I enrolled to study Information Technology today... It was a great moment for me as I have been wanting to for a long time, but couldn't due to Her needs... Same reason as I have never held a decent job for any length of time until recently (and even then only casual).
Silly thing is... I'm sure she's letting me do things she wouldn't have before partly due to caring less.... She still wants me to look after her BUT doesn't care so much about what I'm doing, But also partly because she is guilty as hell for what she is doing, and she thinks that being nice to me, giving me some freedom, is somehow compensation, and showing me that she still loves me... But thats totally backfiring because I know more than she thinks I know, and I know she is trying to make me think she wants to be with me, and I am taking advantage of that... In a twisted kind of way the tables have turned.
We're still behaving mostly as friends, albeit with regular snappy moments, barbed comments and small disagreements...
Technically I'm still 'looking after' her... In that respect she is still using me...
But I'm not submitting to everything.. I'm not making it easy for her, and I am getting a lot of things I havn't had for a while, not having to ask for things so much... More freedom. plus I have the thrill of espionage lol!
The tension is much less now than when I knew there was something going on, knew she was lying, but didn't know what or why etc...
I have come to terms with it and it doesn't usually hurt much now. Basically, I expect her to leave, and I'm just making the best of things until it happens.
To up and leave would be complicated... We have a rental home, the lease in both our names, and neither of us can afford it alone...
Our child will be totally confused when it happens, she's been through a lot in her short life and perhaps its best to wait until we are ready to part amicably, rather than seeing us fight, watching her try to lie her way back into my heart...
Looking at it rationally, perhaps it is best to wait it out.
I'm sick of hearing her excuses and lies every time I try to drag out the truth, sick of her trying to make me stay. So I'm not fighting anymore.. I can wait, because it no longer hurts. My heart is closed to her love.
I care about her simply as a person I have known for a long time, a housemate, a friend... This wouldn't even be possible if I didn't know her so well...
For a while there I thought I didn't know her at all, because of the lies etc... But I realise now that she is the same lazy scared little girl she always has been... Lying goes so much against her grain that it is making her sick, and then more scared, and the vicious cycle that produces is the reason she just keeps telling lies.
So for now, we're in a kind of limbo.
This post makes me sad and happy at the same time... Happy you are free to do the things you want to do, happy you don't hurt so much, happy that perhaps the clouds are clearing and a new sun will rise; yet sad you feel it is over, sad for all the heartache and pain you have felt and especially sad for the child...
ReplyDeleteIf she'd stopped when I confronted her, when I tried to leave her, instead of making more lies and excuses to cover up her continuing infidelity, perhaps it could have been different...
ReplyDeleteWhen I tried to break up with her, she said something had changed because we'd talked, opened up to each other... But she didn't... I opened up, she didn't.
I asked her to stop having the relationship, she lied and claimed there was no relationship.
I asked her to cancel meeting her, for my peace of mind, to show me that I am more important, she said she couldn't.
I've asked her questions I knew the answer to, she denied them all, until pushed, then made excuses.
Even if you feel like a different person online, get close to someone, etc... There is no excuse for letting things go as far as they have.
It is sad, I agree... But I think the only thing I have done wrong in this situation, really.... Is that I havn't left already.