written 13/2/09

Ok I have borrowed a laptop from my mother and in the meantime I've been writing... So I have some catching up to do... When possible (when I've remembered to note it) I will include the date, in an attempt to keep it all making sense...
So here's the first...

Ok so... We are just friends; 'best friends' but no more than that, which was a decison I had to make, because she wouldn't, or couldn't.
I am not in love with her anymore. I care for her as a friend, as someone I have been through a lot with, etc... But the thought of being closer to her than a hug, anything affectionate, disgusts and scares me.
I think the scared part of that is mad up of two feelings. Obviously I don't want to be too close and give her the wrong idea. I am scared that she wil think I want her back. Which I don't.
The second part is a little embarassing. I can't masturbate - never have ben able to, although I have tried, of course, I can't acheive anything other than frustration.
So I have a couple of years (thats how long its been since I had anything close to a sexual climax) of sexual frustration built up, and part of me is scared that if she tried, I'd have a hard time saying no!
I know if I did it wouldn't be worth it. I would feel dirty, and probably wouldn't be satisfied anyway, I know from experience.
On top of that, it wouldn't mean anything. It would be just sex, without love, and once again I wouldn't want to give her the wrog idea.
I know I don't want her back. I don't think I ever will.
Because as far as I am concerned, she has been unfaithful to me, and I cannot forgive that. I gave her many a chance to end it, and she blew it. She shared sexual experiences with another(several others), that she would never have shared with me. Regardless of whether a physical connection occurs, the emotional, sexual connection is there, and not with me.
She doesn't seem to be able to understand that. She thinks the physical sex is all that 'counts'. But I asked her a long time ago never to do that, I warned her, so she knew it meant something to me (which is why she lied about it for so long).

I want her to be happy, but not at my expense.
For 5 years I have put my own personal development on hold for her. I've had no friends of my own, hadn't even spoken to my parents without her supervision. Always helping her, supporting her, trying to help her recover from her seemingly neverending psychological and psysical problems.
It was hard, stressful. Part of me always resented the situation and so I made mistakes, some of which made her worse, some of which made her seek support elsewhere... Online.
But throughout it all, I was faithful. Even when I knew she wasn't. Which only made my resentment worse.
All that has happened recently, her lies, her plans, her refusal to change her plans and/or end it... The final straw.
I want my life back.
I don't want to be her carer, I don't want my every action, word to be analysed and judged by how it relates to or effects her.
I don't want to be held responsible for her mistakes.
I don't want to hear excuses all thetime, I don't want to accept them.
I want to come and go as I please, study something I enjoy so I can have a career I want.
I want to be free.

I always had hope... That she would get better, that things would change... That I would one day have a normal life.
But things just got worse. Sometimes they would improve, but it never lasted. Just often enough to give me some hope, enough to keep going.
Towards the end it was confusing because things seemed to be getting better and worse at the same time.
I was getting certain freedoms, but losing other things, like intimacy, time... I was able to talk to people online, make friends, but my life- when we could go out, when we had to be home, when I had time online, when i spent time with her... Were all dictated by when her 'friend' of the time was online.

computer is dead

my computer died a few days ago so its a bit hard to post right now...

I'll try to sneak some in at my classes this week

Still Cruisin'

yes I'm still here, no there hasn't been any posts for a while... I've not had a lot of time, let alone time to myself, this past week, I've been working, on my head and on paper when I can, on a new post, which I will type up when I have time.
My studies have been keeping me busy, and when I am home, she wants to spend time with me, plus, she isn't as busy herself, due to (the other woman) having had something happen that is keeping her busy (more on that later) so she's lonely and bored.
Its easier to spend that time with her than fight lol...
Things have been ok for the most part, with a few hiccups and minor fireworks... One thing I will say though, is that I have been happier than her. I have been happy most of the time in fact.. But she has not.
When I do get a proper post typed up, its likely to be a long one, so be prepared!
Trying to decide whether it would be easier for readers if I do one long post, or break it into several smaller ones...
Anyway.. I've only got a few minutes right now so I just thought I'd let the people who do read this know that I'm ok :P

PS 23 visitors!? wow... I wish I knew how many of you know me lol, I know I've not told that many people about this blog myself...
Wonder how many have looked more than once, too lol

Fighting

Yesterday I was having a private conversation online with a friend. I feel I have a right to privacy, I'm technically single right now, I should be able to talk about whatever I want, with whoever I want, without fear of judgement or interrogation.. Shouldn't I?

Well anyway.. She woke up, and wandered out to talk to me.. I said brb in the chat window, and closed it.. While she was talking to me, looking at everything on my screen (and making judgements on people she didn't know from forum posts I was reading that had nothing to do with her), the reply 'kk' came back from my friend.
She asked what it was about.. I said I just said brb, she said kk.
"Where are you going?" she half-laughed then.. "Or are you talking about me... What are you talking about?"
"Its private" I replied.
She got a bit angry.. "What are you talking about that is private from me? We're supposed to be best friends, be honest with each other... Are you talking about me?"
To be honest, I was actually talking with my friend about feelings we have for each other, the possibility of exploring those feelings in the future... We were being affectionate... But I don't think she is ready to hear about that yet, considering she still wants to hide the fact that we have broken up from our RL friends and family, so I lied. I said yes, I'm talking about you, but it is a private conversation!
She was not impressed... Wanted to know what I was saying about her that she wouldn't like.
I got a bit angry myself.. I said I think I have the right to have private conversations, all things considered! I don't come and stare at your screen reading all your private conversations!
She got angry and brought up the whole me reading her chat logs issue (which I don't do anymore) and recording her. Apparently she had opened one of the recordings from my recent documents list one day when she was using my computer for something.
She asked me how I recorded her, and why, I told her how... Then I told her why. I said the lies were driving me crazy, literally, I was obsessed, I had to know the truth and she wasn't telling me, so I went to any lengths I could to find the truth.
She asked why I was reading chat logs with other people not just (the other woman) and I explained that I knew she was lying to her about some things too (like that we were seperated), so I was looking to see if I could find out *who* she was lying to about what...
She told me thats like stalking... I agreed. It was.. But if I hadn't done it I would have ended up killing myself, I needed the truth, because the lies hurt more than the truth. I said I stopped, as soon as she stopped lying to me.
As for what I talked about regarding her... I said I talk about how I'm feeling, etc.. She said why can't I talk about that with her? What am I saying that I don't want her to know... She wanted an example. I was angry at that point, so I came out with something along the lines of "If you must know, I talk about how I get scared, that you and her won't work out and then you'll try to have me back! That idea hurts me, because I am not in love with you anymore!"
She seemed to calm down a bit then... She said "so when you say maybe one day way down the track... You don't mean that?"
I replied "When I say that I mean a very long way down the track, and its a big maybe, because at the moment, I cannot see it happening, don't want it to happen. Why do you think I try so hard to help you deal with her? I told you, you're all hers, didn't I? I meant it. I want you to work out."

So we had the usual conversation about how she doesn't want to lose my friendship and wants to be able to trust me, that I know she is paranoid and hiding things from her makes it worse... I said when I talk about her its not all bad, I'm not trying to make her look bad, its usually about how I feel and trying to figure out what to do... But I need that privacy, because sometimes I am talking about something private to me, or private to the other person.
Obviously I apologised for the whole stalking thing :P

I don't think she will be comfortable with the privacy thing for a while yet, might take a few fights, lol...

She had a bad day with the other woman too... She is going nuts from jealousy... She doesn't like that we spend time together, that we still live together...
She doesn't trust me, not that she really needs to, it is her girlfriend she should be trusting... She projects a persona onto me that isn't me.. Doesn't matter how many times she is told that I am being supportive, that I don't want my ex back, etc... She is still so insecure that she gets angry every day.
Apparently she hates me, doesn't want to talk to me. I suggested that if she did talk to me then maybe I could put her mind at rest.. Tell her I want them to work out, because I want to be able to get on with my own life. But my ex doesn't seem to even consider it.

Its a shame, because I would like to help... What the other woman doesn't realise is all she is doing is pushing her away... Back to me, if I would have her. The silly bitch has no idea that I am trying to HELP her, trying to repair damage that she does with her mood swings and anger and jealousy.
Kinda ironic, huh.

Realisation

Last night, the chicken I got out of the freezer for dinner didn't look and smell quite right... So we gave it to the dog and bought take-away.
After eating, she said she ate too much, that she felt sick, felt like throwing up... She often eats too much and complains when we have junk food so I didn't think much of it at first...
I reassured her a few times, its ok, one night off from your diet, one meal, is ok, no need to be upset about it, that sort of thing...
But I noticed after a little while that she was still moaning a bit, I looked over at her and she was looking quite distressed, sweating, writhing... I realised that she was actually having a bit of an anxiety attack.
I said oh my god why are you letting this bother you so much?
Are you actually anxious!? She covered her face and shuddered.
I asked her why, I asked if it was guilt, she nodded, still with her eyes covered and lip quivering.
Why? I asked.. What is wrong? Why is this bothering you so much?
She said she shouldn't have fucked up, that she has been so good, she was so good at lunch, she shouldn't have had any crap, she shouldn't have eaten so much, she shouldn't have fucked up.
I spent some time trying to calm her down, telling her it was ok.. One meal isn't the end of the world!
Then I twigged. 'It's her isn't it, you're getting this upset because of her?'
She started crying, nodding....
Took a while, but got her talking... Apparently (the other woman) gets very angry if she eats too much, so angry that she is scared?
I am a bit worried about her.. She has had eating disorders before, bulimia and anorexia, and it seems that her fear of (the other woman)'s wrath may be heading her back into one. She needs to lose weight, but she should be doing it healthily, for herself, because she wants to... Not because she is scared of someones anger.
And there seems to be a lot of things she does or says to avoid that anger.
I told her... That while its good that she wants to lose weight, good that she is making the effort, she needs to be careful, and not let (the other woman) hurt her, make her sick.
Which upset her more.
We talked for quite some time, I think she has finally realised what she has done. Realised that she really has lost my love, and regrets it.
She is having second thoughts about (the other woman) because she is scared that she will always have to be the understanding one, the supporter, the submissive... Which is Karma at its finest, in a way, because she is finding herself in the role that I have always had with her.
Always understanding but never understood. Always scared of the wrath, always backing down, agreeing to things on the outside, but not on the inside, but all the while, scared to stand up for oneself in case it would be a mistake.

She also has a problem with their plans for the future assuming things work out in person... (the other woman) insists that she flies back with her when she returns... But she is terrified of flying, and while she is telling her that although she is scared, of course she will get on that plane for her... She doesn't know if she will be able to.

She said she doesn't know how she got into this mess, that it was a game that went too far... That up until the plane ticket was booked, it somehow wasn't real, and now that its real, and its getting closer, she is realising just what she has done, how much she has thrown away. She said she has nothing, that she has thrown everything away. She was talking about our relationship.

I told her that she does not have nothing, that things have changed, are changing, but it does not mean she has nothing... Simply that what she does have is different. That she still has me, but in a different way. She still has her family, and so on... She still said she has nothing.
I feel sorry for her, but it doesn't change the way I feel.
She said she doesn't know if she really wants to be with (the other woman), she doesn't think (the other woman) can give her what she needs, that she will have to do all the giving. They fight every day.. While she understands that things might be different in person, with less insecurity, etc... She is still scared that she has made the wrong choice. At the moment she thinks there is a large chance she has (she put it at about 60% lol).

After all this talking, during which she was upset most of the time... We went to bed, as it was late... She put her head on me and cried, for over an hour. Full on sobbing, shaking, crying... I had to change my shirt afterwards, it was saturated.
She cried until she was exhausted, she had a headache... The whole time I was thinking... It has finally hit her.. She's realised whats happened, that it is real... She is mourning our relationship. I told her this morning that that is what I think she was doing and she said yes, I am probably right.
Feeling sorry for her, I tried to ease her headache my massaging her sinuses, which almost made her upset again.
Eventually she fall asleep.

This morning she confirmed my theory that she has realised that I am not in love with her anymore.
But still she said maybe when all this is over, in time, we can have what we once had again. She said that she didn't realise what she had until it was gone, that she is seeing why she fell in love with me in the first place, that she couldn't see it for a long time, but now she can... She thinks she may have made a mistake, but that maybe (the other woman) came into her life to help her change and realise that she could be happy with me.
It hurts me when she says these things... Because I don't want that. I honestly don't believe that she can change so much that it wouldn't be the same all over again... I am not in love with her anymore, and I don't think I ever will be. I don't want her to try to have me back. I want my life to be simple.
I'm sick of it being so damn complicated, and with her... It always would be.

Plans for Seperation

The 'just friends' thing seems to be working out ok so far...
She has asked me if I missed her after work, I'm not sure if that was some kind of test, to see if I really meant it, or just her wanting to feel special. She likes to feel special. I told her 'in a friend way'.
Last night she asked what was going to happen after 'the visit' if she didn't go with the other woman... I said we will just have to see, but I honestly don't think we should or can be more than friends again, because I don't love her that way anymore, and don't know if I ever could. Don't think I could. She said that she doesn't love me that way at the moment either. I'm not sure if she meant it, or if she was just saying it hoping it would hurt. I hope she meant it.
We agreed that if they did not end up working out, that we would continue to live together until the end of the lease on this house, if possible without problems.
For our daughters sake, and because neither of us have anywhere else to conveniantly go, nor can either of us afford to pay the rent alone.

I asked what her plans were if they did work out, said I kinda need to know, because we have to divide our stuff, our pets, figure out what to do about our daughter...
She agreed that we need to figure that out, especially when I pointed out that if she up and left, moved to England, or whatever, I would be left with a big mess to clean up.
She said that she would never have done it like that, that she doesn't want to screw me over, doesn't want to lose my friendship. I am the only person that understands her, who can understand her.... The only person that can ease her fears and tell her why she has those fears and the other woman would have to deal with her and I remaining friends.
Same goes for whoever I have a relationship with in the future.
Despite the problems that we had because we probably really never should have been more than friends, we have been through a lot together, we have been through a lot with each others families, so much that we consider each others family our own. Nothing and no-one can replace or dismiss what we have experienced together... Pain, loss, greif...

So anyway.. We spend quite some time discussing what will happen if they work out, who gets what, how to deal with the house, our child, our pets.
I also told her that I really hope things work out for her with the other woman, that it seems she might be better off with her.
She has a lot of doubts that it will though, which is probably why she was holding onto me so tightly, lying so much, when I was trying to pull away.
The other woman is a lot like me, apparently, but without the ability to understand others, and with an even worse temper.
She said she needs the understanding that only I seem capable of, needs me to calm her fears, help her through her anxiety.
I told her, that is something I can do as a friend, and in many ways might be able to do better that way. She looked as if that hadn't really occurred to her before. Looked relieved.

So it seems things are working out well now... We have established that we are better off as friends, started working out who gets what if we go our seperate ways, she knows I want her relationship with the other woman to work out, which should make it clear to her that I do not want her back.
And she seemed to deal with it all well. No anger, no lies, no desperation.
I feel good, happy.... It is a strange unfamiliar feeling.

Just Friends

Well a lot has happened, so this may be a long post...
I got up in the morning, thought I'd have a look at my clipped parts of chat logs, try to neaten them up a bit, was considering posting them here but I think thats probably a bit too... Well, too much.. Its bad enough that I post this stuff, really, posting chat logs in public would be a bit low, even for me.
Still half asleep, I double clicked it and went to have a smoke outside... Funny actually, I've never been that careless before...
Although I have thought about doing it on purpose, I've half hoped I would get caught, simply so that she would then know there was no point in hiding things from me.

Anyhow, I returned to my desk, and it wasn't on the screen. I assumed it just hadn't worked, this computer is so slow it doesn't realise I've clicked something half the time.
So I sat down and brought it up, was cleaning it up a bit and she sent me a message.. Asking what I'm doing.. I said I was waking up, having coffee etc.. Then she had a go at me for reading 'private conversations'...
So I explained that if she hadn't been hiding things from me, lying to me, which made me feel so sick I was unable to eat, I wouldn't have felt forced to go looking for the truth.
Of course she immediately went on the defensive, just in case, I guess, I hadn't read anything important?
Telling me how rude it is to pry into other peoples personal things, I pointed out that cheating on me and lying to me is more than a little rude...
Claims that she had been quite honest...
I said if you were honest you would admit that you are having a relationship with someone else, you wouldn't be telling me that we are together and her that we are not, and that you will move out when your parents house is built... You wouldn't still be being intimate with her...
Told her I won't look at her chat logs anymore... Because I've seen enough.
So she tries to fall back on her "I have a problem" defence... Claims that she was going to call up about therapy today...
Ugh its so hard to summarise all that was said, lol... Still tempted to paste the logs...

Well, a lot was said, anyway.
I told her she had to end it with the other woman, or end it with me. Told her that I will not share, and that maybe the other woman would be better for her than me, because I am too patient, too understanding, and I let her be the way she is when I should be kicking her up the ass to make her change.
I told her that at the moment, I cannot be more than a friend to her, because she has hurt me so much, of course she said that I have hurt her too, actually told me when and how which she has never done before (if she had told me at the time, several years ago, maybe this wouldn't have happened), apparently at one point I was angry and yelling all the time... And she was scared.
Anyway, we agreed that we have both broken each others hearts at some point... But what is done is done.
She tried the whole "if you love me like you say you do, you can wait and let me meet her, see if anything happens, which I'm sure it won't, I won't be able to because of you..." But I said if she is so sure, she should be able to end the relationship.
I pointed out that she has planned far into their future, she couldn't deny it anymore so she said it was in case they did work out.
I told her that with everything that has happened, the lies, cutting me out of everything online because the other woman wanted it that way, all that and more... Made the other woman her priority, not me, and if she couldn't end it, then I cannot be with her.
I said; "I care about you... but at the moment, only as a friend. It hurts to even think of you as more than that right now. Once she has been and gone, whatever happens... I cannot *guarantee* anything except friendship... even if you go with her, I will still be your best friend... If she would allow it.
cutting me off from anything online because of her, really hurt... that makes her your priority... you put so much energy into keeping her happy, totally crushing me, tossing aside my feelings
all for a "just in case"
so for the time being.... you're all hers."
She requested that I not go looking for anyone else, until it is all over... But I don't think she realises how much I don't love her right now... And it might be a little late for that. But I won't go into that right now, lol...

So she accepted that, more or less... Agreed that when we are being friends, we get on ok, when she is not lying, we don't fight so much, which is nice. We can have fun together. I said I think we are better as friends anyway...
So I asked some questions, since she now felt she could be honest with me, since we are friends and not a heartbroken couple with secrets and infidelity...
She answered them all well enough, although there were a couple I had to push for a straight answer, as she danced around telling the whole truth.. Habit I guess...
She tried to bait me at one point.. "I'm all hers, remember" Which I didn't react to, other than asking what that had to do with the current topic of conversation. Perhaps she was testing me, to see if I really meant it. Well I do really mean it, lol.

So I'm feeling kinda good at the moment... I have the truth (I think), I don't have to search for it anymore.
Part of me wants to tell her that even if nothing happened between them, I definitely wouldn't want her back, that I believe I would be happier without her, which is the truth, I mean I've had a rash, which I think is from stress, pretty much since I moved in with her 5 years ago... This whole mess has made it spread badly!
But I don't think she is ready for that. I've told her it is a possibility, that there is no guarantee that we will be more than friends again... For now, I'm just going to hope that her and the other woman hit it off, and live happily ever after, or at least happily for as long as I need to get out on my own and get my life on track without her so if she tries to come running back I can say are you kidding? Look at how much happier I am without you! Go learn how to live, how to love, get your head in order and make a life for yourself, because your future is not with me.