I've been writing something resembling a letter to my ex, which I am still debating whether to show her or not.
It basically explains the way I feel about our relationship, and the way I feel about her now.. Explaining the impossibility of me being able to trust her at the moment (if ever). The extent of the effect she's had on me, regardless of her claims to be different, sorry and all that jazz, now.
I'm not sure if I'll post it here or not. Because I don't know if she checks on this blog, and I don't know which people in the grapevine which I may not entirely trust check on it.
I am going to talk to her alone tomorrow. Will be interesting to see how that goes. I wonder how much I'll shake *rolls eyes*.
I do not plan on making any agreements or decisions at this meeting.
I need to get my emotional trauma under control so I can make decisions with a clear rational mind, instead of one full of anger & fear, or submissiveness.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Intuition
Do you ever feel anxious/apprehensive for no apparent reason, then something crappy happens?
This happened to me today.
I was puzzling over the distinct anxious feeling I was experiencing all day.. Kinda shaky, apprehensive, fatigued, jumpy.. Almost angry or aggressive.. I ran my mind over the events of the day and could find no trigger, no reason, no event or sight or sound that may have caused it..
Distracted me when I was trying to concentrate, made me feel like I should watch my back, affected everything I did, as anxiety does.. Felt nervous handing assignments in and talking to people, and driving.. Nothing I read sunk in...
It was most irritating.
Especially when I'm not a naturally anxious person. I generally have a reason to be anxious, its not my normal state of being like it is for some people.
Sometimes its because I'm in a situation outside of my comfort zone, sometimes its because of the actions of another, and sometimes its because I'm worrying about the repercussions of something I've done either unintentionally, or because I felt it needed to be done and bit the damn bullet.
I recall thinking at some point.. Well if nothing has happened to cause me to feel this way, perhaps its intuition.
Funnily enough, the thoughts that then wandered viciously through my mind were about the very person who turned up unannounced at my door that afternoon, sending me on a roller coaster of crappy feelings.
Considering that I was under the impression that this person was on another continent halfway around the world, across a big fucking ocean and wasn't expected back for another couple of months, this was quite a shock.
I was torn between anger, shock, anger, apprehension, anger, hate, anger, concern, anger, confusion, anger, fear, anger and anger. I may have missed a few feelings there but really, its hard to recognise any feeling over anger. Its so overwhelming.
I wish I could turn off my emotions, and deal with such situations without them. It'd be rather handy. Sometimes I can be so despicably rational people seem to forget I have emotions but unfortunately, a combination of past trauma and maternal protectiveness makes for a rather instinctive and powerful emotional response.
And confusion makes it even worse, confusion makes me want to run away from the problem instead of tackling it head on like I need to do.
I just wish life could have remained simple.
I don't want much really... To raise my child without interference, feel safe and secure in my home, pursue my interests and my career- in order to have enough money to live comfortably but not necessarily luxuriously, to be able to support my child, and provide for her without spoiling her, raise her to be a caring, responsible and independent adult... Give her the best start I can and make a life for us that I can enjoy and be proud of.
It is enough hard work to get all that running smoothly without the complications that are arising now.
Isn't it enough to worry about influences at school and on TV without having to worry about interference by someone I don't even want in my life? Someone I don't believe is a good influence or role model? Someone who proved by their very action today, regardless of the words that were spoken, that while some aspects of them may have changed, the manipulation and sneakiness are still there?
My intuition has apparently shown itself to be in working order. Question is can I get my contrary mind to follow along with it?
Can I be strong enough to face the conflict and win?
Will I compromise?
I know I am stronger than I once was. So I guess time will tell.
This happened to me today.
I was puzzling over the distinct anxious feeling I was experiencing all day.. Kinda shaky, apprehensive, fatigued, jumpy.. Almost angry or aggressive.. I ran my mind over the events of the day and could find no trigger, no reason, no event or sight or sound that may have caused it..
Distracted me when I was trying to concentrate, made me feel like I should watch my back, affected everything I did, as anxiety does.. Felt nervous handing assignments in and talking to people, and driving.. Nothing I read sunk in...
It was most irritating.
Especially when I'm not a naturally anxious person. I generally have a reason to be anxious, its not my normal state of being like it is for some people.
Sometimes its because I'm in a situation outside of my comfort zone, sometimes its because of the actions of another, and sometimes its because I'm worrying about the repercussions of something I've done either unintentionally, or because I felt it needed to be done and bit the damn bullet.
I recall thinking at some point.. Well if nothing has happened to cause me to feel this way, perhaps its intuition.
Funnily enough, the thoughts that then wandered viciously through my mind were about the very person who turned up unannounced at my door that afternoon, sending me on a roller coaster of crappy feelings.
Considering that I was under the impression that this person was on another continent halfway around the world, across a big fucking ocean and wasn't expected back for another couple of months, this was quite a shock.
I was torn between anger, shock, anger, apprehension, anger, hate, anger, concern, anger, confusion, anger, fear, anger and anger. I may have missed a few feelings there but really, its hard to recognise any feeling over anger. Its so overwhelming.
I wish I could turn off my emotions, and deal with such situations without them. It'd be rather handy. Sometimes I can be so despicably rational people seem to forget I have emotions but unfortunately, a combination of past trauma and maternal protectiveness makes for a rather instinctive and powerful emotional response.
And confusion makes it even worse, confusion makes me want to run away from the problem instead of tackling it head on like I need to do.
I just wish life could have remained simple.
I don't want much really... To raise my child without interference, feel safe and secure in my home, pursue my interests and my career- in order to have enough money to live comfortably but not necessarily luxuriously, to be able to support my child, and provide for her without spoiling her, raise her to be a caring, responsible and independent adult... Give her the best start I can and make a life for us that I can enjoy and be proud of.
It is enough hard work to get all that running smoothly without the complications that are arising now.
Isn't it enough to worry about influences at school and on TV without having to worry about interference by someone I don't even want in my life? Someone I don't believe is a good influence or role model? Someone who proved by their very action today, regardless of the words that were spoken, that while some aspects of them may have changed, the manipulation and sneakiness are still there?
My intuition has apparently shown itself to be in working order. Question is can I get my contrary mind to follow along with it?
Can I be strong enough to face the conflict and win?
Will I compromise?
I know I am stronger than I once was. So I guess time will tell.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
kinda pointless post
Just a random sort of "I'm still here" post :P
I've written a lot in the last couple of months, but unfortunately for those few who actually like to read the mental vomit that appears on this blog, most of it hasn't been suitable for public consumption, due to it being related to real life and not all in my head and the possibility of it accidentally doing harm to folk I care about n all that kinda jazz.
So the blogs been pretty quiet, which isn't really unusual so I don't know why I bother to explain it!
Sometimes I think it is unfortunate that real life friends know about and occasionally check on this blog, because it'd probably be more active if this wasn't the case!
Sometimes I don't post things because I don't want the grapevine taking information to individuals who I don't want to know anything about my life.. In case you haven't noticed, apart from the initial "my life is going to hell" posts, there's not a lot of information which is actually informative.
I rarely talk about whats going on in my actual physical life, as opposed to whats going on in my head. And even some of the stuff in my head is censored if I think it could do harm to people I care about.
I do write about it, but I don't often post it.
Once upon a time, on my old website (which I suppose was a blog but at the time I hadn't heard the term) I didn't have such self imposed limitations. I put up everything I wrote with no qualms at all. But I was an adolescent then, and I didn't have the responsibilities that I have now, those few people who's feelings might be hurt either didn't matter or appreciated the honesty (and my opinion was if they had a problem with it, they didn't deserve to matter)
I've thought about having a secondary blog for those things that I consider too private (which isn't much really, I'm a fairly open person when it comes to feelings and thoughts, if not events) but then I doubt anyone would read it, as I suspect the only people who know about and read this blog are friends who I've told about it. The few who want to get into my head and learn about the part of me that isn't expressed vocally lol.
I expect this is an incredibly boring post.
I've written a lot in the last couple of months, but unfortunately for those few who actually like to read the mental vomit that appears on this blog, most of it hasn't been suitable for public consumption, due to it being related to real life and not all in my head and the possibility of it accidentally doing harm to folk I care about n all that kinda jazz.
So the blogs been pretty quiet, which isn't really unusual so I don't know why I bother to explain it!
Sometimes I think it is unfortunate that real life friends know about and occasionally check on this blog, because it'd probably be more active if this wasn't the case!
Sometimes I don't post things because I don't want the grapevine taking information to individuals who I don't want to know anything about my life.. In case you haven't noticed, apart from the initial "my life is going to hell" posts, there's not a lot of information which is actually informative.
I rarely talk about whats going on in my actual physical life, as opposed to whats going on in my head. And even some of the stuff in my head is censored if I think it could do harm to people I care about.
I do write about it, but I don't often post it.
Once upon a time, on my old website (which I suppose was a blog but at the time I hadn't heard the term) I didn't have such self imposed limitations. I put up everything I wrote with no qualms at all. But I was an adolescent then, and I didn't have the responsibilities that I have now, those few people who's feelings might be hurt either didn't matter or appreciated the honesty (and my opinion was if they had a problem with it, they didn't deserve to matter)
I've thought about having a secondary blog for those things that I consider too private (which isn't much really, I'm a fairly open person when it comes to feelings and thoughts, if not events) but then I doubt anyone would read it, as I suspect the only people who know about and read this blog are friends who I've told about it. The few who want to get into my head and learn about the part of me that isn't expressed vocally lol.
I expect this is an incredibly boring post.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Examine
Reach into your mind.
Take a piece and examine it. Turn it around, look at it from every angle, from near, from far, from inside and out.
Touch it.
Does it have shape and form? Does it have dimension? Texture? Colour?
Is it soft, firm, spongey, smooth, rough, liquid, clammy or dry?
What is it? Is it a concept? A thought, feeling, idea, emotion, memory, instinct, function or aspect of oneself? Is it all of those thing? Is it none of them?
Play with it.
Does it bounce? Can it stretch? Does it flow or creep or jiggle or roll?
Taste it.
Is it sweet, salty, bitter, sour or spicy?
Can you obliterate it? Would you want to? Can you make it grow, thrive and bear fruit, can you cause it to wither, and die?
Does it require maintenance?
Does it seem unique? Or like one of many?
How does it affect you?
Does it evoke emotion? Pain? Laughter? Sadness, sarcasm, affection or aggression? A combination or nothing at all?
Is it intrusive? Does it get in your way? Does it help or hinder?
Where did it come from? How did it come to be a part of you?
Was it built in from your beginning or introduced via experience?
Is it the product of joy, trauma, learning, inclusion, exclusion, pain, ecstacy, eroticism, growth or stagnation?
Open your mind to recieve this piece back. You've examined it, analysed it, hopefully understood it. Do you like it? Do you hate it? It doesn't matter, it is a part of you. All you need to do is to come to peace with it. Accept it, allow it to sink back into your mind and re-integrate itself into your conciousness and your unconciousness. Allow that accepted piece of yourself to mix and interact and evolve and...
Allow yourself to grow.
Take a piece and examine it. Turn it around, look at it from every angle, from near, from far, from inside and out.
Touch it.
Does it have shape and form? Does it have dimension? Texture? Colour?
Is it soft, firm, spongey, smooth, rough, liquid, clammy or dry?
What is it? Is it a concept? A thought, feeling, idea, emotion, memory, instinct, function or aspect of oneself? Is it all of those thing? Is it none of them?
Play with it.
Does it bounce? Can it stretch? Does it flow or creep or jiggle or roll?
Taste it.
Is it sweet, salty, bitter, sour or spicy?
Can you obliterate it? Would you want to? Can you make it grow, thrive and bear fruit, can you cause it to wither, and die?
Does it require maintenance?
Does it seem unique? Or like one of many?
How does it affect you?
Does it evoke emotion? Pain? Laughter? Sadness, sarcasm, affection or aggression? A combination or nothing at all?
Is it intrusive? Does it get in your way? Does it help or hinder?
Where did it come from? How did it come to be a part of you?
Was it built in from your beginning or introduced via experience?
Is it the product of joy, trauma, learning, inclusion, exclusion, pain, ecstacy, eroticism, growth or stagnation?
Open your mind to recieve this piece back. You've examined it, analysed it, hopefully understood it. Do you like it? Do you hate it? It doesn't matter, it is a part of you. All you need to do is to come to peace with it. Accept it, allow it to sink back into your mind and re-integrate itself into your conciousness and your unconciousness. Allow that accepted piece of yourself to mix and interact and evolve and...
Allow yourself to grow.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Hermit mode
I don't have a lot of friends, partially because there are not many people I get along with easily, being a bit on the eccentric side, partially because I'm an introvert, and partially coz I'm just plain fussy.
If I had too many friends, all of whom wanted to spend time with me, I wouldn't have any time left over to relax. Relaxing, for me, is being alone.
I can count my friends on one hand.
When I say friends I mean people I have a bond with, people I care about and enjoy spending time with, and who enjoy spending time with me. As opposed to aqaintances- people I see around and say hi to coz I know them but we don't actively seek each other out to spend time with, either because I'm not interested or because they don't seem interested.
Thats not to say I don't appreciate my friends. I really do. I love them all and knowing that some read this, I am writing this post specifically to attempt to communicate something which is difficult to express verbally.
Most of my friends are somewhat similar to me, and therefore understand my hermit mode because of that, or have just known me long enough that they're used to it. Although I have noticed that while they are used to it, or in some cases also have a 'hermit mode', they seem to misunderstand my reasons somewhat. Because their reasons are different.
Then there are those who havn't known me long enough or don't understand it at all, who may feel that I am avoiding them specifically or generally misunderstanding and I want to try n make this clear to all of them. I don't want people taking something personally when its not about them.
Yeah I know, how cliche... Its not you, its me.. But I'm not breaking up with y'all which is the whole point here so don't roll your eyes at me!
Anyways, I have prepared an image-assisted explanation. Please see below.
(click to view full size)
I do hope this helps :)
If I had too many friends, all of whom wanted to spend time with me, I wouldn't have any time left over to relax. Relaxing, for me, is being alone.
I can count my friends on one hand.
When I say friends I mean people I have a bond with, people I care about and enjoy spending time with, and who enjoy spending time with me. As opposed to aqaintances- people I see around and say hi to coz I know them but we don't actively seek each other out to spend time with, either because I'm not interested or because they don't seem interested.
Thats not to say I don't appreciate my friends. I really do. I love them all and knowing that some read this, I am writing this post specifically to attempt to communicate something which is difficult to express verbally.
Most of my friends are somewhat similar to me, and therefore understand my hermit mode because of that, or have just known me long enough that they're used to it. Although I have noticed that while they are used to it, or in some cases also have a 'hermit mode', they seem to misunderstand my reasons somewhat. Because their reasons are different.
Then there are those who havn't known me long enough or don't understand it at all, who may feel that I am avoiding them specifically or generally misunderstanding and I want to try n make this clear to all of them. I don't want people taking something personally when its not about them.
Yeah I know, how cliche... Its not you, its me.. But I'm not breaking up with y'all which is the whole point here so don't roll your eyes at me!
Anyways, I have prepared an image-assisted explanation. Please see below.
(click to view full size)
I do hope this helps :)
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