Before I left for work today, she came out to say seeya (so that I wouldn't go in and make the other woman suspicious, I guess, considering she has been told that we have broken up and are just friends).
She said she was going to clean up a bit while I was at work, and finish going through her clothes which I got her to start doing yesterday. Of course I didn't believe her, I had already read the chat log which said she would have to wait till I left so I wouldn't hear them have sex.
lol... So I went to work... It was a very long 5 hours lol, had the most boring braindead task, so I was thinking too much, of course... Occasional moments of nausea...
I sometimes managed to get into the mindset "I'm not at home now, I don't need to think about/deal with this here, I can relax a little" a few times for short periods, but never lasted long.
Got home and whaddya know! Absolutely nothing done, no cleaning, nothing. Surprise!
She was half asleep on the bed.
P.S.... I notice theres been a new visitor (or at least someone who hasn't been here since I put the counter in), if you're someone I know, let me know who you are lol... If you come back :P
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Crazy
I have to work today, she knows that, and has told (the other woman), who is very horny, that they should wait till I leave, because then she doesn't have to be quiet...
I wish I had a way of recording sound when I am not here, because it would be interesting to see how she is when I am not here, when she doesn't need to mumble, or be quiet during sex... But I can't think of anything! Perhaps I can buy something, to use another time, but its a shame to miss this opportunity as its the first time I've worked during their chat time, for quite some time.
The saddest thing is, I feel sorry for her... Because she is sick, psychologically. She always has been, sometimes she's improved for a time, but it always comes back.
I've always tried to help her, tried to be supportive, understanding... It has become such a habit that its hard to break, I can see whats going on, what she is doing, is hurting her... In more ways than one.. But she's dug herself such a deep hole she can't get out!
When (the other woman) visits... Well, I hope she really does care for her, that they both really care for each other, because if it isn't real, if it is one sided, they're going to have some major problems when she visits, and someones going to get hurt. Surely enough pain has come out of this?
I want to remove myself from this tangled web, but I have trouble doing so because I have this thing where I want to know the whole truth, but it seems impossible to find. The only truth I am sure of, is that she is psychologically unwell. I have no way of knowing if she is being honest with anyone! It is confusing and frustrating and throughout it all I feel pity for her, because she is sick.
But I don't think me being here is helping her, in leaving I might reduce the amount of lies she feels the need to tell, then she might feel less unhealthy and depressed and learn how to look after herself.
I feel awful, like I have failed somehow, as a partner, as a friend... I know I shouldn't, I know she is the one doing this, but she has a very good way of turning things around and blaming someone else, and it is often me. I've been pointing that out to her a lot lately, she does it even with little things. I don't know if it is stronger to stay, or to leave.. I think staying is stronger, because leaving is like running away, but at the same time... Leaving is so difficult, maybe that would be the stronger thing to do. Not that this matters... If I don't leave, I think I'll go crazy.. I already have gone a little crazy, I think... Spying, writing this blog, staying here as long as I have... Crazy.
I wish I had a way of recording sound when I am not here, because it would be interesting to see how she is when I am not here, when she doesn't need to mumble, or be quiet during sex... But I can't think of anything! Perhaps I can buy something, to use another time, but its a shame to miss this opportunity as its the first time I've worked during their chat time, for quite some time.
The saddest thing is, I feel sorry for her... Because she is sick, psychologically. She always has been, sometimes she's improved for a time, but it always comes back.
I've always tried to help her, tried to be supportive, understanding... It has become such a habit that its hard to break, I can see whats going on, what she is doing, is hurting her... In more ways than one.. But she's dug herself such a deep hole she can't get out!
When (the other woman) visits... Well, I hope she really does care for her, that they both really care for each other, because if it isn't real, if it is one sided, they're going to have some major problems when she visits, and someones going to get hurt. Surely enough pain has come out of this?
I want to remove myself from this tangled web, but I have trouble doing so because I have this thing where I want to know the whole truth, but it seems impossible to find. The only truth I am sure of, is that she is psychologically unwell. I have no way of knowing if she is being honest with anyone! It is confusing and frustrating and throughout it all I feel pity for her, because she is sick.
But I don't think me being here is helping her, in leaving I might reduce the amount of lies she feels the need to tell, then she might feel less unhealthy and depressed and learn how to look after herself.
I feel awful, like I have failed somehow, as a partner, as a friend... I know I shouldn't, I know she is the one doing this, but she has a very good way of turning things around and blaming someone else, and it is often me. I've been pointing that out to her a lot lately, she does it even with little things. I don't know if it is stronger to stay, or to leave.. I think staying is stronger, because leaving is like running away, but at the same time... Leaving is so difficult, maybe that would be the stronger thing to do. Not that this matters... If I don't leave, I think I'll go crazy.. I already have gone a little crazy, I think... Spying, writing this blog, staying here as long as I have... Crazy.
Friday, January 30, 2009
I should have done this sooner....
Holy snapping dog shit would you believe theres 2 of them!
She's got a backup LOL...
A friend who she is in love with, confides in... But has told she can't be with until she knows what is happening with the first one, if it doesn't work out, she'll have a go with her, basically... In the meantime, she is cheating on the first one with the second!
She tells her that *I* want to work on our relationship, but doesn't mention that I have actually tried to break up with her, but she asks me to stay... Tells her that we are actually broken up, and she is moving in with her parents when their house is finished...
I mean for fucks sake, this really is getting rediculous... Anyhow in a fit of rage I sent the 2nd one a friend request on yahoo, with the message "She tells you and (the other woman) that we are broken up, why does she tell me we're together?"
Of course she will tell her about it and then shit will hit the fan and all hell will break loose.
Boy is that going to be fun.
I've also discovered that she is hiding money from me, in preparation for (the other woman)'s visit, and her ticket to move back over there...
She calls me a stupid bitch, makes a big deal over how she has certain things (bills etc) in my name and certain things in hers so that when we split, I'll get stuck with the internet contract and such, and she will have no worries...
Has told online friends that she is moving to birmingham, not that she might be, that she IS!
How do I know all this? Well, chat logs are great, aren't they?
I had thought about checking chat logs before, but I hadn't got around to it... I thought she chatted mostly on facebook (which has no logs as far as I know) when not on mic, but apparently not...
She's got a backup LOL...
A friend who she is in love with, confides in... But has told she can't be with until she knows what is happening with the first one, if it doesn't work out, she'll have a go with her, basically... In the meantime, she is cheating on the first one with the second!
She tells her that *I* want to work on our relationship, but doesn't mention that I have actually tried to break up with her, but she asks me to stay... Tells her that we are actually broken up, and she is moving in with her parents when their house is finished...
I mean for fucks sake, this really is getting rediculous... Anyhow in a fit of rage I sent the 2nd one a friend request on yahoo, with the message "She tells you and (the other woman) that we are broken up, why does she tell me we're together?"
Of course she will tell her about it and then shit will hit the fan and all hell will break loose.
Boy is that going to be fun.
I've also discovered that she is hiding money from me, in preparation for (the other woman)'s visit, and her ticket to move back over there...
She calls me a stupid bitch, makes a big deal over how she has certain things (bills etc) in my name and certain things in hers so that when we split, I'll get stuck with the internet contract and such, and she will have no worries...
Has told online friends that she is moving to birmingham, not that she might be, that she IS!
How do I know all this? Well, chat logs are great, aren't they?
I had thought about checking chat logs before, but I hadn't got around to it... I thought she chatted mostly on facebook (which has no logs as far as I know) when not on mic, but apparently not...
Thursday, January 29, 2009
a bit of a random post
In continuation from the last post (I was interrupted yesterday when She decided to bring the laptop into the living area while she wasn't on mic).
I'm still listening to yesterday mornings recording... With the scared of flying discussion. The last significant thing I have picked from it is "No matter what happens I will get on that plane"
I had a dream last night that we broke up... She finally stopped pretending... It was a nice dream, not like the nightmare I had last week..
I can't remember much of it, because I think I fell back to sleep afterwards (goes to show it wasn't a nightmare). But it was like things should be...
She told me she was going to go, be with (the other woman), I basically said "I know, I've been waiting for you to get the guts up to tell me"
I think we discussed who gets what etc... But thats about all I remember. I just know I woke up thinking well that was nice....
Back to the recording... Quite a bit about flying, talked about my mother a bit... Talked about our foster daughter and how if it is easier for (the other woman) she won't 'bother'....
But then goes on the explain how she came to be in our care and that she is her parent, and asking how (the other woman) feels about being a step-mother. Saying that our breakup is no different to a straight couple with kids splitting up... But to see how they go... If she isn't comfortable with it...
I gather she is trying to convince (the other woman), to let her have shared custody, even if it is something like every 2nd weekend.
She is also telling her that the kid likes her... As if she doesn't like pretty much anyone that looks familiar that she sees a lot.
They also spoke quite a bit about having their own children... Whether to use a doner (the same guys we had thought about and asked previously in fact) or sperm bank/IVF...
Omg I just LOL'd because she was telling (the other woman) what she would be doing today... "going through my clothes, organising them... maybe do some cleaning.. theres not much to do... might kill a good 10 minutes..."
I've been waiting for her to organise her clothes since we moved into this house... 4 months ago... And the house is an absolute pigsty!
I'm still listening to yesterday mornings recording... With the scared of flying discussion. The last significant thing I have picked from it is "No matter what happens I will get on that plane"
I had a dream last night that we broke up... She finally stopped pretending... It was a nice dream, not like the nightmare I had last week..
I can't remember much of it, because I think I fell back to sleep afterwards (goes to show it wasn't a nightmare). But it was like things should be...
She told me she was going to go, be with (the other woman), I basically said "I know, I've been waiting for you to get the guts up to tell me"
I think we discussed who gets what etc... But thats about all I remember. I just know I woke up thinking well that was nice....
Back to the recording... Quite a bit about flying, talked about my mother a bit... Talked about our foster daughter and how if it is easier for (the other woman) she won't 'bother'....
But then goes on the explain how she came to be in our care and that she is her parent, and asking how (the other woman) feels about being a step-mother. Saying that our breakup is no different to a straight couple with kids splitting up... But to see how they go... If she isn't comfortable with it...
I gather she is trying to convince (the other woman), to let her have shared custody, even if it is something like every 2nd weekend.
She is also telling her that the kid likes her... As if she doesn't like pretty much anyone that looks familiar that she sees a lot.
They also spoke quite a bit about having their own children... Whether to use a doner (the same guys we had thought about and asked previously in fact) or sperm bank/IVF...
Omg I just LOL'd because she was telling (the other woman) what she would be doing today... "going through my clothes, organising them... maybe do some cleaning.. theres not much to do... might kill a good 10 minutes..."
I've been waiting for her to organise her clothes since we moved into this house... 4 months ago... And the house is an absolute pigsty!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
plans and passport!
Seems she spent most of yesterday morning figuring out their budget if (the other woman) moves here, or if She moves there.
And I mean, they didn't just touch on the subject... Its a continuing topic for hours!
How much they could each be earning, how much she would need for transport to and from work, how much debt (the other woman) has that needs paying... etc etc...
They go into so much detail.. I've asked about this topic before and she has always claimed it was a 'what if' that (the other woman) insisted on doing... I find that hard to believe on 2 counts... 1-a hypothetical that is not expected to happen would not normally go into so much detail and 2-I know She enjoys working out budgets for things if she is excited about or looking forward to them, so I doubt it took much insistence from (the other woman).
I'm currently listening to audio from earlier this morning, she's talking about going on a plane (to go over there). Saying that she's not sure if she would be able to go by herself because she is scared of flying, and might get there and freak out and not be able to get on the plane.
I looked through her phone text messages while she was napping... Most of her sent messages were deleted but there were many in her inbox...
A few of those were along the lines of "I'm so wet baby" and "omg im freaking out at work please tell me we're ok" and various love messages, and some saying she will need to work because (the other woman) is having money problems.
There was a couple sent still there though... Several "I'll be home soon" type messages... One was her telling (the other woman) that she would have the money for a passport this week, and would find the money for a ticket, borrow it if she has to, sell everything she owns if she has to...
There was also one telling her the only course she could do was IT (as I am doing) because she can do it online and maybe finish it quickly, aplogising if she wakes her up, asking her if she should do the course...
I did assume when we were there the reason she decided not to enroll for anything (she made a big deal about the courses all running for too long, she would only do something that went for say 6 weeks...) was because she didn't want to commit herself to anything, because she would probably be leaving soon... Guess I was right.
And I mean, they didn't just touch on the subject... Its a continuing topic for hours!
How much they could each be earning, how much she would need for transport to and from work, how much debt (the other woman) has that needs paying... etc etc...
They go into so much detail.. I've asked about this topic before and she has always claimed it was a 'what if' that (the other woman) insisted on doing... I find that hard to believe on 2 counts... 1-a hypothetical that is not expected to happen would not normally go into so much detail and 2-I know She enjoys working out budgets for things if she is excited about or looking forward to them, so I doubt it took much insistence from (the other woman).
I'm currently listening to audio from earlier this morning, she's talking about going on a plane (to go over there). Saying that she's not sure if she would be able to go by herself because she is scared of flying, and might get there and freak out and not be able to get on the plane.
I looked through her phone text messages while she was napping... Most of her sent messages were deleted but there were many in her inbox...
A few of those were along the lines of "I'm so wet baby" and "omg im freaking out at work please tell me we're ok" and various love messages, and some saying she will need to work because (the other woman) is having money problems.
There was a couple sent still there though... Several "I'll be home soon" type messages... One was her telling (the other woman) that she would have the money for a passport this week, and would find the money for a ticket, borrow it if she has to, sell everything she owns if she has to...
There was also one telling her the only course she could do was IT (as I am doing) because she can do it online and maybe finish it quickly, aplogising if she wakes her up, asking her if she should do the course...
I did assume when we were there the reason she decided not to enroll for anything (she made a big deal about the courses all running for too long, she would only do something that went for say 6 weeks...) was because she didn't want to commit herself to anything, because she would probably be leaving soon... Guess I was right.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
A kind of limbo
I enrolled to study Information Technology today... It was a great moment for me as I have been wanting to for a long time, but couldn't due to Her needs... Same reason as I have never held a decent job for any length of time until recently (and even then only casual).
Silly thing is... I'm sure she's letting me do things she wouldn't have before partly due to caring less.... She still wants me to look after her BUT doesn't care so much about what I'm doing, But also partly because she is guilty as hell for what she is doing, and she thinks that being nice to me, giving me some freedom, is somehow compensation, and showing me that she still loves me... But thats totally backfiring because I know more than she thinks I know, and I know she is trying to make me think she wants to be with me, and I am taking advantage of that... In a twisted kind of way the tables have turned.
We're still behaving mostly as friends, albeit with regular snappy moments, barbed comments and small disagreements...
Technically I'm still 'looking after' her... In that respect she is still using me...
But I'm not submitting to everything.. I'm not making it easy for her, and I am getting a lot of things I havn't had for a while, not having to ask for things so much... More freedom. plus I have the thrill of espionage lol!
The tension is much less now than when I knew there was something going on, knew she was lying, but didn't know what or why etc...
I have come to terms with it and it doesn't usually hurt much now. Basically, I expect her to leave, and I'm just making the best of things until it happens.
To up and leave would be complicated... We have a rental home, the lease in both our names, and neither of us can afford it alone...
Our child will be totally confused when it happens, she's been through a lot in her short life and perhaps its best to wait until we are ready to part amicably, rather than seeing us fight, watching her try to lie her way back into my heart...
Looking at it rationally, perhaps it is best to wait it out.
I'm sick of hearing her excuses and lies every time I try to drag out the truth, sick of her trying to make me stay. So I'm not fighting anymore.. I can wait, because it no longer hurts. My heart is closed to her love.
I care about her simply as a person I have known for a long time, a housemate, a friend... This wouldn't even be possible if I didn't know her so well...
For a while there I thought I didn't know her at all, because of the lies etc... But I realise now that she is the same lazy scared little girl she always has been... Lying goes so much against her grain that it is making her sick, and then more scared, and the vicious cycle that produces is the reason she just keeps telling lies.
So for now, we're in a kind of limbo.
Silly thing is... I'm sure she's letting me do things she wouldn't have before partly due to caring less.... She still wants me to look after her BUT doesn't care so much about what I'm doing, But also partly because she is guilty as hell for what she is doing, and she thinks that being nice to me, giving me some freedom, is somehow compensation, and showing me that she still loves me... But thats totally backfiring because I know more than she thinks I know, and I know she is trying to make me think she wants to be with me, and I am taking advantage of that... In a twisted kind of way the tables have turned.
We're still behaving mostly as friends, albeit with regular snappy moments, barbed comments and small disagreements...
Technically I'm still 'looking after' her... In that respect she is still using me...
But I'm not submitting to everything.. I'm not making it easy for her, and I am getting a lot of things I havn't had for a while, not having to ask for things so much... More freedom. plus I have the thrill of espionage lol!
The tension is much less now than when I knew there was something going on, knew she was lying, but didn't know what or why etc...
I have come to terms with it and it doesn't usually hurt much now. Basically, I expect her to leave, and I'm just making the best of things until it happens.
To up and leave would be complicated... We have a rental home, the lease in both our names, and neither of us can afford it alone...
Our child will be totally confused when it happens, she's been through a lot in her short life and perhaps its best to wait until we are ready to part amicably, rather than seeing us fight, watching her try to lie her way back into my heart...
Looking at it rationally, perhaps it is best to wait it out.
I'm sick of hearing her excuses and lies every time I try to drag out the truth, sick of her trying to make me stay. So I'm not fighting anymore.. I can wait, because it no longer hurts. My heart is closed to her love.
I care about her simply as a person I have known for a long time, a housemate, a friend... This wouldn't even be possible if I didn't know her so well...
For a while there I thought I didn't know her at all, because of the lies etc... But I realise now that she is the same lazy scared little girl she always has been... Lying goes so much against her grain that it is making her sick, and then more scared, and the vicious cycle that produces is the reason she just keeps telling lies.
So for now, we're in a kind of limbo.
Australia Day
Managed to make the best of Australia day, went to the local celebrations, had a nice family day, kid went on all the rides, scared the hell out of us on one of them...
Ran into some friends, hung out with one while her kids went on rides with our kid.. Spent a lot of money... Generally had a good time.
We actually had fun together but I had moments where thoughts would bring me down, make my stomach roll... Thoughts like; "this is probably our last special family day..."
"...I wonder how much of the little affection she shows me is fake..."
".. I wonder if this friend knows whats going on..."
" Why does she want to get video of the fireworks without my voice"
"Is she intentionally avoiding contact with me while her parents are here?"
"I bet (the other woman) is jealous that I have this time with her"
"I wonder if she is wishing (the other woman) was here instead of me"
You get the idea.... Occasionally I was able to forget... I just concentrated on the friends and the kid/s.
Of course when we got home she complained that (the other woman) was cranky, ruined the end of the evening by being grumpy when they spoke before bed. I pointed out that she is probably jealous because she would know that she is with me, having fun... Not with her.
I snuck a look at the christmas card she sent her... She wouldn't show me when she got it, told me it might upset me because she talked about her feelings...
Yeah, she talked about her feelings, she also talked about how they would be together in body soon, how wonderful it would be to be able to hold each other, touch each other, for real.
Explains why the blood drained from her face when she opened it, she was probably scared that I would insist on reading it. Well now I have... It could have been worse... If I didn't know what I do know now, it probably would have bothered me more.
Oh one last thing... I now know that her mother knows more than I've been told (of course) which also explains why she has seemed different towards me.
I heard Her say to (the other woman) that her mom wanted to know if she would be going to england when (the other woman) goes back, or at a later date.
Well thats just charming isn't it... Family is in on it and all... Considering what I have been through with that family, hell, I consider them my family and I thought they felt the same way... You'd think she would encourage her to tell me the truth.
But then again... She can be a sly bitch when she wants to be. Probably enjoys being in the loop, having secrets...
Ran into some friends, hung out with one while her kids went on rides with our kid.. Spent a lot of money... Generally had a good time.
We actually had fun together but I had moments where thoughts would bring me down, make my stomach roll... Thoughts like; "this is probably our last special family day..."
"...I wonder how much of the little affection she shows me is fake..."
".. I wonder if this friend knows whats going on..."
" Why does she want to get video of the fireworks without my voice"
"Is she intentionally avoiding contact with me while her parents are here?"
"I bet (the other woman) is jealous that I have this time with her"
"I wonder if she is wishing (the other woman) was here instead of me"
You get the idea.... Occasionally I was able to forget... I just concentrated on the friends and the kid/s.
Of course when we got home she complained that (the other woman) was cranky, ruined the end of the evening by being grumpy when they spoke before bed. I pointed out that she is probably jealous because she would know that she is with me, having fun... Not with her.
I snuck a look at the christmas card she sent her... She wouldn't show me when she got it, told me it might upset me because she talked about her feelings...
Yeah, she talked about her feelings, she also talked about how they would be together in body soon, how wonderful it would be to be able to hold each other, touch each other, for real.
Explains why the blood drained from her face when she opened it, she was probably scared that I would insist on reading it. Well now I have... It could have been worse... If I didn't know what I do know now, it probably would have bothered me more.
Oh one last thing... I now know that her mother knows more than I've been told (of course) which also explains why she has seemed different towards me.
I heard Her say to (the other woman) that her mom wanted to know if she would be going to england when (the other woman) goes back, or at a later date.
Well thats just charming isn't it... Family is in on it and all... Considering what I have been through with that family, hell, I consider them my family and I thought they felt the same way... You'd think she would encourage her to tell me the truth.
But then again... She can be a sly bitch when she wants to be. Probably enjoys being in the loop, having secrets...
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Found a loophole did we?
OMFG I know when I said no cybersex, I mentioned her touching herself... But when I asked her not to, I didn't mean she was still allowed to tell (the other woman) what to do to herself... Or what she is 'doing' to her.... Talk her through masturbation.... Thats still cybersex/phone sex... Its still infidelity... "I'm fucking you harder and faster...."
Even when we weren't having problems she would never do that sort of thing with me...
I can hear her dominating her, teasing her...
For fucks sake...
So yeah, another day, another piece of evidence... More fuel to help me believe that she is not taking me, us, our relationship seriously....
I wish she would just end it already... Let me end it...
She told me the other day that if I wanted to have cybersex in SL, she wouldn't mind, as long as it was with some random stranger, not a friend, or anyone that I have known for a while...lol...
Apparently that was her way of showing that the internet is different, that she considers it different.
So, she can have a full blown relationship, and I can have random cybersex for the sole purposes of relieving my sexual frustration. (which wouldn't work anyhow) How very generous.
Even when we weren't having problems she would never do that sort of thing with me...
I can hear her dominating her, teasing her...
For fucks sake...
So yeah, another day, another piece of evidence... More fuel to help me believe that she is not taking me, us, our relationship seriously....
I wish she would just end it already... Let me end it...
She told me the other day that if I wanted to have cybersex in SL, she wouldn't mind, as long as it was with some random stranger, not a friend, or anyone that I have known for a while...lol...
Apparently that was her way of showing that the internet is different, that she considers it different.
So, she can have a full blown relationship, and I can have random cybersex for the sole purposes of relieving my sexual frustration. (which wouldn't work anyhow) How very generous.
Has anything changed?
Ok so... As the previous post told, yesterday I got her to admit to having cybersex... Along with a lot of excuses, of course....
What actually spurred me to force the issue is the fact that she is making herself sick over it all... Her throat is constantly sore from lying all the time, her self esteem, self image is absolutely disgusting, to the point where she is watching "pro ana" videos (promoting anorexia- videos with photos and inspiring words to encourage you to starve yourself).
The guilt is driving her crazy and it is so sad.... I may be angry and hurt by her behaviour... But to see her torturing herself that way isn't very pleasant.
She is essentially an honest person... Manipulative and controlling, yes... But she's never lied so much and the guilt is literally making her ill, mentally and physically.
After the cybersex issue was out in the open... She woke up the next morning and felt like she't lost 5kg or so... Just as an example of the direct result to her self image after releasing that one lie.
But there are more lies she still will not admit to.
About having told (the other woman) that she is going to leave me (but can't yet), etc etc....
I even said to her, last night, if she thinks she will be happier with (the other woman), maybe she should be with her. I practically tried to convince her!
I said... You need someone strong, stubborn... Someone who will make you help yourself... I'm not strong enough to do that, I let you walk over me I tell you that if you want to change, you need to put some effort in, but I don't make you do it.
She did say that she 'doesn't know what to do about her'.
That she understands (the other woman) so well, helps her so much... But she's always so cranky... But (the other woman) might not understand her so much...
But even after that, she wouldn't admit to planning to leave me, except that they do 'what ifs' and role-play.
So the very next morning, I figure it might be interesting to see if anything has changed... See if she even tries to tell (the other woman) that things have to change, that she wants to work out our relationship... See if she stops talking to her about their future together... etc....
the first thing of interest that I could hear clearly (because she got quite agitated and therefore louder), was a discussion about (our foster daughter).
"maybe halfway through the week I'd ring up and see how she's...."
"I don't have to its just..."
"I don't, I feel obligated, I feel obligated ok?"
"its not like... a real mother/daughter bond or anything its..."
"its not like that its just... I feel obligated thats all it is and I'm sure it'll go away"
"no I don't have to thats fine, its just... What?"
"no, I don't... I feel obligated to (talk to?) (our foster daughter) not (me).... No, I do... it is (our foster daughter)"
"..... hun we just won't have her on weekends... I'll just go and see her, pick her up and take her somewhere.. for two hours.... and take her back."
If she is saying there, what I think she is saying? That is really quite depressing... We've known this child her entire 4 years of life, she has been fully in our care for 2 years... And she's willing to give her up like that? Surely it has occured to her that our breakup might destroy the chances of adopting her anyway? Her parents would be horrified to never/rarely see this child, they have totally taken her in as their grandchild. Not that I, if I had her, would stop them from seeing her as long as they were ok with me. I consider them family, myself.
It sounds like (the other woman) is forcing her into it, because she never wants her to see me, or have anything to do with me, no connection at all... Which might explain why she ignored the letter in which I said if she continues to lie to me we will not be able to be friends.
Although when I asked yesterday if she read it properly she said no, she was too angry (because I was accusing her of lying).
So.. That was a bit concerning... What next?
The next part seemed to be her trying to explain (again) why nothing has changed- why she hasn't left me yet.
It is hard to understand most of the words (but can get the drift in context) because she is mumbling a bit... Probably heard a noise and is worried that I'm listening... But I did hear, amongst other things
"I understand that but.. its unavoidable... how, how is it avoidable?"
"....she knows..... its been like this two years.... she knows that... She's not stupid... we've been having trouble 2 years...."
"you should be happy that its like that not... annoyed... or... confused... its a good thing, not a bad thing..."
And something about having spoken to her mother about moving in with them if we break up... but she's waiting for their new house to finish being built
Which I've been waiting to hear something about as I heard this was her plan from a friend... I knew it had to come up sometime soon in their conversation because they've had delays with the house.. Its not going to be finished in february as expected... They're not sure how long it will be...
I saw the look on her face when she heard that... She took a deep breath, her eyes bulged a little and she locked her fingers and stretched them back while exhaling... It bothered her much more than it should have...
She must have seen me looking at her because she said later "i hope mom and dads house is finished before (the other woman) gets here so she can stay with them" (obviously I don't want her in our house and from what I hear of her opinion of me, she wouldn't want to be here either).
So whatya think about that?
What actually spurred me to force the issue is the fact that she is making herself sick over it all... Her throat is constantly sore from lying all the time, her self esteem, self image is absolutely disgusting, to the point where she is watching "pro ana" videos (promoting anorexia- videos with photos and inspiring words to encourage you to starve yourself).
The guilt is driving her crazy and it is so sad.... I may be angry and hurt by her behaviour... But to see her torturing herself that way isn't very pleasant.
She is essentially an honest person... Manipulative and controlling, yes... But she's never lied so much and the guilt is literally making her ill, mentally and physically.
After the cybersex issue was out in the open... She woke up the next morning and felt like she't lost 5kg or so... Just as an example of the direct result to her self image after releasing that one lie.
But there are more lies she still will not admit to.
About having told (the other woman) that she is going to leave me (but can't yet), etc etc....
I even said to her, last night, if she thinks she will be happier with (the other woman), maybe she should be with her. I practically tried to convince her!
I said... You need someone strong, stubborn... Someone who will make you help yourself... I'm not strong enough to do that, I let you walk over me I tell you that if you want to change, you need to put some effort in, but I don't make you do it.
She did say that she 'doesn't know what to do about her'.
That she understands (the other woman) so well, helps her so much... But she's always so cranky... But (the other woman) might not understand her so much...
But even after that, she wouldn't admit to planning to leave me, except that they do 'what ifs' and role-play.
So the very next morning, I figure it might be interesting to see if anything has changed... See if she even tries to tell (the other woman) that things have to change, that she wants to work out our relationship... See if she stops talking to her about their future together... etc....
the first thing of interest that I could hear clearly (because she got quite agitated and therefore louder), was a discussion about (our foster daughter).
"maybe halfway through the week I'd ring up and see how she's...."
"I don't have to its just..."
"I don't, I feel obligated, I feel obligated ok?"
"its not like... a real mother/daughter bond or anything its..."
"its not like that its just... I feel obligated thats all it is and I'm sure it'll go away"
"no I don't have to thats fine, its just... What?"
"no, I don't... I feel obligated to (talk to?) (our foster daughter) not (me).... No, I do... it is (our foster daughter)"
"..... hun we just won't have her on weekends... I'll just go and see her, pick her up and take her somewhere.. for two hours.... and take her back."
If she is saying there, what I think she is saying? That is really quite depressing... We've known this child her entire 4 years of life, she has been fully in our care for 2 years... And she's willing to give her up like that? Surely it has occured to her that our breakup might destroy the chances of adopting her anyway? Her parents would be horrified to never/rarely see this child, they have totally taken her in as their grandchild. Not that I, if I had her, would stop them from seeing her as long as they were ok with me. I consider them family, myself.
It sounds like (the other woman) is forcing her into it, because she never wants her to see me, or have anything to do with me, no connection at all... Which might explain why she ignored the letter in which I said if she continues to lie to me we will not be able to be friends.
Although when I asked yesterday if she read it properly she said no, she was too angry (because I was accusing her of lying).
So.. That was a bit concerning... What next?
The next part seemed to be her trying to explain (again) why nothing has changed- why she hasn't left me yet.
It is hard to understand most of the words (but can get the drift in context) because she is mumbling a bit... Probably heard a noise and is worried that I'm listening... But I did hear, amongst other things
"I understand that but.. its unavoidable... how, how is it avoidable?"
"....she knows..... its been like this two years.... she knows that... She's not stupid... we've been having trouble 2 years...."
"you should be happy that its like that not... annoyed... or... confused... its a good thing, not a bad thing..."
And something about having spoken to her mother about moving in with them if we break up... but she's waiting for their new house to finish being built
Which I've been waiting to hear something about as I heard this was her plan from a friend... I knew it had to come up sometime soon in their conversation because they've had delays with the house.. Its not going to be finished in february as expected... They're not sure how long it will be...
I saw the look on her face when she heard that... She took a deep breath, her eyes bulged a little and she locked her fingers and stretched them back while exhaling... It bothered her much more than it should have...
She must have seen me looking at her because she said later "i hope mom and dads house is finished before (the other woman) gets here so she can stay with them" (obviously I don't want her in our house and from what I hear of her opinion of me, she wouldn't want to be here either).
So whatya think about that?
Saturday, January 24, 2009
A Taste of Honesty
So... I finally made her admit to having cybersex.
Well it took me saying "I know, and don't even try denying it because I know, that you have been having cybersex... In voice... With at least her cam on."
I didn't tell her how I know... I think she assumes I listen at the door.
She still claims that she wants to be with me, that nothing will happen between them... That her feelings for her are purely felt by "that other person" that she apparently is online.
Realises that I have always said I will forgive a lot... But cheating is the one thing I have always said I can never forgive. But she doesn't consider it cheating because it is online, etc etc... Its not real etc etc... they don't even connect, theres no intimacy... Well there hasn't been for us for years either!
She did say she will not do that anymore. Of course I said I can't trust her anymore, because she did it, and lied about it in the first place...
She says I'll just have to wait till (the other woman) has been and gone and when nothing happens I should be able to start trusting her again.
Points out that I have done things that have hurt her, broken her trust in the past (all within the 1st 6 months of our relationship, with 1 more recent exception which was a direct result of her cheating on me online).
I don't know how she can compare those things to cheating... Cheating is to me, the worst thing you can do in a relationship.
I don't think having trouble breaking a mild drug (marijuana) and alcohol habit, and lying about it, within the 1st 6 months of a relationship, really compared to cheating almost 6 years into a relationship.
But maybe thats just me.
So she is telling me don't throw away almost 6 years just like that blah blah... Just wait until march and I will see that she wouldn't do that to me...
I want to believe her... But I don't.
I've heard too much to contradict it...
I cannot accept that all the plans she has spoken to her about, all the time she spends reassuring (the other woman) that she will leave me, but can't yet because she needs me to... Drive her places, etc.. are 'role playing' and 'what ifs'...
I would be a fool to believe that.
It may even be role-playing on one side... But (the other woman) obviously needs that reassurance for real.
Stupid thing is, when I originally tried to break up with her, I told her we could continue to live together, while we each sort our shit out, that we could be adults about it... But she still insists on trying to make it work.
This is the one thing that makes me believe she hasn't fully made up her mind yet.
She doesn't want to, in case it turns out that (the other woman) can't deal with her shit, her anxiety, depression.... She told me last night she spends most of her time helping (the other woman) with HER issues... Controlling, anxiety.... So when is she going to get her attention? Who is going to look after her?
I have some new stuff... Working through it now, there will be a new post within 24hrs.
Amazing, she almost had me believing her... I know she has problems, that is true... But even if you can't control your feelings, even if you can't control your emotions and urges... You ALWAYS have an option not to act on them.
She knew I would never forgive cheating, she knew I included cybersex.
But she made the choice to do it anyway.
She cannot say it doesn't feel like her, when she's online... That doesn't make it ok, even if its true. Because when it comes to the crunch... It is her brain making the decision to cheat, and the "real" her is in on that decision.
I made a new recording, the morning after this... discussion... That is what I am listening to now.
I wanted to know if she changed her behaviour with (the other woman) or said anything to her about it.. Because I said to her you are having a relationship and it has to stop... Even if it is one sided, you have to stop encouraging it.
Well I'm not done yet... But I know she's still encouraging it..
Stay tuned....
Well it took me saying "I know, and don't even try denying it because I know, that you have been having cybersex... In voice... With at least her cam on."
I didn't tell her how I know... I think she assumes I listen at the door.
She still claims that she wants to be with me, that nothing will happen between them... That her feelings for her are purely felt by "that other person" that she apparently is online.
Realises that I have always said I will forgive a lot... But cheating is the one thing I have always said I can never forgive. But she doesn't consider it cheating because it is online, etc etc... Its not real etc etc... they don't even connect, theres no intimacy... Well there hasn't been for us for years either!
She did say she will not do that anymore. Of course I said I can't trust her anymore, because she did it, and lied about it in the first place...
She says I'll just have to wait till (the other woman) has been and gone and when nothing happens I should be able to start trusting her again.
Points out that I have done things that have hurt her, broken her trust in the past (all within the 1st 6 months of our relationship, with 1 more recent exception which was a direct result of her cheating on me online).
I don't know how she can compare those things to cheating... Cheating is to me, the worst thing you can do in a relationship.
I don't think having trouble breaking a mild drug (marijuana) and alcohol habit, and lying about it, within the 1st 6 months of a relationship, really compared to cheating almost 6 years into a relationship.
But maybe thats just me.
So she is telling me don't throw away almost 6 years just like that blah blah... Just wait until march and I will see that she wouldn't do that to me...
I want to believe her... But I don't.
I've heard too much to contradict it...
I cannot accept that all the plans she has spoken to her about, all the time she spends reassuring (the other woman) that she will leave me, but can't yet because she needs me to... Drive her places, etc.. are 'role playing' and 'what ifs'...
I would be a fool to believe that.
It may even be role-playing on one side... But (the other woman) obviously needs that reassurance for real.
Stupid thing is, when I originally tried to break up with her, I told her we could continue to live together, while we each sort our shit out, that we could be adults about it... But she still insists on trying to make it work.
This is the one thing that makes me believe she hasn't fully made up her mind yet.
She doesn't want to, in case it turns out that (the other woman) can't deal with her shit, her anxiety, depression.... She told me last night she spends most of her time helping (the other woman) with HER issues... Controlling, anxiety.... So when is she going to get her attention? Who is going to look after her?
I have some new stuff... Working through it now, there will be a new post within 24hrs.
Amazing, she almost had me believing her... I know she has problems, that is true... But even if you can't control your feelings, even if you can't control your emotions and urges... You ALWAYS have an option not to act on them.
She knew I would never forgive cheating, she knew I included cybersex.
But she made the choice to do it anyway.
She cannot say it doesn't feel like her, when she's online... That doesn't make it ok, even if its true. Because when it comes to the crunch... It is her brain making the decision to cheat, and the "real" her is in on that decision.
I made a new recording, the morning after this... discussion... That is what I am listening to now.
I wanted to know if she changed her behaviour with (the other woman) or said anything to her about it.. Because I said to her you are having a relationship and it has to stop... Even if it is one sided, you have to stop encouraging it.
Well I'm not done yet... But I know she's still encouraging it..
Stay tuned....
Friday, January 23, 2009
The Eagles - Lyin Eyes (Lyrics)
This song just seems so right for the situation at the moment...
obviously not some of the details... But the meaning... The feelings...
The Eagles - Lyin eyes
City girls just seem to find out early
How to open doors with just a smile
A rich old man
And she won't have to worry
She'll dress up all in lace and go in style
Late at night a big old house gets lonely
I guess every form of refuge has its price
And it breaks her heart to think her love is only
Given to a man with hands as cold as ice
So she tells him she must go out for the evening
To comfort an old friend who's feelin' down
But he knows where she's goin' as she's leavin'
She is headed for the cheatin' side of town
You can't hide your lyin' eyes
And your smile is a thin disguise
I thought by now you'd realize
There ain't no way to hide your lyin eyes
On the other side of town a boy is waiting
With fiery eyes and dreams no one could steal
She drives on through the night anticipating
'Cause he makes her feel the way she used to feel
She rushes to his arms,
They fall together
She whispers that it's only for awhile
She swears that soon she'll be comin' back forever
She pulls away and leaves him with a smile
You can't hide your lyin' eyes
And your smile is a thin disguise
I thought by now you'd realize
There ain't now way to hide you lyin' eyes
She gets up and pours herself a strong one
And stares out at the stars up in the sky
Another night, it's gonna be a long one
She draws the shade and hangs her head to cry
She wonders how it ever got this crazy
She thinks about a boy she knew in school
Did she get tired or did she just get lazy?
She's so far gone she feels just like a fool
My, oh my, you sure know how to arrange things
You set it up so well, so carefully
Ain't it funny how your new life didn't change things
You're still the same old girl you used to be
You can't hide your lyin' eyes
And your smile is a thin disguise
I thought by now you'd realize
There ain't no way to hide your lyin' eyes
There ain't no way to hide your lyin' eyes
Honey, you can't hide your lyin' eyes
obviously not some of the details... But the meaning... The feelings...
The Eagles - Lyin eyes
City girls just seem to find out early
How to open doors with just a smile
A rich old man
And she won't have to worry
She'll dress up all in lace and go in style
Late at night a big old house gets lonely
I guess every form of refuge has its price
And it breaks her heart to think her love is only
Given to a man with hands as cold as ice
So she tells him she must go out for the evening
To comfort an old friend who's feelin' down
But he knows where she's goin' as she's leavin'
She is headed for the cheatin' side of town
You can't hide your lyin' eyes
And your smile is a thin disguise
I thought by now you'd realize
There ain't no way to hide your lyin eyes
On the other side of town a boy is waiting
With fiery eyes and dreams no one could steal
She drives on through the night anticipating
'Cause he makes her feel the way she used to feel
She rushes to his arms,
They fall together
She whispers that it's only for awhile
She swears that soon she'll be comin' back forever
She pulls away and leaves him with a smile
You can't hide your lyin' eyes
And your smile is a thin disguise
I thought by now you'd realize
There ain't now way to hide you lyin' eyes
She gets up and pours herself a strong one
And stares out at the stars up in the sky
Another night, it's gonna be a long one
She draws the shade and hangs her head to cry
She wonders how it ever got this crazy
She thinks about a boy she knew in school
Did she get tired or did she just get lazy?
She's so far gone she feels just like a fool
My, oh my, you sure know how to arrange things
You set it up so well, so carefully
Ain't it funny how your new life didn't change things
You're still the same old girl you used to be
You can't hide your lyin' eyes
And your smile is a thin disguise
I thought by now you'd realize
There ain't no way to hide your lyin' eyes
There ain't no way to hide your lyin' eyes
Honey, you can't hide your lyin' eyes
Thursday, January 22, 2009
The Nightmare
I just had a nightmare... I had insomnia, till like 3am, and then when i finally do get to sleep, I have a nightmare. Lovely.
Now its 4:30am..
I dreamt that people were visiting.. I think the friends who told me she was planning on leaving me were there, and some other friends, sonyas friends mainly i think.. but im not sure..
This part is hard to remember, but I know I was confused because She was very hard to track down, every time i went somewhere she'd just been/gone she wasn't there anymore...
But I knew she was talking to people, the people visiting...
Then some more people, some of my family show up unexpectedly, like my brother, and its getting quite crowded, my brother is trying to talk to me but I'm looking for Her... and Her mum and some other people show up... And I'm still looking for Her..
Then I catch a glimpse of (the other woman).. I think.. I'm not sure, I follow.. I look in our bedroom and theres a shape laying on the bed and its not Her, the shape throws a blanket over herself.. I'm like WTF? and I keep looking for Her...
eventually I see Her and her mum, with a big suitcase and a few other bags.. headed for a car and I call out, im starting to panic, I run and she runs away and throws the suitcase in and runs around me back to the house..
I look in the bedroom again but no one is there now, so I keep rushing about and then I go outside and I see (the other woman), and I'm totally shocked and I start walking towards her, she sees me and cries out and starts running, so I run after her.
She has a friend with her, who is running too, saying does she have the gun? no get the gun get the gun!
(in the dream apparently I/we had a handgun)
She reached up on top of the meter box as she ran past and grabbed the gun that sonya must have hidden there from me and pointed it at me, walking back towards me yelling something, that I better stop or something...
I stop, a meter or two away, looking at her with the gun she looks scared as hell... I'm like what the fuck? what are you doing here whats going on?
And I wouldn't have fucking shot you, why bother hiding the gun why not just take the bullets out? I laughed a little here, kinda hysterical, she took the bullets out, she said something about just wanting to be with Her... and I said me too...
and then I was looking for Her again...
When I found her I said.. how could you do this to me, lie and cheat and run off, string me along for so long... She said this has been going on for 18 months..
I said I hope Karma bites you in the ass, I hope it happens to you, so you know how I feel!
And she said... "But its not my fault, its yours"
Then I woke up, to the sound of her typing, and left the room.
I told her about it, halfway through writing this she came out for breakfast... she behaved somewhat sympathetic (when I cried) but at the same time, as if it was a bit silly, and told me to go back to sleep please(on the couch)
Now its 4:30am..
I dreamt that people were visiting.. I think the friends who told me she was planning on leaving me were there, and some other friends, sonyas friends mainly i think.. but im not sure..
This part is hard to remember, but I know I was confused because She was very hard to track down, every time i went somewhere she'd just been/gone she wasn't there anymore...
But I knew she was talking to people, the people visiting...
Then some more people, some of my family show up unexpectedly, like my brother, and its getting quite crowded, my brother is trying to talk to me but I'm looking for Her... and Her mum and some other people show up... And I'm still looking for Her..
Then I catch a glimpse of (the other woman).. I think.. I'm not sure, I follow.. I look in our bedroom and theres a shape laying on the bed and its not Her, the shape throws a blanket over herself.. I'm like WTF? and I keep looking for Her...
eventually I see Her and her mum, with a big suitcase and a few other bags.. headed for a car and I call out, im starting to panic, I run and she runs away and throws the suitcase in and runs around me back to the house..
I look in the bedroom again but no one is there now, so I keep rushing about and then I go outside and I see (the other woman), and I'm totally shocked and I start walking towards her, she sees me and cries out and starts running, so I run after her.
She has a friend with her, who is running too, saying does she have the gun? no get the gun get the gun!
(in the dream apparently I/we had a handgun)
She reached up on top of the meter box as she ran past and grabbed the gun that sonya must have hidden there from me and pointed it at me, walking back towards me yelling something, that I better stop or something...
I stop, a meter or two away, looking at her with the gun she looks scared as hell... I'm like what the fuck? what are you doing here whats going on?
And I wouldn't have fucking shot you, why bother hiding the gun why not just take the bullets out? I laughed a little here, kinda hysterical, she took the bullets out, she said something about just wanting to be with Her... and I said me too...
and then I was looking for Her again...
When I found her I said.. how could you do this to me, lie and cheat and run off, string me along for so long... She said this has been going on for 18 months..
I said I hope Karma bites you in the ass, I hope it happens to you, so you know how I feel!
And she said... "But its not my fault, its yours"
Then I woke up, to the sound of her typing, and left the room.
I told her about it, halfway through writing this she came out for breakfast... she behaved somewhat sympathetic (when I cried) but at the same time, as if it was a bit silly, and told me to go back to sleep please(on the couch)
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Trying to get me outta the house?
We've not had any major fights the last 2 days... Little tiffs but nothing major... Because I havn't had a go at her or tried to get her to admit to lying...
I want to see what happens if I act like I'm like... Less stressed about it.. as if I trust her more... Its quite difficult lol, so many times I want to say something...
Seems she has to reassure her all the time, (the other woman) wants her to leave me, and she tells her she will, but can't yet... Because she needs me to drive her places and stuff...
After listening to that, I went outside to have a smoke and nearly threw up.
So unless she's lying to her, she really is just using me... I can't believe how easily she fakes affection... I mean when we are around family or friends, she puts her arm around me etc...
Thats so sick.. How could you fake affection like that? Omg...
She wants me to get a job with more hours, tells me its because we need more money, that maybe the reason we're having trouble is stress over money and because she is not used to me being around so much (my hours have reduced due to economy)
The morning before we had that conversation, she was reassuring (the other woman) that I am not around all the time... So I can only assume she was trying to get me to work more...So that I wasn't around so much... Tried to get me to apply for a job the other day that would have me out of the house in the early mornings and evenings, which is when they talk and have sex... Now I know why she got so pissy when I said no.
I was asleep when they were talking this morning, on the couch because she kicked me out of bed as usual at 4:30am (because she didn't want me to be waking up all the time because of her talking, apparently).. So she wasn't being overly careful.
But of course I'm not going to let a little thing like being asleep stop me from listening...
She was looking at jobs for herself today... But gave herself away by being overly concerned about the times she would be working and whether she could use chat programs etc while she was there.
I want to see what happens if I act like I'm like... Less stressed about it.. as if I trust her more... Its quite difficult lol, so many times I want to say something...
Seems she has to reassure her all the time, (the other woman) wants her to leave me, and she tells her she will, but can't yet... Because she needs me to drive her places and stuff...
After listening to that, I went outside to have a smoke and nearly threw up.
So unless she's lying to her, she really is just using me... I can't believe how easily she fakes affection... I mean when we are around family or friends, she puts her arm around me etc...
Thats so sick.. How could you fake affection like that? Omg...
She wants me to get a job with more hours, tells me its because we need more money, that maybe the reason we're having trouble is stress over money and because she is not used to me being around so much (my hours have reduced due to economy)
The morning before we had that conversation, she was reassuring (the other woman) that I am not around all the time... So I can only assume she was trying to get me to work more...So that I wasn't around so much... Tried to get me to apply for a job the other day that would have me out of the house in the early mornings and evenings, which is when they talk and have sex... Now I know why she got so pissy when I said no.
I was asleep when they were talking this morning, on the couch because she kicked me out of bed as usual at 4:30am (because she didn't want me to be waking up all the time because of her talking, apparently).. So she wasn't being overly careful.
But of course I'm not going to let a little thing like being asleep stop me from listening...
She was looking at jobs for herself today... But gave herself away by being overly concerned about the times she would be working and whether she could use chat programs etc while she was there.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
damnit
Damnit I have to work today.... I would really prefer not to... I hate the thought that she doesn't even have to try to be quiet, if I am not here...
Imagine what I'm gonna miss....
Imagine what I'm gonna miss....
She's still fucking her...
Well this morning I was wondering if anything had changed..
I mean we've fought, we've talked... We agreed to take a 'break' during which we are still officially together, are not avaliable (for relationships or sex), still live together and if we happen to come across a moment when we want to have sex (with each other... not other people, obviously) thats ok...
So here I am thinking, maybe she is serious, maybe she has got feelings for me again, maybe she is attracted to me again... Maybe she'll stop cyberfucking that pommy cunt and come to me for a change, goodness knows I need it... Mind you I don't know if I would be able to without throwing up on her.
So I did my little trick again...
At one point I tried to go into the room, and the door was locked... So I was a bit... Concerned...
Later she saw a comment on my profile on a website saying "the truth will set you free" and got all shitty at me "because some people might know what its about" and because it was obvious I still didn't believe her, so I tried to get her to admit it... again... No luck.
She's like... If I don't love you why am I still here? Are you trying to drive me away? Drive me to her? Of course I jumped on this... I said... For you to say that... Means you must think about it!
Which of course she denied furiously.. She carries on for a while... "why can't you just forget the past and focus on now, and the future?" I'm thinking... I am... the future you're planning without me....
I said now? Now you're not attracted to me, you never want to touch me (etc)
To which she asked "when have I said that?" I told her it was in her body language... She insists that she is attracted to me so I mustn't be able to read body language. I said well it would be nice if you showed me... If you acted like you wanted to make love to me.. If you tried... That would help me trust you.
She insists that she has been affectionate, but hasn't wanted to make love because she feels uncomfortable because we have been fighting so much. asks if we can stop fighting now, and keep trying to make things work...
She was so vehement about the attraction thing that I apologised and said I would try...
So... We finished the fight, lay on the couch to watch some DVDs... She halfheartedly encourages my hand to touch her... Only in the most 'important' place of course...
So I did, a little... But I could sense that she wasn't truly interested... She wasn't looking at me, wasn't really responding, just rubbing my head as if that would make me believe she wanted me to go further... Just to test... I asked if she wanted to go watch something in the bedroom.. hint hint.. nudge nudge, y'know... She kinda shrugged "I don't mind" I took that as a no.
I stood over her and kissed her... t'was like kissing a warmed up corpse... no arousal in those lips...
I couldn't do more because the child was in and out of the room... But I didn't really want to anyway. If she's not interested... It makes me feel dirty.
And she was showing no real interest in wanting to touch me.. She had plenty of opportunity when I tried kissing her.
I havn't had sex that didn't feel dirty, where I didn't feel used, or where I actually left physically satisfied for over 2 years. Its probably been more like 3 1/2 years since she used anything but her hand... Which she knows doesn't satisfy me as much as... Well, anyway, on with the 'story'
So... This evening... I examine my new evidence...
I actually had a little hope, because what had happened earlier..
I hear them talking about how she can get dual citizenship because her father was born there, she even came out and got her birth certificate, (because she needs to get ID, she tells me,) to check his place of birth etc...
Blah blah blah...
Then I hear her get up and close the windows, and say something about me listening at the door... (she smelt smoke come through the window yesterday and accused me of eavesdropping... got something to hide huh?)
Then I hear some heavy breathing... She is trying to be quiet.. the occasional mumbled word... A little louder... "you owe me one of those... remember, I asked you to move the camera down further once, and you finally did, and you promised me you would do it again......... mmmyeaaah........(a bit I can't understand).... you're the best (something) I ever had......."
Then, I hear the door... This is when I tried to go in, but it was locked...
I think I spoilt the mood LOL
So, before we even had that fight... She tried to fuck her.. and maybe she was a little frustrated because they were interrupted, and thats why she halfheartedly encouraged me to touch her... Did she think maybe I should make up for it? lol...
I mean we've fought, we've talked... We agreed to take a 'break' during which we are still officially together, are not avaliable (for relationships or sex), still live together and if we happen to come across a moment when we want to have sex (with each other... not other people, obviously) thats ok...
So here I am thinking, maybe she is serious, maybe she has got feelings for me again, maybe she is attracted to me again... Maybe she'll stop cyberfucking that pommy cunt and come to me for a change, goodness knows I need it... Mind you I don't know if I would be able to without throwing up on her.
So I did my little trick again...
At one point I tried to go into the room, and the door was locked... So I was a bit... Concerned...
Later she saw a comment on my profile on a website saying "the truth will set you free" and got all shitty at me "because some people might know what its about" and because it was obvious I still didn't believe her, so I tried to get her to admit it... again... No luck.
She's like... If I don't love you why am I still here? Are you trying to drive me away? Drive me to her? Of course I jumped on this... I said... For you to say that... Means you must think about it!
Which of course she denied furiously.. She carries on for a while... "why can't you just forget the past and focus on now, and the future?" I'm thinking... I am... the future you're planning without me....
I said now? Now you're not attracted to me, you never want to touch me (etc)
To which she asked "when have I said that?" I told her it was in her body language... She insists that she is attracted to me so I mustn't be able to read body language. I said well it would be nice if you showed me... If you acted like you wanted to make love to me.. If you tried... That would help me trust you.
She insists that she has been affectionate, but hasn't wanted to make love because she feels uncomfortable because we have been fighting so much. asks if we can stop fighting now, and keep trying to make things work...
She was so vehement about the attraction thing that I apologised and said I would try...
So... We finished the fight, lay on the couch to watch some DVDs... She halfheartedly encourages my hand to touch her... Only in the most 'important' place of course...
So I did, a little... But I could sense that she wasn't truly interested... She wasn't looking at me, wasn't really responding, just rubbing my head as if that would make me believe she wanted me to go further... Just to test... I asked if she wanted to go watch something in the bedroom.. hint hint.. nudge nudge, y'know... She kinda shrugged "I don't mind" I took that as a no.
I stood over her and kissed her... t'was like kissing a warmed up corpse... no arousal in those lips...
I couldn't do more because the child was in and out of the room... But I didn't really want to anyway. If she's not interested... It makes me feel dirty.
And she was showing no real interest in wanting to touch me.. She had plenty of opportunity when I tried kissing her.
I havn't had sex that didn't feel dirty, where I didn't feel used, or where I actually left physically satisfied for over 2 years. Its probably been more like 3 1/2 years since she used anything but her hand... Which she knows doesn't satisfy me as much as... Well, anyway, on with the 'story'
So... This evening... I examine my new evidence...
I actually had a little hope, because what had happened earlier..
I hear them talking about how she can get dual citizenship because her father was born there, she even came out and got her birth certificate, (because she needs to get ID, she tells me,) to check his place of birth etc...
Blah blah blah...
Then I hear her get up and close the windows, and say something about me listening at the door... (she smelt smoke come through the window yesterday and accused me of eavesdropping... got something to hide huh?)
Then I hear some heavy breathing... She is trying to be quiet.. the occasional mumbled word... A little louder... "you owe me one of those... remember, I asked you to move the camera down further once, and you finally did, and you promised me you would do it again......... mmmyeaaah........(a bit I can't understand).... you're the best (something) I ever had......."
Then, I hear the door... This is when I tried to go in, but it was locked...
I think I spoilt the mood LOL
So, before we even had that fight... She tried to fuck her.. and maybe she was a little frustrated because they were interrupted, and thats why she halfheartedly encouraged me to touch her... Did she think maybe I should make up for it? lol...
Monday, January 19, 2009
To leave or not to leave?
I'm having second thoughts but I'm not sure why... Part of me wants to get it over with, show her that I know about her lies and end it...
But part of me wants to give her another chance.
I think we've had at least one fight every day about this crap, because I want her to tell me the truth, tell me the things she's hiding from me.. And I don't want her to meet a woman who is in love with her and stay in a hotel with her....
She keeps saying she is not lying and why can't we just work on our relationship like we have talked about.. getting our friendship back which we lost along the way somewhere... Get close again...
Problem is I don't know if its even possible.. I don't want to keep living like we have been... I don't want the constant fear that she's going to leave me for someone else...
I don't want to be the only one trying to make up for past mistakes... Problem is, she won't admit she has made mistakes... She won't do anything to mend those mistakes...
She blames her mistakes on anxiety, depression, and me...
A problem with the internet?
Can't help it?
Nah, that doesn't fly with me.
Sure you can escape on the internet... Be a different person... I understand that.. But there is no need to have relationships and if what you are doing is hurting someone you truly care for...
You should stop.
And if you form feelings for another person, you don't have to act on them... If someone else forms feelings for you... You should not encourage them to the point where they want to be with you in RL.
If you want to act on them, for goodness sakes don't do it while you are already in a relationship! It hurts more people than you might realise, in the long run.
But part of me wants to give her another chance.
I think we've had at least one fight every day about this crap, because I want her to tell me the truth, tell me the things she's hiding from me.. And I don't want her to meet a woman who is in love with her and stay in a hotel with her....
She keeps saying she is not lying and why can't we just work on our relationship like we have talked about.. getting our friendship back which we lost along the way somewhere... Get close again...
Problem is I don't know if its even possible.. I don't want to keep living like we have been... I don't want the constant fear that she's going to leave me for someone else...
I don't want to be the only one trying to make up for past mistakes... Problem is, she won't admit she has made mistakes... She won't do anything to mend those mistakes...
She blames her mistakes on anxiety, depression, and me...
A problem with the internet?
Can't help it?
Nah, that doesn't fly with me.
Sure you can escape on the internet... Be a different person... I understand that.. But there is no need to have relationships and if what you are doing is hurting someone you truly care for...
You should stop.
And if you form feelings for another person, you don't have to act on them... If someone else forms feelings for you... You should not encourage them to the point where they want to be with you in RL.
If you want to act on them, for goodness sakes don't do it while you are already in a relationship! It hurts more people than you might realise, in the long run.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Bon Jovi- Hearts Breaking Even (lyrics)
Its been a cold, cold, cold, cold night, tonight
And I cant get you off of my mind
God knows Ive tried
Did I throw away the best part of my life
When I cut you off
Did I cut myself with the same damn knife
Hide my tears in the pouring rain
Had my share of hurt and pain
Dont say my name, run away, cause its all in vain
My hearts breaking even, now theres no use we even try
Hey I cried, yeah I lied, hell I almost died
Dont got a reason
Lets just fold the cards and say good-bye
Its all right, just two hearts breaking even tonight
Its been a long, long, long, long time
Since Ive had your love here in my hands
We didnt understand it, we couldnt understand it
But, nothings fair in love and hate
You lay it all down and walk away, before its too late
We danced all night as the music played
The sheets got tangled in the mess we made
There in the stains, we remain
No one left to blame
My hearts breaking even, now theres no use we even try
Hey I cried, yeah I lied, hell I almost died
Dont got a reason
Lets just fold the cards and say good-bye
Its all right, just two hearts breaking even tonight
Go on, get on with your life
Yeah - Ill get on with mine
Broken hearts cant call the cops
Yeah - its a perfect crime
Twisting and turning the night keeps me yearning
Im burning alive
Im paying the price again
But Ill see the light again
My hearts breaking even, now theres no use we even try
Hey I cried, yeah I lied, hell I almost died
Dont got a reason
Lets just fold the cards and say good-bye
Its all right, just two hearts breaking even tonight
And I cant get you off of my mind
God knows Ive tried
Did I throw away the best part of my life
When I cut you off
Did I cut myself with the same damn knife
Hide my tears in the pouring rain
Had my share of hurt and pain
Dont say my name, run away, cause its all in vain
My hearts breaking even, now theres no use we even try
Hey I cried, yeah I lied, hell I almost died
Dont got a reason
Lets just fold the cards and say good-bye
Its all right, just two hearts breaking even tonight
Its been a long, long, long, long time
Since Ive had your love here in my hands
We didnt understand it, we couldnt understand it
But, nothings fair in love and hate
You lay it all down and walk away, before its too late
We danced all night as the music played
The sheets got tangled in the mess we made
There in the stains, we remain
No one left to blame
My hearts breaking even, now theres no use we even try
Hey I cried, yeah I lied, hell I almost died
Dont got a reason
Lets just fold the cards and say good-bye
Its all right, just two hearts breaking even tonight
Go on, get on with your life
Yeah - Ill get on with mine
Broken hearts cant call the cops
Yeah - its a perfect crime
Twisting and turning the night keeps me yearning
Im burning alive
Im paying the price again
But Ill see the light again
My hearts breaking even, now theres no use we even try
Hey I cried, yeah I lied, hell I almost died
Dont got a reason
Lets just fold the cards and say good-bye
Its all right, just two hearts breaking even tonight
I Think I Understand
I think I just figured out why my emotions have calmed... Why the sinking in my gut has backed off, mostly (comes back with certain thoughts). Why I can feel something close to peace.
I'm the sort of person who needs to understand things... I need to understand the motivation behind what people do.
If I understand something, I can deal with it better, and maybe help other people to deal with it.
If someone hurts me, or lies to me, I damn well want to know why.
I will go to great lengths to get that understanding. I'll sneak, spy, lie and use whatever means neccessary.
I've put myself through hell so many times in my life, in an attempt to understand what motivates certain people to do certain things.
In the process I've damaged my body and my mind, had my heart shattered, nearly killed myself, allowed myself to be mistreated and used....
Well, this has been a long and difficult path... But I understand why she is lying to me. That doesn't mean I approve of it, certainly not... But I understand... Which helps me.
She doesn't want to make the wrong choice. She is scared of making the wrong choice... Because then she might lose her power, her control.
She lies to me because if she told me the truth, she might lose control over me.
If she loses me, her safety net is gone... She would then have to fall until she landed in the next net, and being scared of heights, she might not make it, fear might take her before she gets there... Fear that the next net will break.
If she loses me now, she might be falling for two months before she lands in that net... But what if that net isn't strong enough to hold her?
If she hits that net and falls straight through... She's got no backup net, she would be flailing about, terrified, out of control, waiting for another net to appear beneath her.
She's too weak to deal with that... She can't be alone, she can't not have a net.
But I was willing to be more than a net, before this. I was a nice solid floor with a doormat to wipe her feet on..
I wasn't a perfect floor, I had a few cracks, and dangerous spots... But with some love and care... with some mending and maybe a bit of "caution, hazard" tape in places... I could have been there forever.
Unfortunately... She neglected me, didn't take care of me, expected me to be a good solid floor forever with no upkeep and no responsibility.... And I started to disintegrate.
The cracks got bigger, the dangerous spots, more dangerous and widespread...
She started to slip through the cracks, started setting up safety nets instead of trying to repair the floor... Started chiselling at the floor, making the cracks bigger, to hang those safety nets...
The floor has splintered into many pieces.
Finally she has realised that the floor can't take much more... So she's tried to tape it up... To make it last at least until she knows the next net will hold her... But tape isn't good enough.. thats like putting a bandaid on a severed limb (a metaphor within a metaphor? I know... way too much)
The floor can't handle the weight of her and the net together... One has to go.
She needs to either jump for the net and take her chances....
Or cut the net free, and work on repairing the floor... Mind you... theres no guarantee anymore, that the floor can still be repaired...
Thats one damn messed up floor.
I'm the sort of person who needs to understand things... I need to understand the motivation behind what people do.
If I understand something, I can deal with it better, and maybe help other people to deal with it.
If someone hurts me, or lies to me, I damn well want to know why.
I will go to great lengths to get that understanding. I'll sneak, spy, lie and use whatever means neccessary.
I've put myself through hell so many times in my life, in an attempt to understand what motivates certain people to do certain things.
In the process I've damaged my body and my mind, had my heart shattered, nearly killed myself, allowed myself to be mistreated and used....
Well, this has been a long and difficult path... But I understand why she is lying to me. That doesn't mean I approve of it, certainly not... But I understand... Which helps me.
She doesn't want to make the wrong choice. She is scared of making the wrong choice... Because then she might lose her power, her control.
She lies to me because if she told me the truth, she might lose control over me.
If she loses me, her safety net is gone... She would then have to fall until she landed in the next net, and being scared of heights, she might not make it, fear might take her before she gets there... Fear that the next net will break.
If she loses me now, she might be falling for two months before she lands in that net... But what if that net isn't strong enough to hold her?
If she hits that net and falls straight through... She's got no backup net, she would be flailing about, terrified, out of control, waiting for another net to appear beneath her.
She's too weak to deal with that... She can't be alone, she can't not have a net.
But I was willing to be more than a net, before this. I was a nice solid floor with a doormat to wipe her feet on..
I wasn't a perfect floor, I had a few cracks, and dangerous spots... But with some love and care... with some mending and maybe a bit of "caution, hazard" tape in places... I could have been there forever.
Unfortunately... She neglected me, didn't take care of me, expected me to be a good solid floor forever with no upkeep and no responsibility.... And I started to disintegrate.
The cracks got bigger, the dangerous spots, more dangerous and widespread...
She started to slip through the cracks, started setting up safety nets instead of trying to repair the floor... Started chiselling at the floor, making the cracks bigger, to hang those safety nets...
The floor has splintered into many pieces.
Finally she has realised that the floor can't take much more... So she's tried to tape it up... To make it last at least until she knows the next net will hold her... But tape isn't good enough.. thats like putting a bandaid on a severed limb (a metaphor within a metaphor? I know... way too much)
The floor can't handle the weight of her and the net together... One has to go.
She needs to either jump for the net and take her chances....
Or cut the net free, and work on repairing the floor... Mind you... theres no guarantee anymore, that the floor can still be repaired...
Thats one damn messed up floor.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
the answers
Funny... Now that I've finished creating my ultimate weapon against the lies... I don't feel so bad about the whole situation... Maybe its a "the truth shall set you free" kinda moment...
Anyway... I have suffered through over 3 hours of audio, and come out with 4 minutes and 30 seconds of... Proof.
It wasn't a good recording overall, but I managed to clean up many relevant parts of it, enough that they could be understood... And clipped them out, and compiled them...
So lets go over those carefully worded questions again...
Have you told (the other woman) that you will leave me?
She answered "I told her that nothing was certain but that was a while ago"
When I said "I recently heard you say 'you know I'm gonna leave her'... " She came up with this lovely story about them planning for her to go on holiday over there one day, and saying that she was going to leave (our child) here at home. She almost had me convinced, too... She is good...
I have in my little audio masterpiece, the words "you know I'm gonna leave her"It doesn't sound like she is talking about a child.
Have you told (the other woman) that you love her?
She answered "yes, a while back"... Upon further questioning she said she tells her she loves her but means it as a friend.
In my audio, which is only a couple of days old.. I have her saying "I love you" and.. just as a bonus.. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry... do you still love me?" -I believe this was because she fell asleep while they were talking.
Have you discussed details of our arguments/disagreements with (the other
woman)?
She answered "only little things like that we argued"
Its not in my masterpiece... But I do have in the original audio a large portion in which she describes an argument we had the day before in great detail... So its there if I need it.
Have you discussed your feelings for, and possible plans of the future with (the other woman) with your mother?
Her answer was that she had told her mother a while back that she wasn't sure if she had feelings...
I may accept this... The only evidence I have to suggest otherwise is some chat logs from a friend, which she has claimed to be fake.
Have you discussed you future with (the other woman) if/when you are with her?
She said- I'm not sure what you mean... Upon explanation of what I meant (for example... how much you could be earning together if you were both working) She said "sometimes she wants to say 'what if'... kinda like a role-playing thing...
I have in audio her talking about a job someone else has that is good, then going on to say that if (the other woman) was doing her work, and she took the aforementioned job, that they would be earning heaps of money.. did not sound like it was initiated by (the other woman) saying what if...
Have you ever had any form of cybersex/phonesex etc?
She replied... Only a couple of times just typing not masturbating.
I have in my soundfile the unmistakable sounds of masturbation... I know what she sounds like when she's doing that... Its a sound I used to make her make, lol... And following that, the mumbled the words "mwhoa... wore me out haha... did you cum baby?" Now if that isn't proof of cybersex... what is? A video couldn't do much better :P
If you answered yes to any of these, when were you going to tell me?
She said "I didn't think most of this stuff would be a problem, because its online, I guess" (of course the questions she answered at least half truthfully she would think that about.)
So, she didn't pay much attention to the letter attached to the questions did she... The part that said... "Assume I know the answers" and "don't underestimate me"
Anyway... I have suffered through over 3 hours of audio, and come out with 4 minutes and 30 seconds of... Proof.
It wasn't a good recording overall, but I managed to clean up many relevant parts of it, enough that they could be understood... And clipped them out, and compiled them...
So lets go over those carefully worded questions again...
Have you told (the other woman) that you will leave me?
She answered "I told her that nothing was certain but that was a while ago"
When I said "I recently heard you say 'you know I'm gonna leave her'... " She came up with this lovely story about them planning for her to go on holiday over there one day, and saying that she was going to leave (our child) here at home. She almost had me convinced, too... She is good...
I have in my little audio masterpiece, the words "you know I'm gonna leave her"It doesn't sound like she is talking about a child.
Have you told (the other woman) that you love her?
She answered "yes, a while back"... Upon further questioning she said she tells her she loves her but means it as a friend.
In my audio, which is only a couple of days old.. I have her saying "I love you" and.. just as a bonus.. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry... do you still love me?" -I believe this was because she fell asleep while they were talking.
Have you discussed details of our arguments/disagreements with (the other
woman)?
She answered "only little things like that we argued"
Its not in my masterpiece... But I do have in the original audio a large portion in which she describes an argument we had the day before in great detail... So its there if I need it.
Have you discussed your feelings for, and possible plans of the future with (the other woman) with your mother?
Her answer was that she had told her mother a while back that she wasn't sure if she had feelings...
I may accept this... The only evidence I have to suggest otherwise is some chat logs from a friend, which she has claimed to be fake.
Have you discussed you future with (the other woman) if/when you are with her?
She said- I'm not sure what you mean... Upon explanation of what I meant (for example... how much you could be earning together if you were both working) She said "sometimes she wants to say 'what if'... kinda like a role-playing thing...
I have in audio her talking about a job someone else has that is good, then going on to say that if (the other woman) was doing her work, and she took the aforementioned job, that they would be earning heaps of money.. did not sound like it was initiated by (the other woman) saying what if...
Have you ever had any form of cybersex/phonesex etc?
She replied... Only a couple of times just typing not masturbating.
I have in my soundfile the unmistakable sounds of masturbation... I know what she sounds like when she's doing that... Its a sound I used to make her make, lol... And following that, the mumbled the words "mwhoa... wore me out haha... did you cum baby?" Now if that isn't proof of cybersex... what is? A video couldn't do much better :P
If you answered yes to any of these, when were you going to tell me?
She said "I didn't think most of this stuff would be a problem, because its online, I guess" (of course the questions she answered at least half truthfully she would think that about.)
So, she didn't pay much attention to the letter attached to the questions did she... The part that said... "Assume I know the answers" and "don't underestimate me"
How Stupid Am I?
and still she denies most of the things I know are true...
Those things she admits to, she downplays as things that 'don't matter' or tries to explain them as something different to what they appear to be.
I'm going to finish going through and sorting my evidence and then I guess I'll have to show her...
I can't believe she underestimates me so...
Those things she admits to, she downplays as things that 'don't matter' or tries to explain them as something different to what they appear to be.
I'm going to finish going through and sorting my evidence and then I guess I'll have to show her...
I can't believe she underestimates me so...
The Questions
So.. I've written a letter, with questions... Most of which i already know the truthful answers to... I have worded them carefully so that if she lies, I will know, and I have proof of the ones that I know the truthful answers to.
If she lies I will tell her I know she is lying.. give her one more chance to tell me the truth... If she continues to lie... Then I'm not sure if I will show her the proof... (because she will be so angry lol) Or whether I'll just say.. Well, I guess this is it then.. I know you are lying, I have no doubt.. I just wish you could have told me the truth and maybe explained why you did it.
The letter is as follows...
I need to ask you some questions. I know I have asked most of them before.
I need you to answer them truthfully. All of them, and I mean it, I really do.
Do not assume that I will not know if you are lying, in fact, assume I will know. Don't underestimate me.
I'm begging you, to tell me the truth.
If you have any respect for me, for what we've had, what we've gone through together, if any moment of the last 5 1/2 years have meant anything to you... Tell me the truth.
If you are scared that I will become violent, that I would hurt you, rest assured, that I will not.
I would walk away if I felt aggressive...
I would kill myself before I hurt you.
Because I DO love you. I always have, I always will.
Of course that doesn't mean we will always be together.
For that would require both of us to love each other, and no-one else.
That would require honesty, trust.
Keep in mind that if you are lying to me now, and continue to lie to me, right through to when (the other woman) comes or until I catch you out, whichever comes first, we will not be able to be friends. Our entire relationship will revolve around (our foster daughter). Assuming one of us still has her.
If you are lying to me, and you stop now, then maybe we can still be friends. I hope so. I don't want to lose you completely. And the other day you told me you didn't want to lose me.
Were you being honest then?
I just hope you take this as seriously as I mean it.
Anyway... Onto the questions I guess....
Please read them carefully and answer truthfully.
Have you told (the other woman) that you will leave me?
Have you told (the other woman) that you love her?
(and I don't mean the way you say 'love u' to friends)
Have you told (the other woman) that you are not happy with me?
Have you discussed details of OUR arguments/disagreements with (the other woman)?
Have you discussed your feelings for and possible plans of the future with (the other woman) - with your mother?
Have you discussed your future with (the other woman) if/when you are with her? (discussed with [the other woman] I mean)
Have you ever had any form of cybersex/phonesex (you get the drift) with (the other woman)?
And if so, have you masturbated while doing so?
If you answered yes to any of these, when were you planning on telling me? (if ever)
And after I have your answers, I might have more questions, in an attempt to understand.
If she lies I will tell her I know she is lying.. give her one more chance to tell me the truth... If she continues to lie... Then I'm not sure if I will show her the proof... (because she will be so angry lol) Or whether I'll just say.. Well, I guess this is it then.. I know you are lying, I have no doubt.. I just wish you could have told me the truth and maybe explained why you did it.
The letter is as follows...
I need to ask you some questions. I know I have asked most of them before.
I need you to answer them truthfully. All of them, and I mean it, I really do.
Do not assume that I will not know if you are lying, in fact, assume I will know. Don't underestimate me.
I'm begging you, to tell me the truth.
If you have any respect for me, for what we've had, what we've gone through together, if any moment of the last 5 1/2 years have meant anything to you... Tell me the truth.
If you are scared that I will become violent, that I would hurt you, rest assured, that I will not.
I would walk away if I felt aggressive...
I would kill myself before I hurt you.
Because I DO love you. I always have, I always will.
Of course that doesn't mean we will always be together.
For that would require both of us to love each other, and no-one else.
That would require honesty, trust.
Keep in mind that if you are lying to me now, and continue to lie to me, right through to when (the other woman) comes or until I catch you out, whichever comes first, we will not be able to be friends. Our entire relationship will revolve around (our foster daughter). Assuming one of us still has her.
If you are lying to me, and you stop now, then maybe we can still be friends. I hope so. I don't want to lose you completely. And the other day you told me you didn't want to lose me.
Were you being honest then?
I just hope you take this as seriously as I mean it.
Anyway... Onto the questions I guess....
Please read them carefully and answer truthfully.
Have you told (the other woman) that you will leave me?
Have you told (the other woman) that you love her?
(and I don't mean the way you say 'love u' to friends)
Have you told (the other woman) that you are not happy with me?
Have you discussed details of OUR arguments/disagreements with (the other woman)?
Have you discussed your feelings for and possible plans of the future with (the other woman) - with your mother?
Have you discussed your future with (the other woman) if/when you are with her? (discussed with [the other woman] I mean)
Have you ever had any form of cybersex/phonesex (you get the drift) with (the other woman)?
And if so, have you masturbated while doing so?
If you answered yes to any of these, when were you planning on telling me? (if ever)
And after I have your answers, I might have more questions, in an attempt to understand.
set me free
So last night one of her friends came round for a few drinks, and we had a good time...
I think I was able to enjoy myself because I don't have to wonder if I am being lied to anymore... I know I am.
I was determined not to deal with that shit that night, to have a good time, for a change...
It was nice... for those few hours that awful sinking feeling in my gut actually went away... I felt good, happy, I was able to enjoy myself..
There were moments when I was a bit... Sad? Like during sing star, certain songs making me think, especially hearing her sing them with so much feeling, and I couldn't help but think about how they related to the situation.. Some about breaking up, not being able to let someone go... Wanting someone else...
And of course.. I felt left out. 3 is a crowd, after all, and when they are drinking together I am always excluded.
She didn't sing one song with me.. But, I expected to be excluded, so I wasn't disappointed, just a little sad.. I think I had some hope...
One of the things I discovered yesterday really shook me. Literally, I was shaking, my legs were like jelly, I was actually amazed I could stand.
I wanted to cut myself but the only knife I had handy wasn't sharp enough.
I remember when I used to cut myself, sharpening the knife was like part of a ritual, lol.
Anyhow.. Imagine you've asked several times if your partner ever masturbates while talking to her special friend/s... You've asked if she's had cybersex, or whatever...
And she says no, and you believe her... Because you honestly think that she, knowing how that would make you feel, wouldn't do that to you, wouldn't betray you on that level...
Then imagine you heard it... It was muffled and quiet... But you know what it was because despite it having been a while... The sounds are familiar... And they actually make you horny just hearing it, despite the pain accompanying it.
Imagine how much that hurts.
I mean of all the fucking nasty lies...
Funny thing is... While hearing that, it hurts like hell, but its like... It killed something, like my pain is an onion, and hearing that peeled off a layer, and when I think about the whole situation, it hurts that little bit less.
Hearing it still hurts the most... It doesn't reduce that sick sinking feeling..
But theres a little less pain, when I'm just thinking about it.
Thing is... What I really want to know.. Is WHY the lies?
Why not just put me out of my misery? Tell me the truth and let me know?
Is it normal to want to know why? To care why? Does that make me strange?
I like to know what motivates people.. I like to understand.
Does she really plan on keeping me around as a safety net just in case? Is that it?
Does she actually want to be with me at all? Or am I just conveniant?
It can't be that she doesn't want to hurt me... Because she is hurting me already and I have told her so, she can see it... Mind you she doesn't seem to care.
I just don't know... I want her to tell me. The truth.
The truth can set me free.
I think I was able to enjoy myself because I don't have to wonder if I am being lied to anymore... I know I am.
I was determined not to deal with that shit that night, to have a good time, for a change...
It was nice... for those few hours that awful sinking feeling in my gut actually went away... I felt good, happy, I was able to enjoy myself..
There were moments when I was a bit... Sad? Like during sing star, certain songs making me think, especially hearing her sing them with so much feeling, and I couldn't help but think about how they related to the situation.. Some about breaking up, not being able to let someone go... Wanting someone else...
And of course.. I felt left out. 3 is a crowd, after all, and when they are drinking together I am always excluded.
She didn't sing one song with me.. But, I expected to be excluded, so I wasn't disappointed, just a little sad.. I think I had some hope...
One of the things I discovered yesterday really shook me. Literally, I was shaking, my legs were like jelly, I was actually amazed I could stand.
I wanted to cut myself but the only knife I had handy wasn't sharp enough.
I remember when I used to cut myself, sharpening the knife was like part of a ritual, lol.
Anyhow.. Imagine you've asked several times if your partner ever masturbates while talking to her special friend/s... You've asked if she's had cybersex, or whatever...
And she says no, and you believe her... Because you honestly think that she, knowing how that would make you feel, wouldn't do that to you, wouldn't betray you on that level...
Then imagine you heard it... It was muffled and quiet... But you know what it was because despite it having been a while... The sounds are familiar... And they actually make you horny just hearing it, despite the pain accompanying it.
Imagine how much that hurts.
I mean of all the fucking nasty lies...
Funny thing is... While hearing that, it hurts like hell, but its like... It killed something, like my pain is an onion, and hearing that peeled off a layer, and when I think about the whole situation, it hurts that little bit less.
Hearing it still hurts the most... It doesn't reduce that sick sinking feeling..
But theres a little less pain, when I'm just thinking about it.
Thing is... What I really want to know.. Is WHY the lies?
Why not just put me out of my misery? Tell me the truth and let me know?
Is it normal to want to know why? To care why? Does that make me strange?
I like to know what motivates people.. I like to understand.
Does she really plan on keeping me around as a safety net just in case? Is that it?
Does she actually want to be with me at all? Or am I just conveniant?
It can't be that she doesn't want to hurt me... Because she is hurting me already and I have told her so, she can see it... Mind you she doesn't seem to care.
I just don't know... I want her to tell me. The truth.
The truth can set me free.
Friday, January 16, 2009
The ultimate betrayal
and still it gets worse... omg... so many lies... I don't think I will ever trust anyone ever again.. how could one human being do this to another?
I used to hate humanity... so much... But I've softened over the years... OMG
I feel so used...
I feel like killing myself.
And she cannot excuse what I just heard, with "I don't want to hurt her feelings"
omg this is just awful.
I can't express how i feel right now in any sane way
I used to hate humanity... so much... But I've softened over the years... OMG
I feel so used...
I feel like killing myself.
And she cannot excuse what I just heard, with "I don't want to hurt her feelings"
omg this is just awful.
I can't express how i feel right now in any sane way
a quick OUCH
OMG... wow... holy shit, and well, just about every expletive in the english language, feel free to insert some from other languages if you know any...
My heart is thumping out of my chest, I feel dizzy...
I'm still examining this information that I have, this proof, and I just came across something so hurtful, that I actually had to examine it several times, to prove to myself, that I wasn't imagining it.
My heart is thumping out of my chest, I feel dizzy...
I'm still examining this information that I have, this proof, and I just came across something so hurtful, that I actually had to examine it several times, to prove to myself, that I wasn't imagining it.
Gathering the Proof
Wow... Sneaky bugger that am, I found myself some proof, that my partner is lying to me, about not having made any plans with her... friend... For their future if they end up together...
I'm not sure how I feel about that... Its nice to finally know for sure that she is telling lies...
Of course it hurts like hell, and it makes me furious... I am right now shaking with anger... And fear.. Because I know eventually I will have to do something about this. I know it is going to hurt like hell, but will feel so much better when its over... I think.
Part of me wants to wait.. try to get her to admit it, or try to catch more lies, so I can present them on a platter, proof and ultimatum... or maybe skip the ultimatum, and just leave.
I'm not sure if that part of me is just scared to get it over with.
And I know for sure, that part of me is scared of showing her how I got the proof... Because I know it will make her so goddamn furious... and that it will hurt her.. Probably contribute to her anxiety problems in the future.
Despite it all, I do love her, and while part of me wants to hate her, and hurt her, in revenge for hurting me...
Part of me will be in so much pain because I'll be hurting the woman I love.
I'm not sure how I feel about that... Its nice to finally know for sure that she is telling lies...
Of course it hurts like hell, and it makes me furious... I am right now shaking with anger... And fear.. Because I know eventually I will have to do something about this. I know it is going to hurt like hell, but will feel so much better when its over... I think.
Part of me wants to wait.. try to get her to admit it, or try to catch more lies, so I can present them on a platter, proof and ultimatum... or maybe skip the ultimatum, and just leave.
I'm not sure if that part of me is just scared to get it over with.
And I know for sure, that part of me is scared of showing her how I got the proof... Because I know it will make her so goddamn furious... and that it will hurt her.. Probably contribute to her anxiety problems in the future.
Despite it all, I do love her, and while part of me wants to hate her, and hurt her, in revenge for hurting me...
Part of me will be in so much pain because I'll be hurting the woman I love.
imagine the pain...
Do you ever feel like you have no real friends, because they're all someone elses friends? Do you ever feel like your life, your relationship, is all lies and no one will tell you the truth?
Do you ever feel like you're just being used, like the person you love only stays with you because it is conveniant? Because they need a home and someone to share it with and share the workload and share the raising of a child?
Do you ever feel like they're just stringing you along till something better comes along?
Knowing that they are going to meet an internet friend who is in love with them, in RL, stay in a hotel with them for 3 days, and not being able to believe when she says nothing is going to happen.. that the feelings are all one sided...
I do.
It feels awful.
You want to ask your friends for help, advice, the truth, but you know they will hide the truth, give biased advice...
But despite all this... You can't just leave... Because you don't know if you're wrong. You don't know if you're just paranoid and you're actually hearing the truth..
You don't know if you should go to a Dr and get medication for depression/anxiety/paranoia...
You have this sinking feeling in your gut that just won't go away, makes you feel sick, makes you feel like you're going to throw up everything you eat or drink, cannot eat more than a few bites because you feel so sick you literally cannot force yourself to swallow anymore, if you try, you just dry retch and choke it back up.
And then you're growled at for losing so much weight, by the very same person who is making you feel this way.
Imagine one 'mutual friend' has confirmed all your fears and more... Shown you internet chat logs and revealed plans you had been so afraid of. Offered you a place to go when you leave and comforted you as you fought your way through so many emotions... Pain, humiliation, anger, fear...
Then imagine your partner, when confronted, dismissing all this as lies and fabrication... The chat logs- faked, mostly, the rest.. 'Just messing around'
Telling you in no uncertain terms that the friend that showed you is not a real friend, that they are simply a drama queen that is very good at looking like they care, has pulled the wool over your eyes, and did it all simply because they felt 'out of the loop'.
Because they got too nosy and pushy and weren't being confided in anymore...
Telling you that this so called friend encouraged the whole situation until they felt excluded and consequently felt the need to interfere, cause 'drama'.
So who do you believe? The person you love who you have been with for nearly 6 years? Or the friend?
What do you do? Throw it all away and leave? Throw away 6 years and a child and a relationship that has always been difficult but was once very loving?
Or stay and wait it out.. Wait through 2 months of agony, of being unable to eat properly... Losing weight and sanity...
So far.. I'm staying, because I cannot bring myself to leave without knowing if its lies. I don't want to leave and then regret it, at least if I stay.. I'll find out one way or another down the track... I just don't know if I can handle the pain, the uncertainty, the anger...
But for the record, I do not believe that my friend was lying.
Do you ever feel like you're just being used, like the person you love only stays with you because it is conveniant? Because they need a home and someone to share it with and share the workload and share the raising of a child?
Do you ever feel like they're just stringing you along till something better comes along?
Knowing that they are going to meet an internet friend who is in love with them, in RL, stay in a hotel with them for 3 days, and not being able to believe when she says nothing is going to happen.. that the feelings are all one sided...
I do.
It feels awful.
You want to ask your friends for help, advice, the truth, but you know they will hide the truth, give biased advice...
But despite all this... You can't just leave... Because you don't know if you're wrong. You don't know if you're just paranoid and you're actually hearing the truth..
You don't know if you should go to a Dr and get medication for depression/anxiety/paranoia...
You have this sinking feeling in your gut that just won't go away, makes you feel sick, makes you feel like you're going to throw up everything you eat or drink, cannot eat more than a few bites because you feel so sick you literally cannot force yourself to swallow anymore, if you try, you just dry retch and choke it back up.
And then you're growled at for losing so much weight, by the very same person who is making you feel this way.
Imagine one 'mutual friend' has confirmed all your fears and more... Shown you internet chat logs and revealed plans you had been so afraid of. Offered you a place to go when you leave and comforted you as you fought your way through so many emotions... Pain, humiliation, anger, fear...
Then imagine your partner, when confronted, dismissing all this as lies and fabrication... The chat logs- faked, mostly, the rest.. 'Just messing around'
Telling you in no uncertain terms that the friend that showed you is not a real friend, that they are simply a drama queen that is very good at looking like they care, has pulled the wool over your eyes, and did it all simply because they felt 'out of the loop'.
Because they got too nosy and pushy and weren't being confided in anymore...
Telling you that this so called friend encouraged the whole situation until they felt excluded and consequently felt the need to interfere, cause 'drama'.
So who do you believe? The person you love who you have been with for nearly 6 years? Or the friend?
What do you do? Throw it all away and leave? Throw away 6 years and a child and a relationship that has always been difficult but was once very loving?
Or stay and wait it out.. Wait through 2 months of agony, of being unable to eat properly... Losing weight and sanity...
So far.. I'm staying, because I cannot bring myself to leave without knowing if its lies. I don't want to leave and then regret it, at least if I stay.. I'll find out one way or another down the track... I just don't know if I can handle the pain, the uncertainty, the anger...
But for the record, I do not believe that my friend was lying.
Fragile Peace
Right now, I'm not feeling anything much. Which feels nice. Does that make sense? Probably not.
Maybe its not so much that I'm not feeling, but more than I am not thinking so much.
Not thinking means not hurting.
I'm relaxed. It feels strange. Peaceful.
If I close my eyes and just... Relax, I feel such strange sensations.
Waves of vibration flowing through my body, up and down my limbs, rippling across my torso, swirling around my scalp...
It fascinates me, and it has been a long time since I could just sit and feel that. A long time have not needed to be doing something. Distracted by something.
In a need to express this moment... I write.
And now, something has happened, such a little thing, that has torn that feeling, or lack of it, away.
The sinking feeling is back in my gut, the feeling of being unable to breathe properly, the heat, like I'm burning up, slowly but surely...
Dizziness and shakiness. And the only thing that I could do to make this feeling go away for good, is to tear my own heart out, throw it into the face of the woman I love, and walk away, never to return.
Metaphorically speaking of course... I wouldn't be able to get far after literally tearing my own heart out could I?
I guess its not even possible, literally... But sometimes... I wish I could.
Maybe its not so much that I'm not feeling, but more than I am not thinking so much.
Not thinking means not hurting.
I'm relaxed. It feels strange. Peaceful.
If I close my eyes and just... Relax, I feel such strange sensations.
Waves of vibration flowing through my body, up and down my limbs, rippling across my torso, swirling around my scalp...
It fascinates me, and it has been a long time since I could just sit and feel that. A long time have not needed to be doing something. Distracted by something.
In a need to express this moment... I write.
And now, something has happened, such a little thing, that has torn that feeling, or lack of it, away.
The sinking feeling is back in my gut, the feeling of being unable to breathe properly, the heat, like I'm burning up, slowly but surely...
Dizziness and shakiness. And the only thing that I could do to make this feeling go away for good, is to tear my own heart out, throw it into the face of the woman I love, and walk away, never to return.
Metaphorically speaking of course... I wouldn't be able to get far after literally tearing my own heart out could I?
I guess its not even possible, literally... But sometimes... I wish I could.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)