Just Friends

Well a lot has happened, so this may be a long post...
I got up in the morning, thought I'd have a look at my clipped parts of chat logs, try to neaten them up a bit, was considering posting them here but I think thats probably a bit too... Well, too much.. Its bad enough that I post this stuff, really, posting chat logs in public would be a bit low, even for me.
Still half asleep, I double clicked it and went to have a smoke outside... Funny actually, I've never been that careless before...
Although I have thought about doing it on purpose, I've half hoped I would get caught, simply so that she would then know there was no point in hiding things from me.

Anyhow, I returned to my desk, and it wasn't on the screen. I assumed it just hadn't worked, this computer is so slow it doesn't realise I've clicked something half the time.
So I sat down and brought it up, was cleaning it up a bit and she sent me a message.. Asking what I'm doing.. I said I was waking up, having coffee etc.. Then she had a go at me for reading 'private conversations'...
So I explained that if she hadn't been hiding things from me, lying to me, which made me feel so sick I was unable to eat, I wouldn't have felt forced to go looking for the truth.
Of course she immediately went on the defensive, just in case, I guess, I hadn't read anything important?
Telling me how rude it is to pry into other peoples personal things, I pointed out that cheating on me and lying to me is more than a little rude...
Claims that she had been quite honest...
I said if you were honest you would admit that you are having a relationship with someone else, you wouldn't be telling me that we are together and her that we are not, and that you will move out when your parents house is built... You wouldn't still be being intimate with her...
Told her I won't look at her chat logs anymore... Because I've seen enough.
So she tries to fall back on her "I have a problem" defence... Claims that she was going to call up about therapy today...
Ugh its so hard to summarise all that was said, lol... Still tempted to paste the logs...

Well, a lot was said, anyway.
I told her she had to end it with the other woman, or end it with me. Told her that I will not share, and that maybe the other woman would be better for her than me, because I am too patient, too understanding, and I let her be the way she is when I should be kicking her up the ass to make her change.
I told her that at the moment, I cannot be more than a friend to her, because she has hurt me so much, of course she said that I have hurt her too, actually told me when and how which she has never done before (if she had told me at the time, several years ago, maybe this wouldn't have happened), apparently at one point I was angry and yelling all the time... And she was scared.
Anyway, we agreed that we have both broken each others hearts at some point... But what is done is done.
She tried the whole "if you love me like you say you do, you can wait and let me meet her, see if anything happens, which I'm sure it won't, I won't be able to because of you..." But I said if she is so sure, she should be able to end the relationship.
I pointed out that she has planned far into their future, she couldn't deny it anymore so she said it was in case they did work out.
I told her that with everything that has happened, the lies, cutting me out of everything online because the other woman wanted it that way, all that and more... Made the other woman her priority, not me, and if she couldn't end it, then I cannot be with her.
I said; "I care about you... but at the moment, only as a friend. It hurts to even think of you as more than that right now. Once she has been and gone, whatever happens... I cannot *guarantee* anything except friendship... even if you go with her, I will still be your best friend... If she would allow it.
cutting me off from anything online because of her, really hurt... that makes her your priority... you put so much energy into keeping her happy, totally crushing me, tossing aside my feelings
all for a "just in case"
so for the time being.... you're all hers."
She requested that I not go looking for anyone else, until it is all over... But I don't think she realises how much I don't love her right now... And it might be a little late for that. But I won't go into that right now, lol...

So she accepted that, more or less... Agreed that when we are being friends, we get on ok, when she is not lying, we don't fight so much, which is nice. We can have fun together. I said I think we are better as friends anyway...
So I asked some questions, since she now felt she could be honest with me, since we are friends and not a heartbroken couple with secrets and infidelity...
She answered them all well enough, although there were a couple I had to push for a straight answer, as she danced around telling the whole truth.. Habit I guess...
She tried to bait me at one point.. "I'm all hers, remember" Which I didn't react to, other than asking what that had to do with the current topic of conversation. Perhaps she was testing me, to see if I really meant it. Well I do really mean it, lol.

So I'm feeling kinda good at the moment... I have the truth (I think), I don't have to search for it anymore.
Part of me wants to tell her that even if nothing happened between them, I definitely wouldn't want her back, that I believe I would be happier without her, which is the truth, I mean I've had a rash, which I think is from stress, pretty much since I moved in with her 5 years ago... This whole mess has made it spread badly!
But I don't think she is ready for that. I've told her it is a possibility, that there is no guarantee that we will be more than friends again... For now, I'm just going to hope that her and the other woman hit it off, and live happily ever after, or at least happily for as long as I need to get out on my own and get my life on track without her so if she tries to come running back I can say are you kidding? Look at how much happier I am without you! Go learn how to live, how to love, get your head in order and make a life for yourself, because your future is not with me.