Well this morning I was wondering if anything had changed..
I mean we've fought, we've talked... We agreed to take a 'break' during which we are still officially together, are not avaliable (for relationships or sex), still live together and if we happen to come across a moment when we want to have sex (with each other... not other people, obviously) thats ok...
So here I am thinking, maybe she is serious, maybe she has got feelings for me again, maybe she is attracted to me again... Maybe she'll stop cyberfucking that pommy cunt and come to me for a change, goodness knows I need it... Mind you I don't know if I would be able to without throwing up on her.
So I did my little trick again...
At one point I tried to go into the room, and the door was locked... So I was a bit... Concerned...
Later she saw a comment on my profile on a website saying "the truth will set you free" and got all shitty at me "because some people might know what its about" and because it was obvious I still didn't believe her, so I tried to get her to admit it... again... No luck.
She's like... If I don't love you why am I still here? Are you trying to drive me away? Drive me to her? Of course I jumped on this... I said... For you to say that... Means you must think about it!
Which of course she denied furiously.. She carries on for a while... "why can't you just forget the past and focus on now, and the future?" I'm thinking... I am... the future you're planning without me....
I said now? Now you're not attracted to me, you never want to touch me (etc)
To which she asked "when have I said that?" I told her it was in her body language... She insists that she is attracted to me so I mustn't be able to read body language. I said well it would be nice if you showed me... If you acted like you wanted to make love to me.. If you tried... That would help me trust you.
She insists that she has been affectionate, but hasn't wanted to make love because she feels uncomfortable because we have been fighting so much. asks if we can stop fighting now, and keep trying to make things work...
She was so vehement about the attraction thing that I apologised and said I would try...
So... We finished the fight, lay on the couch to watch some DVDs... She halfheartedly encourages my hand to touch her... Only in the most 'important' place of course...
So I did, a little... But I could sense that she wasn't truly interested... She wasn't looking at me, wasn't really responding, just rubbing my head as if that would make me believe she wanted me to go further... Just to test... I asked if she wanted to go watch something in the bedroom.. hint hint.. nudge nudge, y'know... She kinda shrugged "I don't mind" I took that as a no.
I stood over her and kissed her... t'was like kissing a warmed up corpse... no arousal in those lips...
I couldn't do more because the child was in and out of the room... But I didn't really want to anyway. If she's not interested... It makes me feel dirty.
And she was showing no real interest in wanting to touch me.. She had plenty of opportunity when I tried kissing her.
I havn't had sex that didn't feel dirty, where I didn't feel used, or where I actually left physically satisfied for over 2 years. Its probably been more like 3 1/2 years since she used anything but her hand... Which she knows doesn't satisfy me as much as... Well, anyway, on with the 'story'
So... This evening... I examine my new evidence...
I actually had a little hope, because what had happened earlier..
I hear them talking about how she can get dual citizenship because her father was born there, she even came out and got her birth certificate, (because she needs to get ID, she tells me,) to check his place of birth etc...
Blah blah blah...
Then I hear her get up and close the windows, and say something about me listening at the door... (she smelt smoke come through the window yesterday and accused me of eavesdropping... got something to hide huh?)
Then I hear some heavy breathing... She is trying to be quiet.. the occasional mumbled word... A little louder... "you owe me one of those... remember, I asked you to move the camera down further once, and you finally did, and you promised me you would do it again......... mmmyeaaah........(a bit I can't understand).... you're the best (something) I ever had......."
Then, I hear the door... This is when I tried to go in, but it was locked...
I think I spoilt the mood LOL
So, before we even had that fight... She tried to fuck her.. and maybe she was a little frustrated because they were interrupted, and thats why she halfheartedly encouraged me to touch her... Did she think maybe I should make up for it? lol...
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