MeLtDoWn

I purchased a book online recently called Aspergirls... For and about females with aspergers (It appears somewhat differently in females than in males).
It was fascinating and although I'm not entirely sure I have Aspergers syndrome, there were a hell of a lot of "I do that!" and "oh thats why I do that/feel that way!" moments... It was in fact, quite overstimulating for my brain and during the half a day it took me to read the entire book, I was continuously feeling dizzy.

Sometimes I think I'm an Aspie, sometimes I doubt it because I think I don't have some of the more extreme traits/problems or at least, not as extreme as some.. But then something happens and I realise I have more than I thought. Possibly I'm just better adjusted than many, due to having fantastic parents who, while not knowing specifically what my problem was- only that I was a high achiever intellectually but emotionally immature as a child, did the best that they could to encourage my strengths and help me work around my weaknesses. No parent is perfect of course, but I definitely give them a lot of credit for raising me well.

Today I had a temper meltdown (there are 2 types, temper and depression). That's what they called it in the book, and it is a good name for it. I have had them before, and knew it happened, but even while reading about it I was unsure if what the book called a meltdown was what I do have sometimes. But today, while I was having a meltdown, I recognised the description, because it was happening..
I felt incredibly angry, violent, nauseous... It was a great effort not to hit something or otherwise harm myself, I managed to reduce it with a short and hard burst of exercise, although I'm still a bit wound up, little things I hate are giving me that blood boiling feeling and I don't think it would take much to set me off again. I got it under control by running up a simulated 500m hill at 8km/h on a treadmill.
I haven't had this feeling for over a year, and its certainly not pleasant.
So, the book talks about triggers, and avoiding them.
Basically my trigger is an already difficult situation becoming worse, and a person having a total lack of consideration for me. A person I once considered a good and decent person, a friend, even an extended family member has been an arsehole recently, and I was not impressed by his behavior towards his ex, but I was giving him a smidgen of benefit of the doubt in that he's obviously going through something pretty crappy on a personal level and is being manipulated by someone who is very bloody good at manipulation. Well, today he lowered himself to a level which hurts me on a personal level and that's why I am angry, no, furious.. Because while I have done my best to keep out of the fight and simply help my friend whom he has thrown away, and then driven further away sort her shit out and get back on her own two feet, which has been a challenge in itself considering my solitary and house-proud nature, he has now done something which is incredibly inconsiderate to ME at a very bad fucking time and quite frankly, I'd like to give him a bloody beating coz this is like the crappiest icing on the crappiest cake.

Heh.. I gave my ex six months to get her disgusting fucking cats out of my house, he is well aware that not only am I not a big cat lover (in fact I like very few of them) but I am allergic to them and I am renting! I have a rent inspection in a week! Worst possible time! And he dumps 2 cats on my doorstep when it is the fault of him and the women he is obsessed with that the damn cats are being a problem!

As if things aren't hard enough with my special girl acting like a nasty little cow because she feels like her home has been invaded by a younger child who breaks her toys and gets treated differently to how she does, and as much as I try to help her understand she simply can't handle it constantly, she can't even fully understand her own feelings about it all and she's taking out her frustration on me of course, me who is already frustrated so I feel like I'm just being a cranky fucking ogre all the time, no matter how hard I try she just pushes my buttons till I snap along with her. if I cut her any slack she gets worse, If I'm extra strict she just acts like a spoilt brat. She wants to get in trouble because it is attention and I know I should be trying to spend more time doing things with her but if I do it at home the younger one upsets her by trying to join in and I'm too tired from the stress to take her out.

I get the feeling this is getting a bit long...

Anyway, I've had a scream/cry explosion, I've had a cry while writing this, I've written it to get it out of my head a bit- this is why I write, I really hope the situation is resolved soon but hopefully I've blown off enough steam that I'm not going to fucking snap any time soon.

As for possibly being an Aspergirl, suffice it to say it would explain a lot (when I'm feeling better I may write further on this), but unless it becomes necessary I would probably never have it officially diagnosed. Because I don't trust psychologists and such.

...

So much in my head, so little non-tired opportunity to organise it and put it in text form... My home is not in its usual state, concentrating for any length of time is difficult due to loud children having regular, if not constant, conflicts lol.. Glad I managed to get the last of my classes for the year finished in class!
Can't blame them.. Both used to being only children and suddenly having to live as siblings, sharing things, irritating each other, etc.. Its difficult to find good behaviour to reward with all the friction and acting up going on! But these things happen and one must deal with them as best one can..
This is just a.. "I wanna write something to show I'm still alive" entry.. lol.. My thoughts are not organised or focussed enough to write about something specific.. there are several things going on in my head and things I'm involved in and as always my brain is noticing funny little connections between things and figuring out reasons for some of the things I have wondered about.. Like why I have few male friends and why I'm terrible at math and remembering peoples names..

Took an iq test (only one aspect of iq.. crystallised or something) which revealed that I'm not as bad at math as I thought I was lol.. Turns out I have a bloody awful auditory memory, so by the time I get to the middle part of working out a somewhat complicated problem I've forgotten where I started and therefore don't know where to go next. Also explains my problems studying- why I need to take notes when no one else seems to lol..
Just now occurred to me that it may be why writing down my thoughts helps me process my thoughts and feelings.. I can refer back to where the thought started if I get lost, and continue... Interesting...

Gah

Gah, been busy, must find the time to post.. will do, soon, hopefully!

*sigh*

Sometimes I want to write about something because its just happened and struck at my mind or heart or both with some force but I'm not sure whether I should because its really not my business.
I'm having one of those moments now.
So I search for a way to write about it in a cryptic metaphorical manner so its not an extreme breach of some moral I have somewhere. I'd make a terrible magazine journalist wouldn't I?
But I can't find a cryptic metaphorical solution, Unfortunately.

A relationship has ended, or changed, depending on how broadly scaled you look at relationships...
On a purely rational level its a somewhat interesting issue, for me, because I can sympathize with both of the people involved. A friend who has been hurt and is now left in confusion and distress... Another friend who has caused the hurt but whose experiences I can relate to and actions I can understand to a certain extent, even if I never behaved the same way.
Of course I only know part of the story and the roles are a little different compared to the experience of my own I somewhat relate it to, but many of the stress points of the relationship are very familiar.
I do, however, feel that she who has gotten the rotten half of the deal does not deserve it, she has been trying so hard, has grown so much in the time I've known her... Things seemed to be moving in the right direction. Its such a shame that such a thing had to happen now.
I just hope she has the strength to pull herself through it.

Whoa! (and some stuff about my old site n stuff)

I changed the appearance of this blog a bit today, the previous background was suddenly very irritating to me.
Probably something similar to the way I get sudden intense urges to re-arrange my house, or parts of it at least… Which is really difficult to achieve in this tiny little house, there are only so many ways you can actually arrange so much furniture in such a small space. I've been contemplating rearranging my bedroom and office areas (which kinda both half serve office/workbench functions currently) but am having difficulty deciding whether the pros are worth the cons… Which is possibly why I suddenly had the urge to change the blog a bit lol, rearrangement frustration or something.
Anyway.. I am totally getting off the point which is, the counter on the page, which I put there some time ago and was always a bit too wide to fit properly, now fits.. And where I thought it said "66" it actually says "662" Which totally blew me away… the low count and few comments made me assume one or two people were maybe dropping in to have a look every other month, but it seems there are more frequent visits than I realised lol, hence the Whoa! Title…

Anyways, as I've mentioned I'm gradually working on my resurrected website when I have time.. I'll probably have the sad strange and dysfunctional poetry type things up first then somehow find a way to organise the other writing in some sort of order…
As I read through my old stuff some of it makes me want to write about the stuff I wrote before.. How incredibly self absorbed! :P
I'm currently writing (on paper) some sort of filler for the six years during which I wasn't able to write, which is kinda difficult as my memory is not only coloured by more recent events and possibly somewhat biased (I'm trying to be more factual/rational than emotional about it) but I do have a pretty unreliable long term memory and there are a lot of big holes in it. But I have found that as I write more is coming back to me.
It'll probably be incredibly boring, due to its length.
I dunno, I know a lot of people who have a really short attention span when it comes to reading, and despite what some people tell me, I really don't know that my writing is interesting enough to hold peoples attention for that long, I mean, its somewhat interesting to me because I went through it, but is it interesting to others? I'm having some self worth issues I think :P
It is several handwritten pages already, and I'm not even past the first few weeks.
Although it does include some of my background on before we met for explanations sake.
Its weird writing like that, I mean, its more autobiographical than my usual writing (which is just some kind of mental vomit pouring out through my hands faster than I can think or speak about it), which makes me wonder sometimes if its worth the trouble, I mean, the people who do read this blog, why do you read it? Are you interested in what led up the beginning of the blog? For that matter, are you even interested in the teenage angst stuff I'll be resurrecting from my old website?
Comments would be welcomed on this, a bit of encouragement never goes astray :P
I write for me, but I put it online because I think others might appreciate it.

I wonder if there is a poll gadget I can put up here someplace...

edit: found a poll... use it!
I thought it'd be interesting to post a piece from my old site as like a sample or something..
The first one that caught my eye was a rather odd cutting/suicide type topic but I thought that might be a bit much.. See below for my second choice.

life
Life is odd. Don't deny it, don't argue, it is odd. Face it.
I mean, you live, you experience joy, fear, sadness, love, hate, depression, exuberance, satisfaction, exhaustion, hunger, thirst, a myriad of flavours, textures and colours... Then you die.
I mean, there is nothing stranger than life. Life is odd.
We are born... we can't walk, most of our senses are numbed in some way or another, and possible experience is very limited. As we grow older, our capacity for experience grows, but we are protected by parents or guardians, much like out numbed senses protected us at birth. Then, suddenly, we are thrust out into the world. Its different for everyone. Some people get pushed gently out into a sheltered life, some are booted and land on their head and never quite recover, some run out and trip over. And many variations in between, of course.
We continue to experience, and this is where everything is sharper. Things that hurt, hurt so much more. Things that please us are all the more pleasurable because they happen less often, but are always overshadowed because we learn that pleasure rarely lasts long.
We learn to deal with the harsh world, by numbing our senses and therefore numbing our emotions and our ability to realise something is wrong until its too late to fix it.
Isn't it odd?
Isn't it odd that we start off with numbed senses to protect us while we adjust to the world, and then once we leave natural protection, to cope with life on our own, and then as a defense, we numb our own senses, only in doing so we open ourselves to the possibility of even more pain and suffering, only because we are too blind to see it coming, its stabbed us to a metaphoric death before we've even had a chance to stop it.
I'd rather feel everything, miss nothing, and have quick reflexes... but its so hard.
Life truly is, odd.

misplaced writing..

I did write a few pages of stuff on paper a week or two ago with the intention of posting it but I seem to have misplaced the notebook I wrote it in...
I've been looking for it but no luck so far.. When I find it, there will be a new post.. possibly quite long if I remember correctly...


edit: I found it but will probably merge it with the previous post as it is more or less an expansion of that topic.

I knew I was gonna die by 21... (Expanded)

Finally made a start on resurrecting my old webpage.. Been reading through and organising my old writing.
Its been quite interesting to read those things that I wrote as a teenager, some of it over 10 years ago, and see how much I have changed, grown up, learned and evolved.. I was so confused.
Its a shame I was unable to write in most of the time in between, it would have been interesting to see the changes in progress.

I came to a realisation, about a feeling I had a long time ago. Perhaps its just a coincidence that the timing was so… Uncanny.
Allow me to explain.

This realisation was spurred buy reading my old writings. I remember thinking that I would probably not live past 21 years old or so… That sometime before that I would die, one way or another. I suspected it would be something to do with my brain, like a tumor or something.
It was actually a driving force in a lot of my reckless behavior I think. I couldn't settle into anything, I craved a variety of experience as if I would have a limited time for it.
But a single paragraph among many many pages made me realise that in a way, I did die. Or at least, a part of me did. I wonder of it is possible to resurrect a part of oneself?
Obviously, I'm still here, or this wouldn't be getting written, but still, in a way.. I was right.

How to explain? Is it possible to sum such a complex thing up in a couple of paragraphs? Or will it require pages of explanation and autobiography?
I'd hate to bore you, whoever is reading this. Aaah there is a battle in my mind now, between my ego who believes I'm most fascinating and my more modest and self conscious side who believes no one is really interested in my dull mind and its workings.
But when it comes down to it, I don't write for anyone but myself, and it really doesn't matter if anyone else reads it.
In the hopes that someone will appreciate/relate to/benefit from the stuff I write somehow, I put it online. So it doesn't just sit on a shelf someplace. At least someone might appreciate it besides myself…
But I digress.. Because I'm not sure where to start! And I'm afraid it might hurt.
Here's the shortish version.

In March 2003 I was 20 years old. My birthday is in October.
March 2003 I met my ex.
By the time my 21st birthday came around, we were living together as partners in a dingy old unit, with several of the most badly behaved cats I've ever known, and a small group of lovely pet rats.
That birthday was terrible. It was all about her as she had her first (in my experience) really bad "attack" of… anxiety? It was more like irrational anger and cruel impulses (to throw a pet rat onto the road) than irrational fear but in later years it fell under the broad category of anxiety.
She ruined dinner out with my parents with a disgusting attitude and somehow made it all my fault afterwards, as she always did.
By this point she'd already bullied, manipulated and criticised me into submission. To the point where all I was concerned about was making her feel better to reduce my own suffering. I was a shell of my former self, existing only to please her, because if I didn't please her, she hurt me. Not physically- I'd never even imply that she was physically abusive (unless you count the occasional slap) but emotionally and mentally.
Some sort of "attack" happened on or damn near every single one of my birthdays during our relationship, sometimes only calming down a short time before the next birthday then the cycle would start again.
That part of my life was like a limbo. I felt like I wasn't living, just existing. I couldn't grow in myself, I had to put all my energy and time and feelings into her.
I came out of it all a different person.

(a quick note… At the end of the relationship she claimed to several mutual friends that I was physically abusive, in an attempt to make herself look like the victim. She exaggerated one or two incidents and implied that it was a common occurrence. Anyone who knows me knows how much bull shit that is, but I just thought I'd point out that I have not lowered myself to the same level. I'd rather be honest and admit that I was too weak and pitiful and scared of getting emotionally hurt or hurting others to up and leave when I should have. Yes I made mistakes I wasn't perfect, but I do not deserve that kind of accusation.)

So, in a manner of speaking, I was dead by the time I reached my 21st birthday.
A huge part of the person I had been suffocated and passed into oblivion and when I read what I wrote before that time, I hardly recognise it as something that came from my head.
I find myself mourning now, the person who I was. Even though that person had a great many faults and seemed to be constantly suffering, bitter and torturing herself… she was intense and passionate and caring and lived for experience, didn't care how people judged her and thrived on being individual despite constant fears. Depression was fuel for creativity and happiness was manic and thrilling.

Perhaps my life now has no place for that person, but damn, I miss her.
I think the saddest thing about her loss is that she'd only just learned to love herself, after so many years of hate.

And after 6 years I am free, but I have to waste time learning who I am all over again.

Feeling Sorry For Myself

Suddenly I'm feeling awful sorry for myself…

Maybe it’s the soppy backstreet boys song playing right now.. Maybe it’s the discovery that someone who has repeatedly declared their love for me but constantly backs off with excuses of not wanting to settle down or be monogamous and have one partner now has… a partner, and has neglected to tell me.

Of course I'm not surprised that she's not told me, she always avoids me when she thinks she might upset/disturb/disappoint me, even though I consistently tell her I'm not that easily hurt.

No, I am hurt more by her not telling me, not talking to me, than by the fact that she currently has a partner.

There are many reasons that we shouldn't bother pursuing a relationship and we both know and have acknowledged them… So I'm not all that concerned, in fact, I'd like to be happy for her (despite a little jealousy) but I can't help but feel a bit disappointed that she's not spoken to me, not even to let me know.. Or even spoken to me and hidden it, which then leads me to wonder if she doesn't even think of me, doesn't care to talk to me, doesn't miss me at all.



I know I'm not the most sociable person, I withdraw and keep to myself and I am guilty of not initiating contact frequently myself, but that’s how I have always been and she knows that. I have occasionally said hello (or boo) and received no response at all, which hurts. Surely its not hard to drop a simple "sorry, busy, will get back to you"?



I don't know why I bother feeling jealous.. It's not like I am madly in love with her. I do love her, as a friend. I am attracted to her, we have chemistry. But I don't want a relationship with anyone right now and as I have already mentioned, there's plenty of reasons not to go there.

I honestly don't believe we would be compatible. We have chemistry but its not all fluffy love chemistry, there are more than a few sparks in there too.. We could have some bloody ripper fights if we didn't restrain ourselves.



When it comes down to it, I think part of me just loves being loved, or desired, and is jealous if someone else is receiving those feelings from someone I get those from.

I often wonder if I am even capable of real love, or if I simply soak up the feelings of other people and reflect them back.

I rarely have strong feelings for people and when I do, they've usually liked me first.

Of course, another individual I care greatly about throws a stick in the spokes of that idea.. Unless of course her feelings are interspersed with feelings of uncertainty, nervousness and possibly some rather negative feelings towards herself.

Privacy in public

Due to the public nature of this blog, there are some things I would like to discuss, but am not comfortable doing so as they are too current and there may be folk reading it who I do not want to read it, or who may talk to someone I don't want hearing about it. That sucks, quite a lot, and is part of the reason I don't have as many posts as I used to. Some things I write on paper never make it to this blog simply because I am slightly paranoid :P
One day I'm sure I'll just think "oh fuck it" and do it anyway, person/s be damned, but there are a few things I need to take care of before I would ever feel comfortable doing that. Just a few loose strings that need to be tied up.

I'm the sort of person that likes to cut diseased crap out of my life as quickly as possible and move on without it.. This minimises baggage, but retains lessons learned. Sometimes however, there are links which are somewhat more difficult to break than usual.. Or which have risks attached to attempting to break them. Usually things sort themselves out in time, but sometimes this just doesn't work.. Some people just don't come to logical conclusions and move on so easily, I guess. Damn.

cried!

Ok well I had a little cry, due to some very bad behaviour from a child and a dog adding up to good friday being bad.. Still moody but better than nothing :P

No tears, mania, depression..

I havn't cried for a long time. Which seems strange to me because I used to be a person who cried a lot. I mean seriously a lot, I cried when I was angry, sad, frustrated, confused... From childhood right into adulthood. About the only thing that didn't make me cry often was physical pain, unless it was incredibly severe, probably because the level of emotional pain I tend to feel is so much more painful. I mean I was one of those people who caused myself physical pain to relieve emotional pain, or to get rid of emotional numbness.
Of course this would seem to be a good thing, not crying so much, you'd think it would imply that I am happier. Maybe I am, I mean, I've been a lot more miserable and had a hell of a lot more shitty painful things happen to me in the past than I have happening right now.. Maybe its just the huge contrast, for a while there I was in so much emotional tumoil; confusion, frustration, anger... I was feeling either suicidal or murderous a majority of the time, and numb for brief periods (emotional endorphins?).
That situation has passed, and I don't have anything causing me the same level of turmoil. Like my emotional pain threshold is higher or something. Not that I don't have some upsetting, frustrating or confusing things happening in my life now, they're just not as severe. I havn't cried more than a few random tears in the last year, and those few random tears were usually something related to that terrible time. That has to be a record for me. I didn't even cry when someone I knew and respected passed away.

But I'm not sure if it is a good thing. I think it might mean I am feeling things less, that I've become a harder person, less caring or something.
Right now, today, possibly the last couple of days since it sometimes takes me a little while to realise it, I think I'm depressed. I feel like crying but I'm not. Or I can't. This is where the maybe its not a good thing part comes in. I mean, crying is a release, and if I can't cry, the depressed state may last longer, y'know what I mean?
According to my best friend of about 15 years, I have a form of bi-polar (manic-depressive). Theres a few types apparently, and I would be the 2nd type. Which means I don't have  psychotic episodes, which is good to know, haha!
Means I do have manic episodes and depressed episodes. This friend studies such things but is not actually a phychologist or anything so of course thats not a professional diagnosis, and made me giggle until another dear friend made me aware of the fact that I get into 'hyperactive' moods in which I can be very 'sharp'. During these moods I feel good, happy.. But apparently I can be a bit of a bitch. My own feeling during these moods is I am just saying what is on my mind, and I don't feel like I am being nasty or anything... I guess that could indeed be 'manic'. (a definition of manic is; frenzied: affected with or marked by frenzy or mania uncontrolled by
reason) And I already know I get depressed.. Always have.. I'm pretty sure I'm not always a bitch when I go into the manic state, it depends on whats going on at the time.. Sometimes I just get silly, energetic, extremely playful... But it is true that I'm not really considering the feelings of others during this, unless they're laughing, coz that makes me happier...
So, yeah, maybe theres some truth in it, maybe I do have a touch of bi-polar... But since I have always been this way, I never realised that this particular aspect of my personality was strange or unusual.. Just me. Which is guess it is (just me) and people just have to deal with it, because I can't control or predict it and I doubt thats going to change.. But at least I have an excuse?

Really feel like I could use a good cry at the moment anyways... Have that dead feeling, like I'm not really feeling anything much, good or bad, no happy, no sad, no motivation.. Vegetating.. I don't like it. But its like theres a wall there, holding all my feelings away from me, and the only feeling I'm left with is an absence of feeling. Which I suppose is a feeling, which is the feeling I call depressed, I don't know if thats the same as others would identify it, but I feel like if that wall broke, which it used to do so easily, I would be overwhelmed with emotions and could actually get on with feeling like a person.

Still Tired..

Hence the lack of posts haha...
I've been busy.. work type stuff.. I call it work type stuff coz its like self-employed-without-a-business-learning-as-I-go sorta situation.. Fixing computers.. helping people choose a new computer, quotes for custom builds..
Plus studying, and being a friend for someone who is having a hard time personally, and a few other things.. So I'm busy, damnit.. and tired!

I am so freakin tired

I don't even have the energy to write stuff.

That is all

Goodnight

Swing up, swing down.. tee hee

written Fri Mar 5, 2010, 10:46 PM

Sooo, the life feels good feeling lasted hmm a few days, maybe even a week haha, then It got kinda nuetral, now I'm down, for no particular reason. But thats normal, for me anyhow.. I assume for everyone? Hmm..
Well I'm very busy at present, classes are challenging and a 5 year old child is challenging and some friends are challenging also (this is not directed at anyone in particular so no one go taking it personally).. and to top it all off my mother has been (kindly) sending people who need assistance with computer related things my way in the hopes that I can earn some money which is very good of her, and great in theory, but it means I have to actually decide how much my time is worth... Which is easy if you've got an employer paying you a standard wage, you look at your bank statements..
Its a bit harder however when you have to come up with it yourself and you have a fairly rotten sense of self-worth hahaha...
This also means I have less free time.
So I STILL havn't done much in the way of artistic type stuff..
But I feel like I'm between things in that area anyway, if y'all know what I mean.. Like my style has changed but I havn't quite figured out how to use the new version.. Does that make any sense at all? I wish it would hurry up and come back anyways, I hate feeling inspired but being unable to express it, it confuses me. Perhaps thats what is making me feel a tad on the depressed side?

Life feels good today..

Well its been over a year since I started this blog while I was going through my own personal hell.. I've had ups and downs since then, but on the whole I'm doing ok now..
I was a bit depressed early this week and rather than doing something stupid and masochistic, I went for a bicycle ride, which I guess is a little masochistic really when you go during the hottest part of the australian summer day and enjoy the 'burn' in your muscles and the exhausted sweaty jelly legged feeling afterwards.. But thats healthy, isn't it? hahaha! So I've been going for a ride for 2 or 3 km every day this week, and I hope to keep it up, because it is improving my overall energy levels and mood, and to be honest, I wouldn't mind losing just a few more kilos...
I think I've pretty much ironed out the "who are my real friends" and "who can I trust" type issues, along with re-kindling some old friendships with people I wasn't able to speak to for the six years I was with my ex, and making a new friend or two. So I'm feeling pretty good in that department.
I'm still single and still enjoying being single, although I do have moments when I feel a bit down about it simply because I don't have someone to be physically intimate with. (and that doesn't always mean sex :P)
Admittedly I do have the occasional period of extreme horniness which is a bit frustrating and distracting especially when someone winds me up.. (wonder if she reads this far into this..) Then gets busy playing a game and doesn't talk to me for a week so I can't punish her for frustrating me! (miss you, in case you're reading this lol) But the bike rides are helping with that too, lol!

I start cert IV in IT next week, which I am looking forward to, especially since I am feeling more alert and happy now.. I was having a lot of trouble concentrating on anything last week as I was a bit sad, tired and lethargic..
I also solved a personal problem I have always had which I won't go into but has given me another source of tension and stress relief..

I'm going to get back into my energy work also (spiritual healing in laymans terms:P) which had to go on the backburner while I was with my ex, which I am looking forward to, coz its all such great feel-good stuff..

So...
Life feels good today..
Lets see how long I can keep it that way!

Aww, shucks

It surprises me at times, that people actually like me, want to spend time with me, think of me and miss me when I am absent.
I kinda think of myself as one of those people that other people just... Put up with.
It's not that I think badly of myself as a person, at least I don't think so... I just think I'm.. Boring? I dunno..
Some people's actions encourage me to feel this way- For example, if I run into them someplace, they appear happy to see me, but they never make any attempt to contact or spend time with me. In many cases they did for a while, we spent lots of time together, but then all of a sudden they will appear to... lose interest.. often make plans then cancel, then eventually drop contact all together. Then I only hear from them if they're having computer problems.
Of course there are plenty of people who havn't behaved this way, thats just an example of something that does seem to happen quite frequently.. Like a whirlwind friendship, with no explanation... So my conclusion is, basically.. They must have gotten sick of me, bored with me, or perhaps I scared them somehow.. I know I scare people occasionally, old habits are hard to break.

I know I'm not the easiest person to maintain contact with... I tend to periodically withdraw for quite some time, what I like to call "hermit mode"... I rarely initiate contact, for various reasons (I won't go into the reasons now, if you want to know, ask me). But the ubruptness that some people drop me is a bit disconcerting.
So I try not to make people sick of me, by allowing them to initiate contact most of the time, hahah.. Thats one of the reasons I don't initiate contact often.
Sometimes I get so deep into my 'hermit mode' that I need a bit of a shove to come back out of my shell.. And its usually when someone gives me one of those shoves that I get that surprise.
I have had 3 of those surprises in as many days. Friends who I havn't spoken to for a while saying that they've missed me, or expressing love for me... One of which actually brought tears to my eyes.
I don't know why I am the way I am.. Hell I'm not even sure what way I am! (not even my mind is straight?!)
But I would like to thank those friends who have the patience to still be there when I emerge from my hermit shack, or other reasons for solitude (even after 6 years!)  and those who come in and drag me out.
I may not seem appreciative, but on some level, I'm pathetically glad to have you all. You make me realise that I'm not quite as dull as I think I am.

It's been a while.. Been avoiding writing!

ok, I give up, I guess I need to write.
I've felt like I need to for a few days at least, but have been resisiting it. Now I'm feeling rather depressed and I guess I shouldn't have dismissed the warning signs - loss of appetite, insomnia, unmotivated, and even more anti-social than usual lol...
I've been avoiding writing because i don't want to think about certain things and writing is how I process those thoughts and get them out of my head. Which sounds good in theory but the downside is that the process itself is usually quite painful. But it effects not only myself but those around me if i don't deal with it.
I've also been somewhat unsure about what to write about exactly, or rather, how to start, as one I get the ball rolling it tends to all pour out. And whether or not i want to put it online. Usually I do put the things I write online, as then, despite the fact that few people ever read it, I feel less like I'm talking to myself :P
But one of my problems at the moment seems to be a trust issue. So maybe I'll start with that.

I've always been a socially timid person, being uncomfortable around strangers and wary and self concious even around most friends. "Scared of people." I've never really been sure exactly why, however. Perhaps a fear of being judged, or hurt, or of hurting others.. Perhaps a combination of those at different times in different circumstances. I wish i could understand it so I could eliminate it. Anyways, I've always felt socially inept.
But I've always been a trusting and fairly honest (no-one is perfect) person.
The feeling of being anxious about whether or not I can trust friends and aqaintances is a fairly new one to me, and i hate it. I hate wondering if it is safe to speak openly.

Maybe I'm being paranoid, or maybe realistic, but...
I've never before been in a position where I felt people I WANT to trust may not be people I CAN trust.
Or wondered if certain people only keep contact with me in order to gather information for someone else.
Someone who I would prefer knew nothing about my life because I want them out of mine.
Someone who preached mercilessly to me about how important trust and honesty are for 5 years, until I trusted her completely, regardless of the incredible lack of respect I put up with, then betrayed me in the worst possible way, cheating and lying, after everything I gave up, after everything I did for her. I am still shocked by the extents of her lies.

Anyway, the point is, in 6 years we did develop some mutual friendships, and now I find that I fear these friends.
I know how much crap filters through the grapevine and gets back to me, so how much of my life gets back to her?
The stupidest thing about the way I feel is that I don;t really have a lot to hide. So I guess its all kinda irrational, in a way...  I don't know why it gets to me so much except that after having her in such total control of me and my life; my friends, my words, my activites, she even tried to control the way I felt and thought... I don't even want her to know about anything I do, say, feel... Anything about my life now.
I tried not to hate her, I really did. Because I dislike the feeling of hate, and the side effects of it.. But I guess I failed, because I really do hate her.
And there is this nasty vicious little part of me that I've always tried to suppress... That wishes great suffering and even death upon her. I sincerely hope I never have to see her again.

Obviously she is one of the issues I have been trying not to think about, being all tied up in the trust issues.. See how that all just poured out? horrific...
God/dess i wish there was a way to know if I could trust a person.
Theres very few people I feel I can trust, and I somewhat avoid the rest.
Most of those that I do trust don't know her, but they are few and far between...