Realisation

Last night, the chicken I got out of the freezer for dinner didn't look and smell quite right... So we gave it to the dog and bought take-away.
After eating, she said she ate too much, that she felt sick, felt like throwing up... She often eats too much and complains when we have junk food so I didn't think much of it at first...
I reassured her a few times, its ok, one night off from your diet, one meal, is ok, no need to be upset about it, that sort of thing...
But I noticed after a little while that she was still moaning a bit, I looked over at her and she was looking quite distressed, sweating, writhing... I realised that she was actually having a bit of an anxiety attack.
I said oh my god why are you letting this bother you so much?
Are you actually anxious!? She covered her face and shuddered.
I asked her why, I asked if it was guilt, she nodded, still with her eyes covered and lip quivering.
Why? I asked.. What is wrong? Why is this bothering you so much?
She said she shouldn't have fucked up, that she has been so good, she was so good at lunch, she shouldn't have had any crap, she shouldn't have eaten so much, she shouldn't have fucked up.
I spent some time trying to calm her down, telling her it was ok.. One meal isn't the end of the world!
Then I twigged. 'It's her isn't it, you're getting this upset because of her?'
She started crying, nodding....
Took a while, but got her talking... Apparently (the other woman) gets very angry if she eats too much, so angry that she is scared?
I am a bit worried about her.. She has had eating disorders before, bulimia and anorexia, and it seems that her fear of (the other woman)'s wrath may be heading her back into one. She needs to lose weight, but she should be doing it healthily, for herself, because she wants to... Not because she is scared of someones anger.
And there seems to be a lot of things she does or says to avoid that anger.
I told her... That while its good that she wants to lose weight, good that she is making the effort, she needs to be careful, and not let (the other woman) hurt her, make her sick.
Which upset her more.
We talked for quite some time, I think she has finally realised what she has done. Realised that she really has lost my love, and regrets it.
She is having second thoughts about (the other woman) because she is scared that she will always have to be the understanding one, the supporter, the submissive... Which is Karma at its finest, in a way, because she is finding herself in the role that I have always had with her.
Always understanding but never understood. Always scared of the wrath, always backing down, agreeing to things on the outside, but not on the inside, but all the while, scared to stand up for oneself in case it would be a mistake.

She also has a problem with their plans for the future assuming things work out in person... (the other woman) insists that she flies back with her when she returns... But she is terrified of flying, and while she is telling her that although she is scared, of course she will get on that plane for her... She doesn't know if she will be able to.

She said she doesn't know how she got into this mess, that it was a game that went too far... That up until the plane ticket was booked, it somehow wasn't real, and now that its real, and its getting closer, she is realising just what she has done, how much she has thrown away. She said she has nothing, that she has thrown everything away. She was talking about our relationship.

I told her that she does not have nothing, that things have changed, are changing, but it does not mean she has nothing... Simply that what she does have is different. That she still has me, but in a different way. She still has her family, and so on... She still said she has nothing.
I feel sorry for her, but it doesn't change the way I feel.
She said she doesn't know if she really wants to be with (the other woman), she doesn't think (the other woman) can give her what she needs, that she will have to do all the giving. They fight every day.. While she understands that things might be different in person, with less insecurity, etc... She is still scared that she has made the wrong choice. At the moment she thinks there is a large chance she has (she put it at about 60% lol).

After all this talking, during which she was upset most of the time... We went to bed, as it was late... She put her head on me and cried, for over an hour. Full on sobbing, shaking, crying... I had to change my shirt afterwards, it was saturated.
She cried until she was exhausted, she had a headache... The whole time I was thinking... It has finally hit her.. She's realised whats happened, that it is real... She is mourning our relationship. I told her this morning that that is what I think she was doing and she said yes, I am probably right.
Feeling sorry for her, I tried to ease her headache my massaging her sinuses, which almost made her upset again.
Eventually she fall asleep.

This morning she confirmed my theory that she has realised that I am not in love with her anymore.
But still she said maybe when all this is over, in time, we can have what we once had again. She said that she didn't realise what she had until it was gone, that she is seeing why she fell in love with me in the first place, that she couldn't see it for a long time, but now she can... She thinks she may have made a mistake, but that maybe (the other woman) came into her life to help her change and realise that she could be happy with me.
It hurts me when she says these things... Because I don't want that. I honestly don't believe that she can change so much that it wouldn't be the same all over again... I am not in love with her anymore, and I don't think I ever will be. I don't want her to try to have me back. I want my life to be simple.
I'm sick of it being so damn complicated, and with her... It always would be.