I Think I Understand

I think I just figured out why my emotions have calmed... Why the sinking in my gut has backed off, mostly (comes back with certain thoughts). Why I can feel something close to peace.

I'm the sort of person who needs to understand things... I need to understand the motivation behind what people do.
If I understand something, I can deal with it better, and maybe help other people to deal with it.
If someone hurts me, or lies to me, I damn well want to know why.
I will go to great lengths to get that understanding. I'll sneak, spy, lie and use whatever means neccessary.
I've put myself through hell so many times in my life, in an attempt to understand what motivates certain people to do certain things.
In the process I've damaged my body and my mind, had my heart shattered, nearly killed myself, allowed myself to be mistreated and used....
Well, this has been a long and difficult path... But I understand why she is lying to me. That doesn't mean I approve of it, certainly not... But I understand... Which helps me.

She doesn't want to make the wrong choice. She is scared of making the wrong choice... Because then she might lose her power, her control.
She lies to me because if she told me the truth, she might lose control over me.
If she loses me, her safety net is gone... She would then have to fall until she landed in the next net, and being scared of heights, she might not make it, fear might take her before she gets there... Fear that the next net will break.
If she loses me now, she might be falling for two months before she lands in that net... But what if that net isn't strong enough to hold her?
If she hits that net and falls straight through... She's got no backup net, she would be flailing about, terrified, out of control, waiting for another net to appear beneath her.
She's too weak to deal with that... She can't be alone, she can't not have a net.

But I was willing to be more than a net, before this. I was a nice solid floor with a doormat to wipe her feet on..
I wasn't a perfect floor, I had a few cracks, and dangerous spots... But with some love and care... with some mending and maybe a bit of "caution, hazard" tape in places... I could have been there forever.
Unfortunately... She neglected me, didn't take care of me, expected me to be a good solid floor forever with no upkeep and no responsibility.... And I started to disintegrate.
The cracks got bigger, the dangerous spots, more dangerous and widespread...
She started to slip through the cracks, started setting up safety nets instead of trying to repair the floor... Started chiselling at the floor, making the cracks bigger, to hang those safety nets...
The floor has splintered into many pieces.
Finally she has realised that the floor can't take much more... So she's tried to tape it up... To make it last at least until she knows the next net will hold her... But tape isn't good enough.. thats like putting a bandaid on a severed limb (a metaphor within a metaphor? I know... way too much)
The floor can't handle the weight of her and the net together... One has to go.
She needs to either jump for the net and take her chances....
Or cut the net free, and work on repairing the floor... Mind you... theres no guarantee anymore, that the floor can still be repaired...
Thats one damn messed up floor.