Crazy

I have to work today, she knows that, and has told (the other woman), who is very horny, that they should wait till I leave, because then she doesn't have to be quiet...
I wish I had a way of recording sound when I am not here, because it would be interesting to see how she is when I am not here, when she doesn't need to mumble, or be quiet during sex... But I can't think of anything! Perhaps I can buy something, to use another time, but its a shame to miss this opportunity as its the first time I've worked during their chat time, for quite some time.

The saddest thing is, I feel sorry for her... Because she is sick, psychologically. She always has been, sometimes she's improved for a time, but it always comes back.
I've always tried to help her, tried to be supportive, understanding... It has become such a habit that its hard to break, I can see whats going on, what she is doing, is hurting her... In more ways than one.. But she's dug herself such a deep hole she can't get out!
When (the other woman) visits... Well, I hope she really does care for her, that they both really care for each other, because if it isn't real, if it is one sided, they're going to have some major problems when she visits, and someones going to get hurt. Surely enough pain has come out of this?
I want to remove myself from this tangled web, but I have trouble doing so because I have this thing where I want to know the whole truth, but it seems impossible to find. The only truth I am sure of, is that she is psychologically unwell. I have no way of knowing if she is being honest with anyone! It is confusing and frustrating and throughout it all I feel pity for her, because she is sick.
But I don't think me being here is helping her, in leaving I might reduce the amount of lies she feels the need to tell, then she might feel less unhealthy and depressed and learn how to look after herself.
I feel awful, like I have failed somehow, as a partner, as a friend... I know I shouldn't, I know she is the one doing this, but she has a very good way of turning things around and blaming someone else, and it is often me. I've been pointing that out to her a lot lately, she does it even with little things. I don't know if it is stronger to stay, or to leave.. I think staying is stronger, because leaving is like running away, but at the same time... Leaving is so difficult, maybe that would be the stronger thing to do. Not that this matters... If I don't leave, I think I'll go crazy.. I already have gone a little crazy, I think... Spying, writing this blog, staying here as long as I have... Crazy.