Caring.

Sometimes I am shocked to discover that people care about me.
I don't know why it shocks me, I am aware that I am not a bad person and therefore it is logical that people would care but still, for some reason, it surprises me.
Sometimes I discover that people worry about me, who I did not realise were even so aware of me, paying attention, noticing... It is difficult for me to understand.
But it feels nice, to know that people care, to know people worry. (Does that make me an attention seeker?) At the same time though, I feel guilty. As if I believe that I should not burden them with concern about me, and so, much of the time, I do not openly express myself. Except when I write and even then it is sometimes cryptic with metaphors and crude imagery, due to my state of mind and habitually ingrained need for secrecy.

It is very rare for me to be truly open with anyone. To show them my fears and insecurities... I don't mean the surface anxities, but the deep fears that I barely understand myself.
Anyone that has seen me show fear of anything has seen a vulnerability, a weakness, that I prefer to pretend does not exist. Those people, unless they just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time... Should know that I trust them more than most.
Recently someone I trust had a glimpse of my fear but I doubt she had any idea what the real fear was, beneath the surface incident that exposed it.

(Click to see large...)
Feeling a little crazy today.. Certainly not myself.. Who? No idea.. It feels good to let go and allow that crazy feeling to take over, not safe.. But good.. Like a drug.. Hope I come down soon though... Life is waiting for me.. If you can call it life...

a subject for further contemplation

I don't think I'm happy unless I am miserable
does that make sense?

...

That is all.

love...

Is true love a real thing or simply a well disguised illusion? If it is real, I don't believe I've ever experienced it.
I'm not referring to love of family or love of friends here... Those are undoubtedly real, at least for most people... I mean being 'in love'.
I think a lot of things get confused for love... Lust would of course be the most well known... That I have experienced and probably have mistaken for love... But also pity and sympathy... A strong desire to help someone, especially if it has developed over time... Empathic love, loving someone because they desire to be loved so strongly...
But thats not true love is it? is that what love is?
Love seems to be in fact a great weakness,when it is portrayed as a great strength.
Causes people to do stupid things, distracts people from important tasks and aspects of life. A chemical inbalance? An illness? Is that what 'true' love is?
Or is that lust?
How do you know what it is without having experienced it? Can you experience it without knowing? How do you know if it is real or not?
Maybe its just me... Maybe I'm not capable of true love, only all those other illusions...
Sometimes I am extremely rational, I can't even have a panic attack properly, it halts in its tracks as soon as my brain kicks in and starts rationalising it...
Yet I am very emotional... Emotions effect me strongly and even as they flood over me I analyse them...
If love is based on emotion, but I over rationalise emotion until it becomes meaningless... Perhaps that makes it impossible for me to truly love, like that.

This is what happens at 2am after hours of insomnia due to thinking too much.. I write, and this kinda shit comes out.... I don't neccesarily remember any of it when I wake...

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Actions speak louder than words.
The consequences of some actions cannot be undone by any number of words, and require an even creater action to repair the damage.
But sometimes words can be almost as damaging as actions, especially when the two are combined.
Some consequences can never be repaired at all.
So how does one tell if something can be repaired or not? How hard and how long should you try to fix something before you declare it hopeless?
And then theres the other one... "Time heals all wounds". But does it really? Some wounds are fatal aren't they, so I guess not. But if there is a wound that hasn't killed, will it heal eventually or do some wounds continue to fester forever? What if the wound starts out small and gets infected...
Words can act like bandages and actions like antibiotics, perhaps... But not all wounds can be healed even with bandages and antibiotics. Some are infected by something that can never be exterminated and will slowly eat away at you until you can no longer survive it.
Is there no situation you cannot escape from? Is there really a way out of everything? Perhaps the only thing there is no escape from is death, which is the ultimate escape in itself, really... The ultimate end and the ultimate beginning all wrapped up in one infintessimal moment.
But what do you do if you feel like you are in a situation in which there is no escape that will not cause you to have a wound that will never heal? How do you know which way to turn, which wound to suffer?
Look to those around you.
Look after the ones who truly care for you, because love can heal much more than time can, and if you can escape from the situation and still have love, you know you have the best chance of survival. Nevermind the quantity of love, its the quality that matters. The strength of the support, having someone to listen, the avaliability of hugs, the helping hand and the shoulders to lean on while you recover.
What if you hurt those who you share love with? What if your words or actions or both combined wound them? What do you do then?
What if you tried to avoid it but you slipped with a metaphorical knife in your metaphorical hand and wounded them? Wounded your love?
Do you try to repair their wound? Do they want your love now or will they push you away? If they Push you away how hard do you try to repair the wound? Do you look for new love elsewhere, starting from scratch? Will your efforts to heal only do more damage? How do you know what do you do? And is this how you find yourself in the situations that there seems to be no escape from?
You've just gone round in a circle and ended up back where you started, alone and confused and hurting. Why? Did you try too hard? Did you love too much? Did you try to help where help wasn't wanted?
It doesn't matter why. What matters is that you're so caught up in your feelings you are unable to think about anything else, the wound is festering, the infection is deep, you need the love to heal but you've damaged the love and now you're slowly dying inside.
So you give up and lay down and just wait... Wait for death or love to come to you, whichever happens first, and you accept it.