Now that I'm up to date...

Ok, I've posted most of what I wrote while I had no access to a computer...
I would have written more but I've had very little free time, and when I have never alone for any length of time. Between studying and work I have been running myself into the ground... Trying to do what I need to do for me and earning enough money so that I don't get left with debt..
So now that I am up to date... A current post!

Well, theres 6 days until the other woman flies over from Blackpool, then they will stay in a hotel in Perth for 2 days, then stay at my ex-inlaws new house for the remainder of the 3 weeks she is here... Assuming all goes well.
If things do go well, and she can overcome her fear of flying, they will both fly back to england.
She purchased her ticket a week or two ago. They had been fighting a lot up until then because the other woman was so scared she was going to get hurt, that she was being paranoid and picking fights and kinda pushing her away... They've only had minor issues since she purchased her ticket... Amazing what difference feeling secure can make, eh?
She still talks about everything as "if" though, not when... She is worried that the other woman won't find her attractive when they meet, that she will be disgusted by her, because she is overweight. She is also worried that one or both of them will be different or feel different in person, and that they will not have the same chemistry...
I'm worried about all those same things! Hahaha....
Plus a few she hasn't seemed to think of...

While I hope they work out and she flies back over there... Something in my gut tells me they won't. That in those 3 weeks, they will discover that they should never have ben more than friends, and then I'll not have my freedom, because I'm too nice to say well too bad, I don't want to live like this anymore, because I'll give up and settle back into the depressed caged animal I have gotten so used to being over the years...
That I'll spend the rest of my life hating myself, feeling ashamed and stupid and weak.

I like to think that I'll be able to do what I need to do if she doesn't go, that I'll be able to take control of my life... But I am so scared that when it comes to the crunch... I'll just crumble.

And so, I continue to hope and wish that they work, and she goes, and I can get on with my life without that dead weight dragging me down.