Aww, shucks

It surprises me at times, that people actually like me, want to spend time with me, think of me and miss me when I am absent.
I kinda think of myself as one of those people that other people just... Put up with.
It's not that I think badly of myself as a person, at least I don't think so... I just think I'm.. Boring? I dunno..
Some people's actions encourage me to feel this way- For example, if I run into them someplace, they appear happy to see me, but they never make any attempt to contact or spend time with me. In many cases they did for a while, we spent lots of time together, but then all of a sudden they will appear to... lose interest.. often make plans then cancel, then eventually drop contact all together. Then I only hear from them if they're having computer problems.
Of course there are plenty of people who havn't behaved this way, thats just an example of something that does seem to happen quite frequently.. Like a whirlwind friendship, with no explanation... So my conclusion is, basically.. They must have gotten sick of me, bored with me, or perhaps I scared them somehow.. I know I scare people occasionally, old habits are hard to break.

I know I'm not the easiest person to maintain contact with... I tend to periodically withdraw for quite some time, what I like to call "hermit mode"... I rarely initiate contact, for various reasons (I won't go into the reasons now, if you want to know, ask me). But the ubruptness that some people drop me is a bit disconcerting.
So I try not to make people sick of me, by allowing them to initiate contact most of the time, hahah.. Thats one of the reasons I don't initiate contact often.
Sometimes I get so deep into my 'hermit mode' that I need a bit of a shove to come back out of my shell.. And its usually when someone gives me one of those shoves that I get that surprise.
I have had 3 of those surprises in as many days. Friends who I havn't spoken to for a while saying that they've missed me, or expressing love for me... One of which actually brought tears to my eyes.
I don't know why I am the way I am.. Hell I'm not even sure what way I am! (not even my mind is straight?!)
But I would like to thank those friends who have the patience to still be there when I emerge from my hermit shack, or other reasons for solitude (even after 6 years!)  and those who come in and drag me out.
I may not seem appreciative, but on some level, I'm pathetically glad to have you all. You make me realise that I'm not quite as dull as I think I am.

It's been a while.. Been avoiding writing!

ok, I give up, I guess I need to write.
I've felt like I need to for a few days at least, but have been resisiting it. Now I'm feeling rather depressed and I guess I shouldn't have dismissed the warning signs - loss of appetite, insomnia, unmotivated, and even more anti-social than usual lol...
I've been avoiding writing because i don't want to think about certain things and writing is how I process those thoughts and get them out of my head. Which sounds good in theory but the downside is that the process itself is usually quite painful. But it effects not only myself but those around me if i don't deal with it.
I've also been somewhat unsure about what to write about exactly, or rather, how to start, as one I get the ball rolling it tends to all pour out. And whether or not i want to put it online. Usually I do put the things I write online, as then, despite the fact that few people ever read it, I feel less like I'm talking to myself :P
But one of my problems at the moment seems to be a trust issue. So maybe I'll start with that.

I've always been a socially timid person, being uncomfortable around strangers and wary and self concious even around most friends. "Scared of people." I've never really been sure exactly why, however. Perhaps a fear of being judged, or hurt, or of hurting others.. Perhaps a combination of those at different times in different circumstances. I wish i could understand it so I could eliminate it. Anyways, I've always felt socially inept.
But I've always been a trusting and fairly honest (no-one is perfect) person.
The feeling of being anxious about whether or not I can trust friends and aqaintances is a fairly new one to me, and i hate it. I hate wondering if it is safe to speak openly.

Maybe I'm being paranoid, or maybe realistic, but...
I've never before been in a position where I felt people I WANT to trust may not be people I CAN trust.
Or wondered if certain people only keep contact with me in order to gather information for someone else.
Someone who I would prefer knew nothing about my life because I want them out of mine.
Someone who preached mercilessly to me about how important trust and honesty are for 5 years, until I trusted her completely, regardless of the incredible lack of respect I put up with, then betrayed me in the worst possible way, cheating and lying, after everything I gave up, after everything I did for her. I am still shocked by the extents of her lies.

Anyway, the point is, in 6 years we did develop some mutual friendships, and now I find that I fear these friends.
I know how much crap filters through the grapevine and gets back to me, so how much of my life gets back to her?
The stupidest thing about the way I feel is that I don;t really have a lot to hide. So I guess its all kinda irrational, in a way...  I don't know why it gets to me so much except that after having her in such total control of me and my life; my friends, my words, my activites, she even tried to control the way I felt and thought... I don't even want her to know about anything I do, say, feel... Anything about my life now.
I tried not to hate her, I really did. Because I dislike the feeling of hate, and the side effects of it.. But I guess I failed, because I really do hate her.
And there is this nasty vicious little part of me that I've always tried to suppress... That wishes great suffering and even death upon her. I sincerely hope I never have to see her again.

Obviously she is one of the issues I have been trying not to think about, being all tied up in the trust issues.. See how that all just poured out? horrific...
God/dess i wish there was a way to know if I could trust a person.
Theres very few people I feel I can trust, and I somewhat avoid the rest.
Most of those that I do trust don't know her, but they are few and far between...