Do you ever feel like you have no real friends, because they're all someone elses friends? Do you ever feel like your life, your relationship, is all lies and no one will tell you the truth?
Do you ever feel like you're just being used, like the person you love only stays with you because it is conveniant? Because they need a home and someone to share it with and share the workload and share the raising of a child?
Do you ever feel like they're just stringing you along till something better comes along?
Knowing that they are going to meet an internet friend who is in love with them, in RL, stay in a hotel with them for 3 days, and not being able to believe when she says nothing is going to happen.. that the feelings are all one sided...
I do.
It feels awful.
You want to ask your friends for help, advice, the truth, but you know they will hide the truth, give biased advice...
But despite all this... You can't just leave... Because you don't know if you're wrong. You don't know if you're just paranoid and you're actually hearing the truth..
You don't know if you should go to a Dr and get medication for depression/anxiety/paranoia...
You have this sinking feeling in your gut that just won't go away, makes you feel sick, makes you feel like you're going to throw up everything you eat or drink, cannot eat more than a few bites because you feel so sick you literally cannot force yourself to swallow anymore, if you try, you just dry retch and choke it back up.
And then you're growled at for losing so much weight, by the very same person who is making you feel this way.
Imagine one 'mutual friend' has confirmed all your fears and more... Shown you internet chat logs and revealed plans you had been so afraid of. Offered you a place to go when you leave and comforted you as you fought your way through so many emotions... Pain, humiliation, anger, fear...
Then imagine your partner, when confronted, dismissing all this as lies and fabrication... The chat logs- faked, mostly, the rest.. 'Just messing around'
Telling you in no uncertain terms that the friend that showed you is not a real friend, that they are simply a drama queen that is very good at looking like they care, has pulled the wool over your eyes, and did it all simply because they felt 'out of the loop'.
Because they got too nosy and pushy and weren't being confided in anymore...
Telling you that this so called friend encouraged the whole situation until they felt excluded and consequently felt the need to interfere, cause 'drama'.
So who do you believe? The person you love who you have been with for nearly 6 years? Or the friend?
What do you do? Throw it all away and leave? Throw away 6 years and a child and a relationship that has always been difficult but was once very loving?
Or stay and wait it out.. Wait through 2 months of agony, of being unable to eat properly... Losing weight and sanity...
So far.. I'm staying, because I cannot bring myself to leave without knowing if its lies. I don't want to leave and then regret it, at least if I stay.. I'll find out one way or another down the track... I just don't know if I can handle the pain, the uncertainty, the anger...
But for the record, I do not believe that my friend was lying.
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