She keeps telling me that she misses me, that she cares more about me than the other woman, she's just going through the motions... I think she's convinced herself that I do still love her and that things will work out fine after the other woman has 'come and gone'. That I am pretending not to love her because its the only way I can deal with it, or something.
She says she probably won't 'be able' to have feelings for/have sex with the other woman because she'll be thinking of me. But I don't want that. I want her to want to be with her, I want them to be together so I can be alone.
I hate myself for being here, for being so weak. I want to cut because of it. I havn't yet. But I think I might eventually.
If she convinces me to try again, or even just if she stays here living with me, loving me, and I keep 'looking after' her, I will always hate myself for not being strong enough to leave when I had the perfect opportunity.
Its pathetic that I can't do this for myself.
I'm pathetic, I hate myself.
That part of me that hates her grown everytime she tells me she loves me, that she cares for me more than she cares for her, while she has a picture of her on her phone wallpaper that I see many times a day, and a photo in her purse, on display. It makes me angry.
It makes me angry that she expects me to pretend we are still together around her friends and out families.
I resent the fact that she expects me to wait, not 'go looking for someone else', as if our relationship is in a coma and will wake up soon.
I hate that I still have to look after her, that her anxiety affects my life, my classes, my work...
I am frustrated that our money is shared and I have very litle say in where the bulk of it goes, and that the phone bills are so rediculously high from calling england and my money has to help pay that.
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