MeLtDoWn

I purchased a book online recently called Aspergirls... For and about females with aspergers (It appears somewhat differently in females than in males).
It was fascinating and although I'm not entirely sure I have Aspergers syndrome, there were a hell of a lot of "I do that!" and "oh thats why I do that/feel that way!" moments... It was in fact, quite overstimulating for my brain and during the half a day it took me to read the entire book, I was continuously feeling dizzy.

Sometimes I think I'm an Aspie, sometimes I doubt it because I think I don't have some of the more extreme traits/problems or at least, not as extreme as some.. But then something happens and I realise I have more than I thought. Possibly I'm just better adjusted than many, due to having fantastic parents who, while not knowing specifically what my problem was- only that I was a high achiever intellectually but emotionally immature as a child, did the best that they could to encourage my strengths and help me work around my weaknesses. No parent is perfect of course, but I definitely give them a lot of credit for raising me well.

Today I had a temper meltdown (there are 2 types, temper and depression). That's what they called it in the book, and it is a good name for it. I have had them before, and knew it happened, but even while reading about it I was unsure if what the book called a meltdown was what I do have sometimes. But today, while I was having a meltdown, I recognised the description, because it was happening..
I felt incredibly angry, violent, nauseous... It was a great effort not to hit something or otherwise harm myself, I managed to reduce it with a short and hard burst of exercise, although I'm still a bit wound up, little things I hate are giving me that blood boiling feeling and I don't think it would take much to set me off again. I got it under control by running up a simulated 500m hill at 8km/h on a treadmill.
I haven't had this feeling for over a year, and its certainly not pleasant.
So, the book talks about triggers, and avoiding them.
Basically my trigger is an already difficult situation becoming worse, and a person having a total lack of consideration for me. A person I once considered a good and decent person, a friend, even an extended family member has been an arsehole recently, and I was not impressed by his behavior towards his ex, but I was giving him a smidgen of benefit of the doubt in that he's obviously going through something pretty crappy on a personal level and is being manipulated by someone who is very bloody good at manipulation. Well, today he lowered himself to a level which hurts me on a personal level and that's why I am angry, no, furious.. Because while I have done my best to keep out of the fight and simply help my friend whom he has thrown away, and then driven further away sort her shit out and get back on her own two feet, which has been a challenge in itself considering my solitary and house-proud nature, he has now done something which is incredibly inconsiderate to ME at a very bad fucking time and quite frankly, I'd like to give him a bloody beating coz this is like the crappiest icing on the crappiest cake.

Heh.. I gave my ex six months to get her disgusting fucking cats out of my house, he is well aware that not only am I not a big cat lover (in fact I like very few of them) but I am allergic to them and I am renting! I have a rent inspection in a week! Worst possible time! And he dumps 2 cats on my doorstep when it is the fault of him and the women he is obsessed with that the damn cats are being a problem!

As if things aren't hard enough with my special girl acting like a nasty little cow because she feels like her home has been invaded by a younger child who breaks her toys and gets treated differently to how she does, and as much as I try to help her understand she simply can't handle it constantly, she can't even fully understand her own feelings about it all and she's taking out her frustration on me of course, me who is already frustrated so I feel like I'm just being a cranky fucking ogre all the time, no matter how hard I try she just pushes my buttons till I snap along with her. if I cut her any slack she gets worse, If I'm extra strict she just acts like a spoilt brat. She wants to get in trouble because it is attention and I know I should be trying to spend more time doing things with her but if I do it at home the younger one upsets her by trying to join in and I'm too tired from the stress to take her out.

I get the feeling this is getting a bit long...

Anyway, I've had a scream/cry explosion, I've had a cry while writing this, I've written it to get it out of my head a bit- this is why I write, I really hope the situation is resolved soon but hopefully I've blown off enough steam that I'm not going to fucking snap any time soon.

As for possibly being an Aspergirl, suffice it to say it would explain a lot (when I'm feeling better I may write further on this), but unless it becomes necessary I would probably never have it officially diagnosed. Because I don't trust psychologists and such.

...

So much in my head, so little non-tired opportunity to organise it and put it in text form... My home is not in its usual state, concentrating for any length of time is difficult due to loud children having regular, if not constant, conflicts lol.. Glad I managed to get the last of my classes for the year finished in class!
Can't blame them.. Both used to being only children and suddenly having to live as siblings, sharing things, irritating each other, etc.. Its difficult to find good behaviour to reward with all the friction and acting up going on! But these things happen and one must deal with them as best one can..
This is just a.. "I wanna write something to show I'm still alive" entry.. lol.. My thoughts are not organised or focussed enough to write about something specific.. there are several things going on in my head and things I'm involved in and as always my brain is noticing funny little connections between things and figuring out reasons for some of the things I have wondered about.. Like why I have few male friends and why I'm terrible at math and remembering peoples names..

Took an iq test (only one aspect of iq.. crystallised or something) which revealed that I'm not as bad at math as I thought I was lol.. Turns out I have a bloody awful auditory memory, so by the time I get to the middle part of working out a somewhat complicated problem I've forgotten where I started and therefore don't know where to go next. Also explains my problems studying- why I need to take notes when no one else seems to lol..
Just now occurred to me that it may be why writing down my thoughts helps me process my thoughts and feelings.. I can refer back to where the thought started if I get lost, and continue... Interesting...