Feeling Sorry For Myself

Suddenly I'm feeling awful sorry for myself…

Maybe it’s the soppy backstreet boys song playing right now.. Maybe it’s the discovery that someone who has repeatedly declared their love for me but constantly backs off with excuses of not wanting to settle down or be monogamous and have one partner now has… a partner, and has neglected to tell me.

Of course I'm not surprised that she's not told me, she always avoids me when she thinks she might upset/disturb/disappoint me, even though I consistently tell her I'm not that easily hurt.

No, I am hurt more by her not telling me, not talking to me, than by the fact that she currently has a partner.

There are many reasons that we shouldn't bother pursuing a relationship and we both know and have acknowledged them… So I'm not all that concerned, in fact, I'd like to be happy for her (despite a little jealousy) but I can't help but feel a bit disappointed that she's not spoken to me, not even to let me know.. Or even spoken to me and hidden it, which then leads me to wonder if she doesn't even think of me, doesn't care to talk to me, doesn't miss me at all.



I know I'm not the most sociable person, I withdraw and keep to myself and I am guilty of not initiating contact frequently myself, but that’s how I have always been and she knows that. I have occasionally said hello (or boo) and received no response at all, which hurts. Surely its not hard to drop a simple "sorry, busy, will get back to you"?



I don't know why I bother feeling jealous.. It's not like I am madly in love with her. I do love her, as a friend. I am attracted to her, we have chemistry. But I don't want a relationship with anyone right now and as I have already mentioned, there's plenty of reasons not to go there.

I honestly don't believe we would be compatible. We have chemistry but its not all fluffy love chemistry, there are more than a few sparks in there too.. We could have some bloody ripper fights if we didn't restrain ourselves.



When it comes down to it, I think part of me just loves being loved, or desired, and is jealous if someone else is receiving those feelings from someone I get those from.

I often wonder if I am even capable of real love, or if I simply soak up the feelings of other people and reflect them back.

I rarely have strong feelings for people and when I do, they've usually liked me first.

Of course, another individual I care greatly about throws a stick in the spokes of that idea.. Unless of course her feelings are interspersed with feelings of uncertainty, nervousness and possibly some rather negative feelings towards herself.