I met her yesterday, they had the kid for a couple of hours and were having a coffee when I met them to take her... She looked quite apprehensive as I walked up I'm not sure what she expected...
I said hi, she said hi back... Then sat there looking like she would to dissapear into the seat... I chatted to my ex for a bit... Then said "long flight eh?" "Yes, very long" she replied, continuing to look like she would like very much to become invisible.
Obviously no point in this, I thought, so after a little more chatter, I said "I'll leave yas to it then" and wandered off with our daughter, to meet a friend.
I found the whole thing quite amusing... I actually felt a little sorry for her, she was so awkward. I was quite pleased however to discover that she's quite ugly.. Well, in my opinion at least, although I've heard I'm not the only one who thinks she's nothing special...
I'm now going through the process of talking to some of our mutual friends, the ones that I have always liked and considered friends of my own as well as hers, establishing a relationship with people I've never spoken to alone before... Its extremely relieving to find that they consider me a friend also, and would like to get to know me better as a person, not just a partner of a friend.
Its nice to be able to talk about the things that she never liked me talking about.. My past before I met her, my writing, my drawing...
And of course, while its probably not the nicest thing to do (although the less rational more emotional side of me says well fuck it, she deserves no better), its nice to be able to be open with people who know her, about what our relationship was really like... The things no one ever saw, or saw but didn't understand.
I don't want to turn her friends against her, I'm not like that... But what she did to me, they don't agree with anyway, and I need to talk about it. If they're willing to listen, they can take from that what they like. Its not as if she can't tell them her side of the story and while I speak of her 'bad points', I don't intend to make her look like an awful person... She has problems, and I'm sure (and hope) that these friends recognise that and take it into account in the matter and hope, as I do, that things work out for her, and that she grows and learns from the experiences she has had/is having/will have.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
deviant Art... and She's flying in today!
I joined deviant Art a few days ago... Theres some awesome stuff on there, literature, traditional art, graphic art...
I thought it'd be cool to put some of my own art up there, and have also added some of my old poetry and writing.
I will gradually add all my old favorites, and any of my art that I have pictures of, but there is a lot I can't get up there yet because I still have no access to the hard drive on my dead computer, which holds my scanned drawings...
Plus, I don't want to install my scanner software on this laptop as it is borrowed and the software has a lot of junk that I really don't want to have to mess around uninstalling when I have to give the laptop back..
So for now I'm just putting the old stuff that I have access to through other places I have uploaded it.
The other woman is flying in today. My ex has taken the bus to Perth to meet her. Still a few hours till the plane gets in, and I think I'm almost as apprehensive as they are both nervous.
The other woman has been so paranoid, she was freaking out thinking she was going to get off the plane and no one wold be there to meet her lol...
My ex is simply anxious that she won't like her, or that they won't get on, that the chemistry will be lacking, etc...
I was amused and saddened (funny how conflicting emotions can be caused by one thing) last night to see how much effort she was going to on her appearance trying to make a good first impression... She actually purchased an eyelash curler! In the 6 years that I have known her, she has never had or shown interest in an eyelash curler.
I am amused by the effort she is going to, I am saddened because she never went to that much effort over her appearance for me.
Of course I suppose I never encouraged her to either... I always told her I was happy with her however she looked, that it was *her* I loved not her appearance. Told her she didn't need to shave her legs (I prefer hair to prickles) etc...
They're both nervous, of course, but so am I!
Obviously not the same... But my future hinges on this meeting as much as theirs does. If they hit it off and she flies to england, I can get on with my life without her trying to influence and control me.
Even if we didn't live together she would try to manipulate and control aspects of my life through our daughter, and using her as an excuse.
She's even said to me that if she does go over there and she hears that I've gone out and gotten drunk, even just once, she will take measures to have our daughter removed from my care.
Thats fucked up.
So I can't leave her in the care of someone responsible and trustworthy and go out and maybe have a few too many drinks with friends or whatever... I mean I don't intend on drinking a lot or anything anyway... I have a responsibility. Its the principle of the thing!
Sometimes its nice to have a few too many drinks, blow some steam off, release some stress... And goodness knows I've had a lot of problems and trauma lately and I could really use a night out.. Just once, to get it out of my system.
But even if I didn't get drunk, if I just went out and had a few drinks with friends every now and then, I would live in constant fear that someone she knows would 'report' back to her, and they may exaggerate, or she might over react, and then a mountain could be created from a molehill and goodness knows what could happen.
So imagine what life would be like if she doesn't go to england, even if we don't continue to live together (which she wants to if she doesn't go), I would live in constant fear that she is monitering me, she would be manipulating me at every opportunity... If we remain friends, she will try to control my relationships, tell me who I can be friends with and who is 'no good', use our daughter... "I don't want that person around our daughter" is a statement I could expect to hear constantly about anyone she doesn't like, even if they're perfectly nice responsible people.
Even if we didn't remain friends I could expect that.
So I hope she goes.... If she doesn't, my life won't get much better. It might get worse.
I succumbed to the urge to harm myself recently.. nothing major.. I heard something I didn't like.. It made me very angry, partly at myself.
I thought it'd be cool to put some of my own art up there, and have also added some of my old poetry and writing.
I will gradually add all my old favorites, and any of my art that I have pictures of, but there is a lot I can't get up there yet because I still have no access to the hard drive on my dead computer, which holds my scanned drawings...
Plus, I don't want to install my scanner software on this laptop as it is borrowed and the software has a lot of junk that I really don't want to have to mess around uninstalling when I have to give the laptop back..
So for now I'm just putting the old stuff that I have access to through other places I have uploaded it.
The other woman is flying in today. My ex has taken the bus to Perth to meet her. Still a few hours till the plane gets in, and I think I'm almost as apprehensive as they are both nervous.
The other woman has been so paranoid, she was freaking out thinking she was going to get off the plane and no one wold be there to meet her lol...
My ex is simply anxious that she won't like her, or that they won't get on, that the chemistry will be lacking, etc...
I was amused and saddened (funny how conflicting emotions can be caused by one thing) last night to see how much effort she was going to on her appearance trying to make a good first impression... She actually purchased an eyelash curler! In the 6 years that I have known her, she has never had or shown interest in an eyelash curler.
I am amused by the effort she is going to, I am saddened because she never went to that much effort over her appearance for me.
Of course I suppose I never encouraged her to either... I always told her I was happy with her however she looked, that it was *her* I loved not her appearance. Told her she didn't need to shave her legs (I prefer hair to prickles) etc...
They're both nervous, of course, but so am I!
Obviously not the same... But my future hinges on this meeting as much as theirs does. If they hit it off and she flies to england, I can get on with my life without her trying to influence and control me.
Even if we didn't live together she would try to manipulate and control aspects of my life through our daughter, and using her as an excuse.
She's even said to me that if she does go over there and she hears that I've gone out and gotten drunk, even just once, she will take measures to have our daughter removed from my care.
Thats fucked up.
So I can't leave her in the care of someone responsible and trustworthy and go out and maybe have a few too many drinks with friends or whatever... I mean I don't intend on drinking a lot or anything anyway... I have a responsibility. Its the principle of the thing!
Sometimes its nice to have a few too many drinks, blow some steam off, release some stress... And goodness knows I've had a lot of problems and trauma lately and I could really use a night out.. Just once, to get it out of my system.
But even if I didn't get drunk, if I just went out and had a few drinks with friends every now and then, I would live in constant fear that someone she knows would 'report' back to her, and they may exaggerate, or she might over react, and then a mountain could be created from a molehill and goodness knows what could happen.
So imagine what life would be like if she doesn't go to england, even if we don't continue to live together (which she wants to if she doesn't go), I would live in constant fear that she is monitering me, she would be manipulating me at every opportunity... If we remain friends, she will try to control my relationships, tell me who I can be friends with and who is 'no good', use our daughter... "I don't want that person around our daughter" is a statement I could expect to hear constantly about anyone she doesn't like, even if they're perfectly nice responsible people.
Even if we didn't remain friends I could expect that.
So I hope she goes.... If she doesn't, my life won't get much better. It might get worse.
I succumbed to the urge to harm myself recently.. nothing major.. I heard something I didn't like.. It made me very angry, partly at myself.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Now that I'm up to date...
Ok, I've posted most of what I wrote while I had no access to a computer...
I would have written more but I've had very little free time, and when I have never alone for any length of time. Between studying and work I have been running myself into the ground... Trying to do what I need to do for me and earning enough money so that I don't get left with debt..
So now that I am up to date... A current post!
Well, theres 6 days until the other woman flies over from Blackpool, then they will stay in a hotel in Perth for 2 days, then stay at my ex-inlaws new house for the remainder of the 3 weeks she is here... Assuming all goes well.
If things do go well, and she can overcome her fear of flying, they will both fly back to england.
She purchased her ticket a week or two ago. They had been fighting a lot up until then because the other woman was so scared she was going to get hurt, that she was being paranoid and picking fights and kinda pushing her away... They've only had minor issues since she purchased her ticket... Amazing what difference feeling secure can make, eh?
She still talks about everything as "if" though, not when... She is worried that the other woman won't find her attractive when they meet, that she will be disgusted by her, because she is overweight. She is also worried that one or both of them will be different or feel different in person, and that they will not have the same chemistry...
I'm worried about all those same things! Hahaha....
Plus a few she hasn't seemed to think of...
While I hope they work out and she flies back over there... Something in my gut tells me they won't. That in those 3 weeks, they will discover that they should never have ben more than friends, and then I'll not have my freedom, because I'm too nice to say well too bad, I don't want to live like this anymore, because I'll give up and settle back into the depressed caged animal I have gotten so used to being over the years...
That I'll spend the rest of my life hating myself, feeling ashamed and stupid and weak.
I like to think that I'll be able to do what I need to do if she doesn't go, that I'll be able to take control of my life... But I am so scared that when it comes to the crunch... I'll just crumble.
And so, I continue to hope and wish that they work, and she goes, and I can get on with my life without that dead weight dragging me down.
I would have written more but I've had very little free time, and when I have never alone for any length of time. Between studying and work I have been running myself into the ground... Trying to do what I need to do for me and earning enough money so that I don't get left with debt..
So now that I am up to date... A current post!
Well, theres 6 days until the other woman flies over from Blackpool, then they will stay in a hotel in Perth for 2 days, then stay at my ex-inlaws new house for the remainder of the 3 weeks she is here... Assuming all goes well.
If things do go well, and she can overcome her fear of flying, they will both fly back to england.
She purchased her ticket a week or two ago. They had been fighting a lot up until then because the other woman was so scared she was going to get hurt, that she was being paranoid and picking fights and kinda pushing her away... They've only had minor issues since she purchased her ticket... Amazing what difference feeling secure can make, eh?
She still talks about everything as "if" though, not when... She is worried that the other woman won't find her attractive when they meet, that she will be disgusted by her, because she is overweight. She is also worried that one or both of them will be different or feel different in person, and that they will not have the same chemistry...
I'm worried about all those same things! Hahaha....
Plus a few she hasn't seemed to think of...
While I hope they work out and she flies back over there... Something in my gut tells me they won't. That in those 3 weeks, they will discover that they should never have ben more than friends, and then I'll not have my freedom, because I'm too nice to say well too bad, I don't want to live like this anymore, because I'll give up and settle back into the depressed caged animal I have gotten so used to being over the years...
That I'll spend the rest of my life hating myself, feeling ashamed and stupid and weak.
I like to think that I'll be able to do what I need to do if she doesn't go, that I'll be able to take control of my life... But I am so scared that when it comes to the crunch... I'll just crumble.
And so, I continue to hope and wish that they work, and she goes, and I can get on with my life without that dead weight dragging me down.
written 22/2/09
She keeps telling me that she misses me, that she cares more about me than the other woman, she's just going through the motions... I think she's convinced herself that I do still love her and that things will work out fine after the other woman has 'come and gone'. That I am pretending not to love her because its the only way I can deal with it, or something.
She says she probably won't 'be able' to have feelings for/have sex with the other woman because she'll be thinking of me. But I don't want that. I want her to want to be with her, I want them to be together so I can be alone.
I hate myself for being here, for being so weak. I want to cut because of it. I havn't yet. But I think I might eventually.
If she convinces me to try again, or even just if she stays here living with me, loving me, and I keep 'looking after' her, I will always hate myself for not being strong enough to leave when I had the perfect opportunity.
Its pathetic that I can't do this for myself.
I'm pathetic, I hate myself.
That part of me that hates her grown everytime she tells me she loves me, that she cares for me more than she cares for her, while she has a picture of her on her phone wallpaper that I see many times a day, and a photo in her purse, on display. It makes me angry.
It makes me angry that she expects me to pretend we are still together around her friends and out families.
I resent the fact that she expects me to wait, not 'go looking for someone else', as if our relationship is in a coma and will wake up soon.
I hate that I still have to look after her, that her anxiety affects my life, my classes, my work...
I am frustrated that our money is shared and I have very litle say in where the bulk of it goes, and that the phone bills are so rediculously high from calling england and my money has to help pay that.
She says she probably won't 'be able' to have feelings for/have sex with the other woman because she'll be thinking of me. But I don't want that. I want her to want to be with her, I want them to be together so I can be alone.
I hate myself for being here, for being so weak. I want to cut because of it. I havn't yet. But I think I might eventually.
If she convinces me to try again, or even just if she stays here living with me, loving me, and I keep 'looking after' her, I will always hate myself for not being strong enough to leave when I had the perfect opportunity.
Its pathetic that I can't do this for myself.
I'm pathetic, I hate myself.
That part of me that hates her grown everytime she tells me she loves me, that she cares for me more than she cares for her, while she has a picture of her on her phone wallpaper that I see many times a day, and a photo in her purse, on display. It makes me angry.
It makes me angry that she expects me to pretend we are still together around her friends and out families.
I resent the fact that she expects me to wait, not 'go looking for someone else', as if our relationship is in a coma and will wake up soon.
I hate that I still have to look after her, that her anxiety affects my life, my classes, my work...
I am frustrated that our money is shared and I have very litle say in where the bulk of it goes, and that the phone bills are so rediculously high from calling england and my money has to help pay that.
Monday, March 2, 2009
My life right now is a lie...
(written somewhere between the 16/2/09 and the 21/2/09)
Her status message on MSN "busy with my babe... if I don't return your IM don't get offended".
Once upon a time this would have bothered me for totally different reasons...
Now I can't help but wonder how many people know who she is talking about, who her 'babe' is...
It drives me nuts that I have to pretend we are still together around our (her) friends and family... And why?
Because she wants to keep up appearances. Just in case we get back together eventually. And so she can feel more confident that I'm not going to find someone else.
Because our relationship is 'important to people' as if that should matter. Why should we be some kind of figurehead for everyone? It's all a lie.
While I'm willing to wait until she has met the other woman to see if things work out with them and then figure out if we continue to live together, I fail to see how this charade benefits anyone. Well, other than her.... Since she feels the need to keep her options open... Of course she has the added benefit of me still 'looking after' her, being able to keep tabs on me, etc...
Aaargh! It's frustrating. I shouldn't have to live like this and if I could just be a cunt for once I wouldn't.
Thing is, if she continues to make me live like this I won't be able to live with her.
I'm single goddamnit, but still living like I am her partner... No, her carer... I'm itching to live my life but all I have is a big lie, I'm still in a web, trapped, each time I pick myself off one strand, another entangles me.
I hope so badly that her and the other woman work out and she takes her away from me, because I feel like without that I will never truly be free.
Her status message on MSN "busy with my babe... if I don't return your IM don't get offended".
Once upon a time this would have bothered me for totally different reasons...
Now I can't help but wonder how many people know who she is talking about, who her 'babe' is...
It drives me nuts that I have to pretend we are still together around our (her) friends and family... And why?
Because she wants to keep up appearances. Just in case we get back together eventually. And so she can feel more confident that I'm not going to find someone else.
Because our relationship is 'important to people' as if that should matter. Why should we be some kind of figurehead for everyone? It's all a lie.
While I'm willing to wait until she has met the other woman to see if things work out with them and then figure out if we continue to live together, I fail to see how this charade benefits anyone. Well, other than her.... Since she feels the need to keep her options open... Of course she has the added benefit of me still 'looking after' her, being able to keep tabs on me, etc...
Aaargh! It's frustrating. I shouldn't have to live like this and if I could just be a cunt for once I wouldn't.
Thing is, if she continues to make me live like this I won't be able to live with her.
I'm single goddamnit, but still living like I am her partner... No, her carer... I'm itching to live my life but all I have is a big lie, I'm still in a web, trapped, each time I pick myself off one strand, another entangles me.
I hope so badly that her and the other woman work out and she takes her away from me, because I feel like without that I will never truly be free.
also written 15/2/09
My confidence that they will work out, that their meeting will be a success, is waning. Well, it sometimes receives a boost and I think they will be ok, but overall, there is a lot of doubt.
Obviously this comes from what she tells me, how she is feeling, about her and me. She has a lot of disputing feelings within her, because she kinda wants both of us now.
In some ways, a friends interference has caused this problem. Because it forced her in a way, to talk to me, about why she stopped loving me before... Forced her to stop bottling up that hurt, that fear. Forced her to listen to my responses and understand some things about both of us and why certain things happened, and maybe forgive me and let go of that hurt she was holding onto.
In doing so, she once again seems to have feelings for me.
She sees me not as a person who has hurt her, but the person she loved before she felt hurt. But this all happened too late for her to be able to end things with the other woman without meeting her 'to see'.
But I don't believe she loves me like she thinks she does. I believe she wants to, that she has convinced herself that she does, because she wants my support, and wants life to be simple, and staying with me would be simpler than going with her.
Also, (the other womans) mood swings, jealousy, insecurity, fear, have been causing them to fight a lot.
The combination of her being so unsure about (the other woman), and her now having these feelings about me, may affect their meeting. She says she might not be able to 'do anything' with her because of her feelings for me. Before, it probably wasn't true, wasn't a real issue, but I worry now that it might be.
Obviously this comes from what she tells me, how she is feeling, about her and me. She has a lot of disputing feelings within her, because she kinda wants both of us now.
In some ways, a friends interference has caused this problem. Because it forced her in a way, to talk to me, about why she stopped loving me before... Forced her to stop bottling up that hurt, that fear. Forced her to listen to my responses and understand some things about both of us and why certain things happened, and maybe forgive me and let go of that hurt she was holding onto.
In doing so, she once again seems to have feelings for me.
She sees me not as a person who has hurt her, but the person she loved before she felt hurt. But this all happened too late for her to be able to end things with the other woman without meeting her 'to see'.
But I don't believe she loves me like she thinks she does. I believe she wants to, that she has convinced herself that she does, because she wants my support, and wants life to be simple, and staying with me would be simpler than going with her.
Also, (the other womans) mood swings, jealousy, insecurity, fear, have been causing them to fight a lot.
The combination of her being so unsure about (the other woman), and her now having these feelings about me, may affect their meeting. She says she might not be able to 'do anything' with her because of her feelings for me. Before, it probably wasn't true, wasn't a real issue, but I worry now that it might be.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
written 15/2/09
I find it difficult to stay on track when I am writing.
If I am trying to record some particular aspect of my life, or feelings, such as trying to express ow things are at the moment,I branch off into my feelings and fears.
But that is how it has always been.
It's like I am following a path of thought, and it branches out at many places. Each time it forks I have to choose a path and follow it. Which is frustrating! I wish I could grow an extra me to follow each other path each time, so I could follow all these trails of thought without missing so much!
As I choose and follow each path, my mind continues to think about the other path for a short while, before concentrating on the path I have chosen and sometimes it looks interesting and I almost regret choosing the one I did. But its too late to turn back, as that other path fades away too quickly.
At the moment most of all of my thoughts and feelings, and therefore, my writing, is pretty much based around one basic topic, which is, of course, my current situation.. Which isn't so basic...
Even thoughts that need not have anything to do with it are shadowed, affected by this. Every thoughts has a kind of underlying 'and this relates to my situation, affects my situation, in this way'.
Which is frustrating. I'm so sick of it. Sick of thinking about it and going around in circles. Sick of feeling like I am stuck in some kind of limbo and cannot move on
If someone could read my thoughts, I'm sure they would be as utterly sick of it as I am, and I'm sure my friends who I talk to about it all are completely sick of hearing about it lol.
I must be so boring right now with my total self-involvement.
I feel so selfish in my thoughts and conversation.
And no amount of writing will eliminate it from my head, because I am too weak to remove myself totally fom the situation, despite it all, I care too much about someone elses feelings.
If I am trying to record some particular aspect of my life, or feelings, such as trying to express ow things are at the moment,I branch off into my feelings and fears.
But that is how it has always been.
It's like I am following a path of thought, and it branches out at many places. Each time it forks I have to choose a path and follow it. Which is frustrating! I wish I could grow an extra me to follow each other path each time, so I could follow all these trails of thought without missing so much!
As I choose and follow each path, my mind continues to think about the other path for a short while, before concentrating on the path I have chosen and sometimes it looks interesting and I almost regret choosing the one I did. But its too late to turn back, as that other path fades away too quickly.
At the moment most of all of my thoughts and feelings, and therefore, my writing, is pretty much based around one basic topic, which is, of course, my current situation.. Which isn't so basic...
Even thoughts that need not have anything to do with it are shadowed, affected by this. Every thoughts has a kind of underlying 'and this relates to my situation, affects my situation, in this way'.
Which is frustrating. I'm so sick of it. Sick of thinking about it and going around in circles. Sick of feeling like I am stuck in some kind of limbo and cannot move on
If someone could read my thoughts, I'm sure they would be as utterly sick of it as I am, and I'm sure my friends who I talk to about it all are completely sick of hearing about it lol.
I must be so boring right now with my total self-involvement.
I feel so selfish in my thoughts and conversation.
And no amount of writing will eliminate it from my head, because I am too weak to remove myself totally fom the situation, despite it all, I care too much about someone elses feelings.
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