So... I finally made her admit to having cybersex.
Well it took me saying "I know, and don't even try denying it because I know, that you have been having cybersex... In voice... With at least her cam on."
I didn't tell her how I know... I think she assumes I listen at the door.
She still claims that she wants to be with me, that nothing will happen between them... That her feelings for her are purely felt by "that other person" that she apparently is online.
Realises that I have always said I will forgive a lot... But cheating is the one thing I have always said I can never forgive. But she doesn't consider it cheating because it is online, etc etc... Its not real etc etc... they don't even connect, theres no intimacy... Well there hasn't been for us for years either!
She did say she will not do that anymore. Of course I said I can't trust her anymore, because she did it, and lied about it in the first place...
She says I'll just have to wait till (the other woman) has been and gone and when nothing happens I should be able to start trusting her again.
Points out that I have done things that have hurt her, broken her trust in the past (all within the 1st 6 months of our relationship, with 1 more recent exception which was a direct result of her cheating on me online).
I don't know how she can compare those things to cheating... Cheating is to me, the worst thing you can do in a relationship.
I don't think having trouble breaking a mild drug (marijuana) and alcohol habit, and lying about it, within the 1st 6 months of a relationship, really compared to cheating almost 6 years into a relationship.
But maybe thats just me.
So she is telling me don't throw away almost 6 years just like that blah blah... Just wait until march and I will see that she wouldn't do that to me...
I want to believe her... But I don't.
I've heard too much to contradict it...
I cannot accept that all the plans she has spoken to her about, all the time she spends reassuring (the other woman) that she will leave me, but can't yet because she needs me to... Drive her places, etc.. are 'role playing' and 'what ifs'...
I would be a fool to believe that.
It may even be role-playing on one side... But (the other woman) obviously needs that reassurance for real.
Stupid thing is, when I originally tried to break up with her, I told her we could continue to live together, while we each sort our shit out, that we could be adults about it... But she still insists on trying to make it work.
This is the one thing that makes me believe she hasn't fully made up her mind yet.
She doesn't want to, in case it turns out that (the other woman) can't deal with her shit, her anxiety, depression.... She told me last night she spends most of her time helping (the other woman) with HER issues... Controlling, anxiety.... So when is she going to get her attention? Who is going to look after her?
I have some new stuff... Working through it now, there will be a new post within 24hrs.
Amazing, she almost had me believing her... I know she has problems, that is true... But even if you can't control your feelings, even if you can't control your emotions and urges... You ALWAYS have an option not to act on them.
She knew I would never forgive cheating, she knew I included cybersex.
But she made the choice to do it anyway.
She cannot say it doesn't feel like her, when she's online... That doesn't make it ok, even if its true. Because when it comes to the crunch... It is her brain making the decision to cheat, and the "real" her is in on that decision.
I made a new recording, the morning after this... discussion... That is what I am listening to now.
I wanted to know if she changed her behaviour with (the other woman) or said anything to her about it.. Because I said to her you are having a relationship and it has to stop... Even if it is one sided, you have to stop encouraging it.
Well I'm not done yet... But I know she's still encouraging it..
Stay tuned....
No comments:
Post a Comment