I havn't cried for a long time. Which seems strange to me because I used to be a person who cried a lot. I mean seriously a lot, I cried when I was angry, sad, frustrated, confused... From childhood right into adulthood. About the only thing that didn't make me cry often was physical pain, unless it was incredibly severe, probably because the level of emotional pain I tend to feel is so much more painful. I mean I was one of those people who caused myself physical pain to relieve emotional pain, or to get rid of emotional numbness.
Of course this would seem to be a good thing, not crying so much, you'd think it would imply that I am happier. Maybe I am, I mean, I've been a lot more miserable and had a hell of a lot more shitty painful things happen to me in the past than I have happening right now.. Maybe its just the huge contrast, for a while there I was in so much emotional tumoil; confusion, frustration, anger... I was feeling either suicidal or murderous a majority of the time, and numb for brief periods (emotional endorphins?).
That situation has passed, and I don't have anything causing me the same level of turmoil. Like my emotional pain threshold is higher or something. Not that I don't have some upsetting, frustrating or confusing things happening in my life now, they're just not as severe. I havn't cried more than a few random tears in the last year, and those few random tears were usually something related to that terrible time. That has to be a record for me. I didn't even cry when someone I knew and respected passed away.
But I'm not sure if it is a good thing. I think it might mean I am feeling things less, that I've become a harder person, less caring or something.
Right now, today, possibly the last couple of days since it sometimes takes me a little while to realise it, I think I'm depressed. I feel like crying but I'm not. Or I can't. This is where the maybe its not a good thing part comes in. I mean, crying is a release, and if I can't cry, the depressed state may last longer, y'know what I mean?
According to my best friend of about 15 years, I have a form of bi-polar (manic-depressive). Theres a few types apparently, and I would be the 2nd type. Which means I don't have psychotic episodes, which is good to know, haha!
Means I do have manic episodes and depressed episodes. This friend studies such things but is not actually a phychologist or anything so of course thats not a professional diagnosis, and made me giggle until another dear friend made me aware of the fact that I get into 'hyperactive' moods in which I can be very 'sharp'. During these moods I feel good, happy.. But apparently I can be a bit of a bitch. My own feeling during these moods is I am just saying what is on my mind, and I don't feel like I am being nasty or anything... I guess that could indeed be 'manic'. (a definition of manic is; frenzied: affected with or marked by frenzy or mania uncontrolled by
reason) And I already know I get depressed.. Always have.. I'm pretty sure I'm not always a bitch when I go into the manic state, it depends on whats going on at the time.. Sometimes I just get silly, energetic, extremely playful... But it is true that I'm not really considering the feelings of others during this, unless they're laughing, coz that makes me happier...
So, yeah, maybe theres some truth in it, maybe I do have a touch of bi-polar... But since I have always been this way, I never realised that this particular aspect of my personality was strange or unusual.. Just me. Which is guess it is (just me) and people just have to deal with it, because I can't control or predict it and I doubt thats going to change.. But at least I have an excuse?
Really feel like I could use a good cry at the moment anyways... Have that dead feeling, like I'm not really feeling anything much, good or bad, no happy, no sad, no motivation.. Vegetating.. I don't like it. But its like theres a wall there, holding all my feelings away from me, and the only feeling I'm left with is an absence of feeling. Which I suppose is a feeling, which is the feeling I call depressed, I don't know if thats the same as others would identify it, but I feel like if that wall broke, which it used to do so easily, I would be overwhelmed with emotions and could actually get on with feeling like a person.
Of course this would seem to be a good thing, not crying so much, you'd think it would imply that I am happier. Maybe I am, I mean, I've been a lot more miserable and had a hell of a lot more shitty painful things happen to me in the past than I have happening right now.. Maybe its just the huge contrast, for a while there I was in so much emotional tumoil; confusion, frustration, anger... I was feeling either suicidal or murderous a majority of the time, and numb for brief periods (emotional endorphins?).
That situation has passed, and I don't have anything causing me the same level of turmoil. Like my emotional pain threshold is higher or something. Not that I don't have some upsetting, frustrating or confusing things happening in my life now, they're just not as severe. I havn't cried more than a few random tears in the last year, and those few random tears were usually something related to that terrible time. That has to be a record for me. I didn't even cry when someone I knew and respected passed away.
But I'm not sure if it is a good thing. I think it might mean I am feeling things less, that I've become a harder person, less caring or something.
Right now, today, possibly the last couple of days since it sometimes takes me a little while to realise it, I think I'm depressed. I feel like crying but I'm not. Or I can't. This is where the maybe its not a good thing part comes in. I mean, crying is a release, and if I can't cry, the depressed state may last longer, y'know what I mean?
According to my best friend of about 15 years, I have a form of bi-polar (manic-depressive). Theres a few types apparently, and I would be the 2nd type. Which means I don't have psychotic episodes, which is good to know, haha!
Means I do have manic episodes and depressed episodes. This friend studies such things but is not actually a phychologist or anything so of course thats not a professional diagnosis, and made me giggle until another dear friend made me aware of the fact that I get into 'hyperactive' moods in which I can be very 'sharp'. During these moods I feel good, happy.. But apparently I can be a bit of a bitch. My own feeling during these moods is I am just saying what is on my mind, and I don't feel like I am being nasty or anything... I guess that could indeed be 'manic'. (a definition of manic is; frenzied: affected with or marked by frenzy or mania uncontrolled by
reason) And I already know I get depressed.. Always have.. I'm pretty sure I'm not always a bitch when I go into the manic state, it depends on whats going on at the time.. Sometimes I just get silly, energetic, extremely playful... But it is true that I'm not really considering the feelings of others during this, unless they're laughing, coz that makes me happier...
So, yeah, maybe theres some truth in it, maybe I do have a touch of bi-polar... But since I have always been this way, I never realised that this particular aspect of my personality was strange or unusual.. Just me. Which is guess it is (just me) and people just have to deal with it, because I can't control or predict it and I doubt thats going to change.. But at least I have an excuse?
Really feel like I could use a good cry at the moment anyways... Have that dead feeling, like I'm not really feeling anything much, good or bad, no happy, no sad, no motivation.. Vegetating.. I don't like it. But its like theres a wall there, holding all my feelings away from me, and the only feeling I'm left with is an absence of feeling. Which I suppose is a feeling, which is the feeling I call depressed, I don't know if thats the same as others would identify it, but I feel like if that wall broke, which it used to do so easily, I would be overwhelmed with emotions and could actually get on with feeling like a person.
