I joined deviant Art a few days ago... Theres some awesome stuff on there, literature, traditional art, graphic art...
I thought it'd be cool to put some of my own art up there, and have also added some of my old poetry and writing.
I will gradually add all my old favorites, and any of my art that I have pictures of, but there is a lot I can't get up there yet because I still have no access to the hard drive on my dead computer, which holds my scanned drawings...
Plus, I don't want to install my scanner software on this laptop as it is borrowed and the software has a lot of junk that I really don't want to have to mess around uninstalling when I have to give the laptop back..
So for now I'm just putting the old stuff that I have access to through other places I have uploaded it.
The other woman is flying in today. My ex has taken the bus to Perth to meet her. Still a few hours till the plane gets in, and I think I'm almost as apprehensive as they are both nervous.
The other woman has been so paranoid, she was freaking out thinking she was going to get off the plane and no one wold be there to meet her lol...
My ex is simply anxious that she won't like her, or that they won't get on, that the chemistry will be lacking, etc...
I was amused and saddened (funny how conflicting emotions can be caused by one thing) last night to see how much effort she was going to on her appearance trying to make a good first impression... She actually purchased an eyelash curler! In the 6 years that I have known her, she has never had or shown interest in an eyelash curler.
I am amused by the effort she is going to, I am saddened because she never went to that much effort over her appearance for me.
Of course I suppose I never encouraged her to either... I always told her I was happy with her however she looked, that it was *her* I loved not her appearance. Told her she didn't need to shave her legs (I prefer hair to prickles) etc...
They're both nervous, of course, but so am I!
Obviously not the same... But my future hinges on this meeting as much as theirs does. If they hit it off and she flies to england, I can get on with my life without her trying to influence and control me.
Even if we didn't live together she would try to manipulate and control aspects of my life through our daughter, and using her as an excuse.
She's even said to me that if she does go over there and she hears that I've gone out and gotten drunk, even just once, she will take measures to have our daughter removed from my care.
Thats fucked up.
So I can't leave her in the care of someone responsible and trustworthy and go out and maybe have a few too many drinks with friends or whatever... I mean I don't intend on drinking a lot or anything anyway... I have a responsibility. Its the principle of the thing!
Sometimes its nice to have a few too many drinks, blow some steam off, release some stress... And goodness knows I've had a lot of problems and trauma lately and I could really use a night out.. Just once, to get it out of my system.
But even if I didn't get drunk, if I just went out and had a few drinks with friends every now and then, I would live in constant fear that someone she knows would 'report' back to her, and they may exaggerate, or she might over react, and then a mountain could be created from a molehill and goodness knows what could happen.
So imagine what life would be like if she doesn't go to england, even if we don't continue to live together (which she wants to if she doesn't go), I would live in constant fear that she is monitering me, she would be manipulating me at every opportunity... If we remain friends, she will try to control my relationships, tell me who I can be friends with and who is 'no good', use our daughter... "I don't want that person around our daughter" is a statement I could expect to hear constantly about anyone she doesn't like, even if they're perfectly nice responsible people.
Even if we didn't remain friends I could expect that.
So I hope she goes.... If she doesn't, my life won't get much better. It might get worse.
I succumbed to the urge to harm myself recently.. nothing major.. I heard something I didn't like.. It made me very angry, partly at myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment