So last night one of her friends came round for a few drinks, and we had a good time...
I think I was able to enjoy myself because I don't have to wonder if I am being lied to anymore... I know I am.
I was determined not to deal with that shit that night, to have a good time, for a change...
It was nice... for those few hours that awful sinking feeling in my gut actually went away... I felt good, happy, I was able to enjoy myself..
There were moments when I was a bit... Sad? Like during sing star, certain songs making me think, especially hearing her sing them with so much feeling, and I couldn't help but think about how they related to the situation.. Some about breaking up, not being able to let someone go... Wanting someone else...
And of course.. I felt left out. 3 is a crowd, after all, and when they are drinking together I am always excluded.
She didn't sing one song with me.. But, I expected to be excluded, so I wasn't disappointed, just a little sad.. I think I had some hope...
One of the things I discovered yesterday really shook me. Literally, I was shaking, my legs were like jelly, I was actually amazed I could stand.
I wanted to cut myself but the only knife I had handy wasn't sharp enough.
I remember when I used to cut myself, sharpening the knife was like part of a ritual, lol.
Anyhow.. Imagine you've asked several times if your partner ever masturbates while talking to her special friend/s... You've asked if she's had cybersex, or whatever...
And she says no, and you believe her... Because you honestly think that she, knowing how that would make you feel, wouldn't do that to you, wouldn't betray you on that level...
Then imagine you heard it... It was muffled and quiet... But you know what it was because despite it having been a while... The sounds are familiar... And they actually make you horny just hearing it, despite the pain accompanying it.
Imagine how much that hurts.
I mean of all the fucking nasty lies...
Funny thing is... While hearing that, it hurts like hell, but its like... It killed something, like my pain is an onion, and hearing that peeled off a layer, and when I think about the whole situation, it hurts that little bit less.
Hearing it still hurts the most... It doesn't reduce that sick sinking feeling..
But theres a little less pain, when I'm just thinking about it.
Thing is... What I really want to know.. Is WHY the lies?
Why not just put me out of my misery? Tell me the truth and let me know?
Is it normal to want to know why? To care why? Does that make me strange?
I like to know what motivates people.. I like to understand.
Does she really plan on keeping me around as a safety net just in case? Is that it?
Does she actually want to be with me at all? Or am I just conveniant?
It can't be that she doesn't want to hurt me... Because she is hurting me already and I have told her so, she can see it... Mind you she doesn't seem to care.
I just don't know... I want her to tell me. The truth.
The truth can set me free.
No comments:
Post a Comment