ok, I give up, I guess I need to write.
I've felt like I need to for a few days at least, but have been resisiting it. Now I'm feeling rather depressed and I guess I shouldn't have dismissed the warning signs - loss of appetite, insomnia, unmotivated, and even more anti-social than usual lol...
I've been avoiding writing because i don't want to think about certain things and writing is how I process those thoughts and get them out of my head. Which sounds good in theory but the downside is that the process itself is usually quite painful. But it effects not only myself but those around me if i don't deal with it.
I've also been somewhat unsure about what to write about exactly, or rather, how to start, as one I get the ball rolling it tends to all pour out. And whether or not i want to put it online. Usually I do put the things I write online, as then, despite the fact that few people ever read it, I feel less like I'm talking to myself :P
But one of my problems at the moment seems to be a trust issue. So maybe I'll start with that.
I've always been a socially timid person, being uncomfortable around strangers and wary and self concious even around most friends. "Scared of people." I've never really been sure exactly why, however. Perhaps a fear of being judged, or hurt, or of hurting others.. Perhaps a combination of those at different times in different circumstances. I wish i could understand it so I could eliminate it. Anyways, I've always felt socially inept.
But I've always been a trusting and fairly honest (no-one is perfect) person.
The feeling of being anxious about whether or not I can trust friends and aqaintances is a fairly new one to me, and i hate it. I hate wondering if it is safe to speak openly.
Maybe I'm being paranoid, or maybe realistic, but...
I've never before been in a position where I felt people I WANT to trust may not be people I CAN trust.
Or wondered if certain people only keep contact with me in order to gather information for someone else.
Someone who I would prefer knew nothing about my life because I want them out of mine.
Someone who preached mercilessly to me about how important trust and honesty are for 5 years, until I trusted her completely, regardless of the incredible lack of respect I put up with, then betrayed me in the worst possible way, cheating and lying, after everything I gave up, after everything I did for her. I am still shocked by the extents of her lies.
Anyway, the point is, in 6 years we did develop some mutual friendships, and now I find that I fear these friends.
I know how much crap filters through the grapevine and gets back to me, so how much of my life gets back to her?
The stupidest thing about the way I feel is that I don;t really have a lot to hide. So I guess its all kinda irrational, in a way... I don't know why it gets to me so much except that after having her in such total control of me and my life; my friends, my words, my activites, she even tried to control the way I felt and thought... I don't even want her to know about anything I do, say, feel... Anything about my life now.
I tried not to hate her, I really did. Because I dislike the feeling of hate, and the side effects of it.. But I guess I failed, because I really do hate her.
And there is this nasty vicious little part of me that I've always tried to suppress... That wishes great suffering and even death upon her. I sincerely hope I never have to see her again.
Obviously she is one of the issues I have been trying not to think about, being all tied up in the trust issues.. See how that all just poured out? horrific...
God/dess i wish there was a way to know if I could trust a person.
Theres very few people I feel I can trust, and I somewhat avoid the rest.
Most of those that I do trust don't know her, but they are few and far between...

I've felt like I need to for a few days at least, but have been resisiting it. Now I'm feeling rather depressed and I guess I shouldn't have dismissed the warning signs - loss of appetite, insomnia, unmotivated, and even more anti-social than usual lol...
I've been avoiding writing because i don't want to think about certain things and writing is how I process those thoughts and get them out of my head. Which sounds good in theory but the downside is that the process itself is usually quite painful. But it effects not only myself but those around me if i don't deal with it.
I've also been somewhat unsure about what to write about exactly, or rather, how to start, as one I get the ball rolling it tends to all pour out. And whether or not i want to put it online. Usually I do put the things I write online, as then, despite the fact that few people ever read it, I feel less like I'm talking to myself :P
But one of my problems at the moment seems to be a trust issue. So maybe I'll start with that.
I've always been a socially timid person, being uncomfortable around strangers and wary and self concious even around most friends. "Scared of people." I've never really been sure exactly why, however. Perhaps a fear of being judged, or hurt, or of hurting others.. Perhaps a combination of those at different times in different circumstances. I wish i could understand it so I could eliminate it. Anyways, I've always felt socially inept.
But I've always been a trusting and fairly honest (no-one is perfect) person.
The feeling of being anxious about whether or not I can trust friends and aqaintances is a fairly new one to me, and i hate it. I hate wondering if it is safe to speak openly.
Maybe I'm being paranoid, or maybe realistic, but...
I've never before been in a position where I felt people I WANT to trust may not be people I CAN trust.
Or wondered if certain people only keep contact with me in order to gather information for someone else.
Someone who I would prefer knew nothing about my life because I want them out of mine.
Someone who preached mercilessly to me about how important trust and honesty are for 5 years, until I trusted her completely, regardless of the incredible lack of respect I put up with, then betrayed me in the worst possible way, cheating and lying, after everything I gave up, after everything I did for her. I am still shocked by the extents of her lies.
Anyway, the point is, in 6 years we did develop some mutual friendships, and now I find that I fear these friends.
I know how much crap filters through the grapevine and gets back to me, so how much of my life gets back to her?
The stupidest thing about the way I feel is that I don;t really have a lot to hide. So I guess its all kinda irrational, in a way... I don't know why it gets to me so much except that after having her in such total control of me and my life; my friends, my words, my activites, she even tried to control the way I felt and thought... I don't even want her to know about anything I do, say, feel... Anything about my life now.
I tried not to hate her, I really did. Because I dislike the feeling of hate, and the side effects of it.. But I guess I failed, because I really do hate her.
And there is this nasty vicious little part of me that I've always tried to suppress... That wishes great suffering and even death upon her. I sincerely hope I never have to see her again.
Obviously she is one of the issues I have been trying not to think about, being all tied up in the trust issues.. See how that all just poured out? horrific...
God/dess i wish there was a way to know if I could trust a person.
Theres very few people I feel I can trust, and I somewhat avoid the rest.
Most of those that I do trust don't know her, but they are few and far between...
No comments:
Post a Comment