(written somewhere between the 16/2/09 and the 21/2/09)
Her status message on MSN "busy with my babe... if I don't return your IM don't get offended".
Once upon a time this would have bothered me for totally different reasons...
Now I can't help but wonder how many people know who she is talking about, who her 'babe' is...
It drives me nuts that I have to pretend we are still together around our (her) friends and family... And why?
Because she wants to keep up appearances. Just in case we get back together eventually. And so she can feel more confident that I'm not going to find someone else.
Because our relationship is 'important to people' as if that should matter. Why should we be some kind of figurehead for everyone? It's all a lie.
While I'm willing to wait until she has met the other woman to see if things work out with them and then figure out if we continue to live together, I fail to see how this charade benefits anyone. Well, other than her.... Since she feels the need to keep her options open... Of course she has the added benefit of me still 'looking after' her, being able to keep tabs on me, etc...
Aaargh! It's frustrating. I shouldn't have to live like this and if I could just be a cunt for once I wouldn't.
Thing is, if she continues to make me live like this I won't be able to live with her.
I'm single goddamnit, but still living like I am her partner... No, her carer... I'm itching to live my life but all I have is a big lie, I'm still in a web, trapped, each time I pick myself off one strand, another entangles me.
I hope so badly that her and the other woman work out and she takes her away from me, because I feel like without that I will never truly be free.
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