An Update

I've been in hermit mode lately, which seems to be my most common mode at the moment but I've surfaced for the moment and thought I'd do an update...
Apparently when I go into hermit mode I lose track of time a lot, I've had a few online friends say to me “omg where have you been the last few months!” Because I havn't logged onto any chat programs. Apparently it doesn't occur to people to send an e-mail these days. I always check e-mail at least once a day even if I'm in hermit mode.. I do work on the computer a lot, after all.
As for the 'last few months' bit... To me it felt like a week or two! I guess my awareness of time is pretty flimsy.

I'm typing this on a laptop that is not connected to the net because it doesn't have wireless and I'm sitting outside and don't like dragging an ethernet cord around. I have another laptop that does have wireless but the battery is useless and I don't want to drag a power cord around.
Of course I have my PC but that's not portable at all, obviously.
It is quite frustrating.
One laptop (without wireless) that is old but in very good condition, portable, battery works for an hour or so.
One laptop (with wireless) that is newer and more powerful but in terrible condition, have to plug in a keyboard and keep it plugged into the power.
If only I could combine the two, I'd have a good portable laptop!
But anyway, I am settling for typing this on here then uploading it later.

I am moving house in about three weeks, this house is just way too big and expensive. The new place is cheaper and literally half the size (this is a 4x2 with 2 living areas, the new one is a 2x1 with 1 living area). The backyard is miniscule, unfortunately, which means I'll have to start taking the dog out for play and walks or she'll go mad with boredom! On the up-side I do need the exercise, I'll just have to find the time.

One thing I am really looking forward to is moving away from the 'black wattle' that is flowing in my front garden. I'm extremely allergic to it and have been waking up every morning with blood in my sinuses. I few days ago I have a high fever, I assume there was infection in my sinuses. 2 days of rest and lots of paracetamol seems to have allowed my body to fight it off, but my glands are still swollen and it hurts to swallow. I'm taking antihistamines and paracetamol every day in an attempt to keep it at a manageable level.
My little girl has been suffering too, her infections are turning up in her ears. I assume she's allergic to the same thing as her problems started at the same time as mine. Sometimes I almost think she is my biological daughter! She will be 5 in 20 days! The day after we move house in fact, hows that for a big birthday present?!

I'll stop rambling on now, as I don't think anyone really reads this anymore anyway. Maybe I shouldn't bother heheh..
The webpage I was planning on (re)building is on hold indefinitely, as I simply don't have the time for a project that big at the moment. Maybe I'll have some time at the end of year holidays.

Mostly Content

Now that I'm over the initial adjustment to being single after a long term relationship, gotten used to being alone, re-found my appreciation of alone-time... I think I'm bordering on content. I have enough contact with other people most of the time, that I'm not going nuts (althought there was a time during the holidays that I was suffering). I am enjoying being single, I don't feel the need to have that kind of relationship, possibly because I think I would lose more than I gain.
I've rediscovered so many of the simple things I used to enjoy but havn't been able to do for so long, skills I somehow lost are returning, I have opportunity to do many of the things I enjoy.
I don't even have time to do a bit of everything I like/want to do, so if I was in a relationship, I would have even less time to do those things.
I have the opportunity to pursue my own personal growth, and concentrate on raising my daughter to the best of my abilities. Both things that a relationship would probably distract me from.

To be honest, the thought of having a relationship actually scares me. I guess that could be considered a bad thing, but I guess as long as I'm happy, its not a problem.
In my experience, relationships don't provide me with long term happiness, so what's the point?
I have my special girl, who gives me so much joy, as she learns and grows and develops her wonderful (and often challenging) personality...
We have become so close since its been just us, and I wouldn't change the way we are for anything.
I have few friends, but I know those I have appreciate my friendship. They make an effort, and so do I, balance in such things is important to me.
I do feel I lack a "best friend" at the moment, as someone who I did think filled that role has pretty much slipped out of my life for the moment.. But I am patient and I'm sure someone else I can *click* with will come along in time.

So.. In my personal/social/emotional life, I conclude that I am relatively content, for the moment... Which is nice. Of course I have moments, hours, days here and there when I do not feel so good, when I am lonely and/or depressed and/or angry... But they are the exception rather than the rule so I can deal with that.

Finances on the other hand, are a completely different matter!!!

Reality?

Once upon a time, I was a good person.
Then I felt the need to experience what it was like to be a bad person.
So people came into my life to help me learn what it was to be a bad person, and I was. I experienced that.
Then I decided it was time to end that.
And someone came into my life who wanted to change me into what she thought was a good person. And I let her.
But she had only her own interests at heart and warped me to suit those interests.
What she created was not truly good, and not what she truly wanted, deep down. So she was not happy.
She could not sustain what she had created, as it did not suit her needs, no matter how hard I tried. So she looked elsewhere, neglecting and abusing her creation.
So she looked elsewhere, and eventually abandoned what she had created.
I have experienced so much, allowed others to guide me, mould me, into what they wanted, in the pursuit of experience, knowledge, understanding...
That I no longer know who, what I am.
I am a combination of experiences so diverse that a single personality cannot express them all.

I am the good person
I am the bad person
I am the many people that have been created to suit others
I am, as I have always been... A figment of your imagination.
But I do not know, who is the real person.

I think I need a brain transplant

Why am I here?
Well first... For your benefit.. Where am I?
Physically, on top of a big 'sandhill' which was quite a strenous walk. Which leads me to realise just how unfil I am!
Psychologically, I'm not sure where I am. Lost in thought, as I always seem to be... So many trails of thought at the same time I get lost in them. I think too much...
Why am I here? I needed a change of scenery, a quiet place to think, I needed to be near nature, needed that peaceful feeling I only get in natural places.
This place isn't ideal, but it's close enough for now.
One of my more constant trails of thought is becoming a bit of a pain in the ass.. A problem...
I keep thinking about a friend I am missing, keep living little scenarios in my head of seeing her, or her visiting unexpectedly, talking, whatever... And I keep telling myself STOP IT! (out loud O_o) But it doesn't stop.
I care about her a lot, she is one of my best friends. About a month back, after we'd been spending a lot of time together, she suddenly seemed to start avoiding me. I know she is going through some hard personal times and I respect that but its driving me nuts and I don't understand why I can't just stop worrying about it, obsessing about it, and either wait it out patiently or cut my losses and simply move on.
Lack of closure I guess... Not knowing why, if I did something, or if there is some other reason I don't know of... Not knowing how long it will continue, how long should I 'wait'?

It is so distracting... It doesn't just sit in the back of my mind it sits in the FRONT and I can't push it back... It keeps me from doing other things I need or want to do because I cannot focus my thoughts on anything else.
I don't know what to do, if I should do anything, and I wish I could just stop thinking about it!!

Caring.

Sometimes I am shocked to discover that people care about me.
I don't know why it shocks me, I am aware that I am not a bad person and therefore it is logical that people would care but still, for some reason, it surprises me.
Sometimes I discover that people worry about me, who I did not realise were even so aware of me, paying attention, noticing... It is difficult for me to understand.
But it feels nice, to know that people care, to know people worry. (Does that make me an attention seeker?) At the same time though, I feel guilty. As if I believe that I should not burden them with concern about me, and so, much of the time, I do not openly express myself. Except when I write and even then it is sometimes cryptic with metaphors and crude imagery, due to my state of mind and habitually ingrained need for secrecy.

It is very rare for me to be truly open with anyone. To show them my fears and insecurities... I don't mean the surface anxities, but the deep fears that I barely understand myself.
Anyone that has seen me show fear of anything has seen a vulnerability, a weakness, that I prefer to pretend does not exist. Those people, unless they just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time... Should know that I trust them more than most.
Recently someone I trust had a glimpse of my fear but I doubt she had any idea what the real fear was, beneath the surface incident that exposed it.

(Click to see large...)
Feeling a little crazy today.. Certainly not myself.. Who? No idea.. It feels good to let go and allow that crazy feeling to take over, not safe.. But good.. Like a drug.. Hope I come down soon though... Life is waiting for me.. If you can call it life...

a subject for further contemplation

I don't think I'm happy unless I am miserable
does that make sense?

...

That is all.

love...

Is true love a real thing or simply a well disguised illusion? If it is real, I don't believe I've ever experienced it.
I'm not referring to love of family or love of friends here... Those are undoubtedly real, at least for most people... I mean being 'in love'.
I think a lot of things get confused for love... Lust would of course be the most well known... That I have experienced and probably have mistaken for love... But also pity and sympathy... A strong desire to help someone, especially if it has developed over time... Empathic love, loving someone because they desire to be loved so strongly...
But thats not true love is it? is that what love is?
Love seems to be in fact a great weakness,when it is portrayed as a great strength.
Causes people to do stupid things, distracts people from important tasks and aspects of life. A chemical inbalance? An illness? Is that what 'true' love is?
Or is that lust?
How do you know what it is without having experienced it? Can you experience it without knowing? How do you know if it is real or not?
Maybe its just me... Maybe I'm not capable of true love, only all those other illusions...
Sometimes I am extremely rational, I can't even have a panic attack properly, it halts in its tracks as soon as my brain kicks in and starts rationalising it...
Yet I am very emotional... Emotions effect me strongly and even as they flood over me I analyse them...
If love is based on emotion, but I over rationalise emotion until it becomes meaningless... Perhaps that makes it impossible for me to truly love, like that.

This is what happens at 2am after hours of insomnia due to thinking too much.. I write, and this kinda shit comes out.... I don't neccesarily remember any of it when I wake...

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Actions speak louder than words.
The consequences of some actions cannot be undone by any number of words, and require an even creater action to repair the damage.
But sometimes words can be almost as damaging as actions, especially when the two are combined.
Some consequences can never be repaired at all.
So how does one tell if something can be repaired or not? How hard and how long should you try to fix something before you declare it hopeless?
And then theres the other one... "Time heals all wounds". But does it really? Some wounds are fatal aren't they, so I guess not. But if there is a wound that hasn't killed, will it heal eventually or do some wounds continue to fester forever? What if the wound starts out small and gets infected...
Words can act like bandages and actions like antibiotics, perhaps... But not all wounds can be healed even with bandages and antibiotics. Some are infected by something that can never be exterminated and will slowly eat away at you until you can no longer survive it.
Is there no situation you cannot escape from? Is there really a way out of everything? Perhaps the only thing there is no escape from is death, which is the ultimate escape in itself, really... The ultimate end and the ultimate beginning all wrapped up in one infintessimal moment.
But what do you do if you feel like you are in a situation in which there is no escape that will not cause you to have a wound that will never heal? How do you know which way to turn, which wound to suffer?
Look to those around you.
Look after the ones who truly care for you, because love can heal much more than time can, and if you can escape from the situation and still have love, you know you have the best chance of survival. Nevermind the quantity of love, its the quality that matters. The strength of the support, having someone to listen, the avaliability of hugs, the helping hand and the shoulders to lean on while you recover.
What if you hurt those who you share love with? What if your words or actions or both combined wound them? What do you do then?
What if you tried to avoid it but you slipped with a metaphorical knife in your metaphorical hand and wounded them? Wounded your love?
Do you try to repair their wound? Do they want your love now or will they push you away? If they Push you away how hard do you try to repair the wound? Do you look for new love elsewhere, starting from scratch? Will your efforts to heal only do more damage? How do you know what do you do? And is this how you find yourself in the situations that there seems to be no escape from?
You've just gone round in a circle and ended up back where you started, alone and confused and hurting. Why? Did you try too hard? Did you love too much? Did you try to help where help wasn't wanted?
It doesn't matter why. What matters is that you're so caught up in your feelings you are unable to think about anything else, the wound is festering, the infection is deep, you need the love to heal but you've damaged the love and now you're slowly dying inside.
So you give up and lay down and just wait... Wait for death or love to come to you, whichever happens first, and you accept it.

New webpage on the way...

I found out yesterday that my old webpage is going to vanish from the face of the internet. My first webpage, my past thoughts, feelings, pain, hope.... etc...
The service which hosts it is shutting down later this year.
I'm glad I found out before it happened as I don't really have a backup of the page i created 3 or 4 computers ago LOL...
So, I've been downloading all the pages, so that I don't lose them, and decided I will create a new webpage. When I have it up and running, with all the old stuff, I will probably transfer all the posts on this blog onto it also.

I'm undecided whether or not to delete this after I've got the other one running.. If anyone cares either way, please comment :)

Also, any suggestions for title of the new webpage are welcome... I've noticed in my past writings as i downloaded them several references to Phoenix - "the phoenix rises again" type phrases which I found amusing as I have used the same phrases in my recent thoughts and conversations lol, so i wondered if I should incorporate that.
Just doesn't seem right to keep the old webpage name, when so much of my life has changed.

Freedom?

She's finally gone, thank goodness... I can stop pretending I don't hate her for what she did to me.
Its not the fact that she left me that hurts, or the fact that she left me for another woman... No, its the way she treated me.
Not just before, but during the last 3 weeks, when her girlfriend was here and they were staying at her mothers house, I tried so hard to just get things sorted out, while working, studying and adjusting to being a single mum...
But they made things difficult at every turn. Rent is two weeks late because she had the money that should have been for me and our child, I even packed up all her stuff to help and she didn't even have the decency to move it out while I was here, instead bringing HER into MY house while I was working and studying. Left everything that needed to be done to the last minute, making my stress levels soar...
Saying she wants to talk to me, saying she wants to be my friend, but never actually doing it, or acting like it.
Blaming the new gf, of course, always there are excuses, but the day before they met she said 'we will be friends, I'll catch up with you for coffee sometimes before I go, and she'll just have to deal with it" So what happened to that huh? Not that I really wanted to, but she could have treated me better throughout the whole thing, at least shown some respect for me. Dealt with things that needed to be done.
I'm not surprised. I should have known, I probably did know, really... But respect and a little consideration is all I wanted from her, and she couldn't even give me that.

But now I am free...
Free to pay off a few debts she helped create, free to raise a child alone that we both committed to, free to feed her fucking cats until she decides she'd like to come back to australia...
But free to spend my time doing what I like (within reason... child considered), free to make my own choices, free to make something of my life, decide where my money is spent... Free.

I met her...

I met her yesterday, they had the kid for a couple of hours and were having a coffee when I met them to take her... She looked quite apprehensive as I walked up I'm not sure what she expected...
I said hi, she said hi back... Then sat there looking like she would to dissapear into the seat... I chatted to my ex for a bit... Then said "long flight eh?" "Yes, very long" she replied, continuing to look like she would like very much to become invisible.
Obviously no point in this, I thought, so after a little more chatter, I said "I'll leave yas to it then" and wandered off with our daughter, to meet a friend.
I found the whole thing quite amusing... I actually felt a little sorry for her, she was so awkward. I was quite pleased however to discover that she's quite ugly.. Well, in my opinion at least, although I've heard I'm not the only one who thinks she's nothing special...

I'm now going through the process of talking to some of our mutual friends, the ones that I have always liked and considered friends of my own as well as hers, establishing a relationship with people I've never spoken to alone before... Its extremely relieving to find that they consider me a friend also, and would like to get to know me better as a person, not just a partner of a friend.
Its nice to be able to talk about the things that she never liked me talking about.. My past before I met her, my writing, my drawing...
And of course, while its probably not the nicest thing to do (although the less rational more emotional side of me says well fuck it, she deserves no better), its nice to be able to be open with people who know her, about what our relationship was really like... The things no one ever saw, or saw but didn't understand.
I don't want to turn her friends against her, I'm not like that... But what she did to me, they don't agree with anyway, and I need to talk about it. If they're willing to listen, they can take from that what they like. Its not as if she can't tell them her side of the story and while I speak of her 'bad points', I don't intend to make her look like an awful person... She has problems, and I'm sure (and hope) that these friends recognise that and take it into account in the matter and hope, as I do, that things work out for her, and that she grows and learns from the experiences she has had/is having/will have.

deviant Art... and She's flying in today!

I joined deviant Art a few days ago... Theres some awesome stuff on there, literature, traditional art, graphic art...
I thought it'd be cool to put some of my own art up there, and have also added some of my old poetry and writing.
I will gradually add all my old favorites, and any of my art that I have pictures of, but there is a lot I can't get up there yet because I still have no access to the hard drive on my dead computer, which holds my scanned drawings...
Plus, I don't want to install my scanner software on this laptop as it is borrowed and the software has a lot of junk that I really don't want to have to mess around uninstalling when I have to give the laptop back..
So for now I'm just putting the old stuff that I have access to through other places I have uploaded it.

The other woman is flying in today. My ex has taken the bus to Perth to meet her. Still a few hours till the plane gets in, and I think I'm almost as apprehensive as they are both nervous.
The other woman has been so paranoid, she was freaking out thinking she was going to get off the plane and no one wold be there to meet her lol...
My ex is simply anxious that she won't like her, or that they won't get on, that the chemistry will be lacking, etc...
I was amused and saddened (funny how conflicting emotions can be caused by one thing) last night to see how much effort she was going to on her appearance trying to make a good first impression... She actually purchased an eyelash curler! In the 6 years that I have known her, she has never had or shown interest in an eyelash curler.
I am amused by the effort she is going to, I am saddened because she never went to that much effort over her appearance for me.
Of course I suppose I never encouraged her to either... I always told her I was happy with her however she looked, that it was *her* I loved not her appearance. Told her she didn't need to shave her legs (I prefer hair to prickles) etc...

They're both nervous, of course, but so am I!
Obviously not the same... But my future hinges on this meeting as much as theirs does. If they hit it off and she flies to england, I can get on with my life without her trying to influence and control me.
Even if we didn't live together she would try to manipulate and control aspects of my life through our daughter, and using her as an excuse.
She's even said to me that if she does go over there and she hears that I've gone out and gotten drunk, even just once, she will take measures to have our daughter removed from my care.
Thats fucked up.
So I can't leave her in the care of someone responsible and trustworthy and go out and maybe have a few too many drinks with friends or whatever... I mean I don't intend on drinking a lot or anything anyway... I have a responsibility. Its the principle of the thing!
Sometimes its nice to have a few too many drinks, blow some steam off, release some stress... And goodness knows I've had a lot of problems and trauma lately and I could really use a night out.. Just once, to get it out of my system.
But even if I didn't get drunk, if I just went out and had a few drinks with friends every now and then, I would live in constant fear that someone she knows would 'report' back to her, and they may exaggerate, or she might over react, and then a mountain could be created from a molehill and goodness knows what could happen.

So imagine what life would be like if she doesn't go to england, even if we don't continue to live together (which she wants to if she doesn't go), I would live in constant fear that she is monitering me, she would be manipulating me at every opportunity... If we remain friends, she will try to control my relationships, tell me who I can be friends with and who is 'no good', use our daughter... "I don't want that person around our daughter" is a statement I could expect to hear constantly about anyone she doesn't like, even if they're perfectly nice responsible people.
Even if we didn't remain friends I could expect that.

So I hope she goes.... If she doesn't, my life won't get much better. It might get worse.

I succumbed to the urge to harm myself recently.. nothing major.. I heard something I didn't like.. It made me very angry, partly at myself.

Now that I'm up to date...

Ok, I've posted most of what I wrote while I had no access to a computer...
I would have written more but I've had very little free time, and when I have never alone for any length of time. Between studying and work I have been running myself into the ground... Trying to do what I need to do for me and earning enough money so that I don't get left with debt..
So now that I am up to date... A current post!

Well, theres 6 days until the other woman flies over from Blackpool, then they will stay in a hotel in Perth for 2 days, then stay at my ex-inlaws new house for the remainder of the 3 weeks she is here... Assuming all goes well.
If things do go well, and she can overcome her fear of flying, they will both fly back to england.
She purchased her ticket a week or two ago. They had been fighting a lot up until then because the other woman was so scared she was going to get hurt, that she was being paranoid and picking fights and kinda pushing her away... They've only had minor issues since she purchased her ticket... Amazing what difference feeling secure can make, eh?
She still talks about everything as "if" though, not when... She is worried that the other woman won't find her attractive when they meet, that she will be disgusted by her, because she is overweight. She is also worried that one or both of them will be different or feel different in person, and that they will not have the same chemistry...
I'm worried about all those same things! Hahaha....
Plus a few she hasn't seemed to think of...

While I hope they work out and she flies back over there... Something in my gut tells me they won't. That in those 3 weeks, they will discover that they should never have ben more than friends, and then I'll not have my freedom, because I'm too nice to say well too bad, I don't want to live like this anymore, because I'll give up and settle back into the depressed caged animal I have gotten so used to being over the years...
That I'll spend the rest of my life hating myself, feeling ashamed and stupid and weak.

I like to think that I'll be able to do what I need to do if she doesn't go, that I'll be able to take control of my life... But I am so scared that when it comes to the crunch... I'll just crumble.

And so, I continue to hope and wish that they work, and she goes, and I can get on with my life without that dead weight dragging me down.

written 22/2/09

She keeps telling me that she misses me, that she cares more about me than the other woman, she's just going through the motions... I think she's convinced herself that I do still love her and that things will work out fine after the other woman has 'come and gone'. That I am pretending not to love her because its the only way I can deal with it, or something.
She says she probably won't 'be able' to have feelings for/have sex with the other woman because she'll be thinking of me. But I don't want that. I want her to want to be with her, I want them to be together so I can be alone.
I hate myself for being here, for being so weak. I want to cut because of it. I havn't yet. But I think I might eventually.
If she convinces me to try again, or even just if she stays here living with me, loving me, and I keep 'looking after' her, I will always hate myself for not being strong enough to leave when I had the perfect opportunity.
Its pathetic that I can't do this for myself.
I'm pathetic, I hate myself.

That part of me that hates her grown everytime she tells me she loves me, that she cares for me more than she cares for her, while she has a picture of her on her phone wallpaper that I see many times a day, and a photo in her purse, on display. It makes me angry.
It makes me angry that she expects me to pretend we are still together around her friends and out families.
I resent the fact that she expects me to wait, not 'go looking for someone else', as if our relationship is in a coma and will wake up soon.
I hate that I still have to look after her, that her anxiety affects my life, my classes, my work...
I am frustrated that our money is shared and I have very litle say in where the bulk of it goes, and that the phone bills are so rediculously high from calling england and my money has to help pay that.

My life right now is a lie...

(written somewhere between the 16/2/09 and the 21/2/09)

Her status message on MSN "busy with my babe... if I don't return your IM don't get offended".
Once upon a time this would have bothered me for totally different reasons...
Now I can't help but wonder how many people know who she is talking about, who her 'babe' is...
It drives me nuts that I have to pretend we are still together around our (her) friends and family... And why?
Because she wants to keep up appearances. Just in case we get back together eventually. And so she can feel more confident that I'm not going to find someone else.
Because our relationship is 'important to people' as if that should matter. Why should we be some kind of figurehead for everyone? It's all a lie.
While I'm willing to wait until she has met the other woman to see if things work out with them and then figure out if we continue to live together, I fail to see how this charade benefits anyone. Well, other than her.... Since she feels the need to keep her options open... Of course she has the added benefit of me still 'looking after' her, being able to keep tabs on me, etc...
Aaargh! It's frustrating. I shouldn't have to live like this and if I could just be a cunt for once I wouldn't.
Thing is, if she continues to make me live like this I won't be able to live with her.
I'm single goddamnit, but still living like I am her partner... No, her carer... I'm itching to live my life but all I have is a big lie, I'm still in a web, trapped, each time I pick myself off one strand, another entangles me.
I hope so badly that her and the other woman work out and she takes her away from me, because I feel like without that I will never truly be free.

also written 15/2/09

My confidence that they will work out, that their meeting will be a success, is waning. Well, it sometimes receives a boost and I think they will be ok, but overall, there is a lot of doubt.
Obviously this comes from what she tells me, how she is feeling, about her and me. She has a lot of disputing feelings within her, because she kinda wants both of us now.
In some ways, a friends interference has caused this problem. Because it forced her in a way, to talk to me, about why she stopped loving me before... Forced her to stop bottling up that hurt, that fear. Forced her to listen to my responses and understand some things about both of us and why certain things happened, and maybe forgive me and let go of that hurt she was holding onto.
In doing so, she once again seems to have feelings for me.
She sees me not as a person who has hurt her, but the person she loved before she felt hurt. But this all happened too late for her to be able to end things with the other woman without meeting her 'to see'.
But I don't believe she loves me like she thinks she does. I believe she wants to, that she has convinced herself that she does, because she wants my support, and wants life to be simple, and staying with me would be simpler than going with her.
Also, (the other womans) mood swings, jealousy, insecurity, fear, have been causing them to fight a lot.
The combination of her being so unsure about (the other woman), and her now having these feelings about me, may affect their meeting. She says she might not be able to 'do anything' with her because of her feelings for me. Before, it probably wasn't true, wasn't a real issue, but I worry now that it might be.

written 15/2/09

I find it difficult to stay on track when I am writing.
If I am trying to record some particular aspect of my life, or feelings, such as trying to express ow things are at the moment,I branch off into my feelings and fears.
But that is how it has always been.
It's like I am following a path of thought, and it branches out at many places. Each time it forks I have to choose a path and follow it. Which is frustrating! I wish I could grow an extra me to follow each other path each time, so I could follow all these trails of thought without missing so much!
As I choose and follow each path, my mind continues to think about the other path for a short while, before concentrating on the path I have chosen and sometimes it looks interesting and I almost regret choosing the one I did. But its too late to turn back, as that other path fades away too quickly.

At the moment most of all of my thoughts and feelings, and therefore, my writing, is pretty much based around one basic topic, which is, of course, my current situation.. Which isn't so basic...
Even thoughts that need not have anything to do with it are shadowed, affected by this. Every thoughts has a kind of underlying 'and this relates to my situation, affects my situation, in this way'.
Which is frustrating. I'm so sick of it. Sick of thinking about it and going around in circles. Sick of feeling like I am stuck in some kind of limbo and cannot move on
If someone could read my thoughts, I'm sure they would be as utterly sick of it as I am, and I'm sure my friends who I talk to about it all are completely sick of hearing about it lol.
I must be so boring right now with my total self-involvement.
I feel so selfish in my thoughts and conversation.
And no amount of writing will eliminate it from my head, because I am too weak to remove myself totally fom the situation, despite it all, I care too much about someone elses feelings.

written 13/2/09

Ok I have borrowed a laptop from my mother and in the meantime I've been writing... So I have some catching up to do... When possible (when I've remembered to note it) I will include the date, in an attempt to keep it all making sense...
So here's the first...

Ok so... We are just friends; 'best friends' but no more than that, which was a decison I had to make, because she wouldn't, or couldn't.
I am not in love with her anymore. I care for her as a friend, as someone I have been through a lot with, etc... But the thought of being closer to her than a hug, anything affectionate, disgusts and scares me.
I think the scared part of that is mad up of two feelings. Obviously I don't want to be too close and give her the wrong idea. I am scared that she wil think I want her back. Which I don't.
The second part is a little embarassing. I can't masturbate - never have ben able to, although I have tried, of course, I can't acheive anything other than frustration.
So I have a couple of years (thats how long its been since I had anything close to a sexual climax) of sexual frustration built up, and part of me is scared that if she tried, I'd have a hard time saying no!
I know if I did it wouldn't be worth it. I would feel dirty, and probably wouldn't be satisfied anyway, I know from experience.
On top of that, it wouldn't mean anything. It would be just sex, without love, and once again I wouldn't want to give her the wrog idea.
I know I don't want her back. I don't think I ever will.
Because as far as I am concerned, she has been unfaithful to me, and I cannot forgive that. I gave her many a chance to end it, and she blew it. She shared sexual experiences with another(several others), that she would never have shared with me. Regardless of whether a physical connection occurs, the emotional, sexual connection is there, and not with me.
She doesn't seem to be able to understand that. She thinks the physical sex is all that 'counts'. But I asked her a long time ago never to do that, I warned her, so she knew it meant something to me (which is why she lied about it for so long).

I want her to be happy, but not at my expense.
For 5 years I have put my own personal development on hold for her. I've had no friends of my own, hadn't even spoken to my parents without her supervision. Always helping her, supporting her, trying to help her recover from her seemingly neverending psychological and psysical problems.
It was hard, stressful. Part of me always resented the situation and so I made mistakes, some of which made her worse, some of which made her seek support elsewhere... Online.
But throughout it all, I was faithful. Even when I knew she wasn't. Which only made my resentment worse.
All that has happened recently, her lies, her plans, her refusal to change her plans and/or end it... The final straw.
I want my life back.
I don't want to be her carer, I don't want my every action, word to be analysed and judged by how it relates to or effects her.
I don't want to be held responsible for her mistakes.
I don't want to hear excuses all thetime, I don't want to accept them.
I want to come and go as I please, study something I enjoy so I can have a career I want.
I want to be free.

I always had hope... That she would get better, that things would change... That I would one day have a normal life.
But things just got worse. Sometimes they would improve, but it never lasted. Just often enough to give me some hope, enough to keep going.
Towards the end it was confusing because things seemed to be getting better and worse at the same time.
I was getting certain freedoms, but losing other things, like intimacy, time... I was able to talk to people online, make friends, but my life- when we could go out, when we had to be home, when I had time online, when i spent time with her... Were all dictated by when her 'friend' of the time was online.

computer is dead

my computer died a few days ago so its a bit hard to post right now...

I'll try to sneak some in at my classes this week

Still Cruisin'

yes I'm still here, no there hasn't been any posts for a while... I've not had a lot of time, let alone time to myself, this past week, I've been working, on my head and on paper when I can, on a new post, which I will type up when I have time.
My studies have been keeping me busy, and when I am home, she wants to spend time with me, plus, she isn't as busy herself, due to (the other woman) having had something happen that is keeping her busy (more on that later) so she's lonely and bored.
Its easier to spend that time with her than fight lol...
Things have been ok for the most part, with a few hiccups and minor fireworks... One thing I will say though, is that I have been happier than her. I have been happy most of the time in fact.. But she has not.
When I do get a proper post typed up, its likely to be a long one, so be prepared!
Trying to decide whether it would be easier for readers if I do one long post, or break it into several smaller ones...
Anyway.. I've only got a few minutes right now so I just thought I'd let the people who do read this know that I'm ok :P

PS 23 visitors!? wow... I wish I knew how many of you know me lol, I know I've not told that many people about this blog myself...
Wonder how many have looked more than once, too lol

Fighting

Yesterday I was having a private conversation online with a friend. I feel I have a right to privacy, I'm technically single right now, I should be able to talk about whatever I want, with whoever I want, without fear of judgement or interrogation.. Shouldn't I?

Well anyway.. She woke up, and wandered out to talk to me.. I said brb in the chat window, and closed it.. While she was talking to me, looking at everything on my screen (and making judgements on people she didn't know from forum posts I was reading that had nothing to do with her), the reply 'kk' came back from my friend.
She asked what it was about.. I said I just said brb, she said kk.
"Where are you going?" she half-laughed then.. "Or are you talking about me... What are you talking about?"
"Its private" I replied.
She got a bit angry.. "What are you talking about that is private from me? We're supposed to be best friends, be honest with each other... Are you talking about me?"
To be honest, I was actually talking with my friend about feelings we have for each other, the possibility of exploring those feelings in the future... We were being affectionate... But I don't think she is ready to hear about that yet, considering she still wants to hide the fact that we have broken up from our RL friends and family, so I lied. I said yes, I'm talking about you, but it is a private conversation!
She was not impressed... Wanted to know what I was saying about her that she wouldn't like.
I got a bit angry myself.. I said I think I have the right to have private conversations, all things considered! I don't come and stare at your screen reading all your private conversations!
She got angry and brought up the whole me reading her chat logs issue (which I don't do anymore) and recording her. Apparently she had opened one of the recordings from my recent documents list one day when she was using my computer for something.
She asked me how I recorded her, and why, I told her how... Then I told her why. I said the lies were driving me crazy, literally, I was obsessed, I had to know the truth and she wasn't telling me, so I went to any lengths I could to find the truth.
She asked why I was reading chat logs with other people not just (the other woman) and I explained that I knew she was lying to her about some things too (like that we were seperated), so I was looking to see if I could find out *who* she was lying to about what...
She told me thats like stalking... I agreed. It was.. But if I hadn't done it I would have ended up killing myself, I needed the truth, because the lies hurt more than the truth. I said I stopped, as soon as she stopped lying to me.
As for what I talked about regarding her... I said I talk about how I'm feeling, etc.. She said why can't I talk about that with her? What am I saying that I don't want her to know... She wanted an example. I was angry at that point, so I came out with something along the lines of "If you must know, I talk about how I get scared, that you and her won't work out and then you'll try to have me back! That idea hurts me, because I am not in love with you anymore!"
She seemed to calm down a bit then... She said "so when you say maybe one day way down the track... You don't mean that?"
I replied "When I say that I mean a very long way down the track, and its a big maybe, because at the moment, I cannot see it happening, don't want it to happen. Why do you think I try so hard to help you deal with her? I told you, you're all hers, didn't I? I meant it. I want you to work out."

So we had the usual conversation about how she doesn't want to lose my friendship and wants to be able to trust me, that I know she is paranoid and hiding things from her makes it worse... I said when I talk about her its not all bad, I'm not trying to make her look bad, its usually about how I feel and trying to figure out what to do... But I need that privacy, because sometimes I am talking about something private to me, or private to the other person.
Obviously I apologised for the whole stalking thing :P

I don't think she will be comfortable with the privacy thing for a while yet, might take a few fights, lol...

She had a bad day with the other woman too... She is going nuts from jealousy... She doesn't like that we spend time together, that we still live together...
She doesn't trust me, not that she really needs to, it is her girlfriend she should be trusting... She projects a persona onto me that isn't me.. Doesn't matter how many times she is told that I am being supportive, that I don't want my ex back, etc... She is still so insecure that she gets angry every day.
Apparently she hates me, doesn't want to talk to me. I suggested that if she did talk to me then maybe I could put her mind at rest.. Tell her I want them to work out, because I want to be able to get on with my own life. But my ex doesn't seem to even consider it.

Its a shame, because I would like to help... What the other woman doesn't realise is all she is doing is pushing her away... Back to me, if I would have her. The silly bitch has no idea that I am trying to HELP her, trying to repair damage that she does with her mood swings and anger and jealousy.
Kinda ironic, huh.

Realisation

Last night, the chicken I got out of the freezer for dinner didn't look and smell quite right... So we gave it to the dog and bought take-away.
After eating, she said she ate too much, that she felt sick, felt like throwing up... She often eats too much and complains when we have junk food so I didn't think much of it at first...
I reassured her a few times, its ok, one night off from your diet, one meal, is ok, no need to be upset about it, that sort of thing...
But I noticed after a little while that she was still moaning a bit, I looked over at her and she was looking quite distressed, sweating, writhing... I realised that she was actually having a bit of an anxiety attack.
I said oh my god why are you letting this bother you so much?
Are you actually anxious!? She covered her face and shuddered.
I asked her why, I asked if it was guilt, she nodded, still with her eyes covered and lip quivering.
Why? I asked.. What is wrong? Why is this bothering you so much?
She said she shouldn't have fucked up, that she has been so good, she was so good at lunch, she shouldn't have had any crap, she shouldn't have eaten so much, she shouldn't have fucked up.
I spent some time trying to calm her down, telling her it was ok.. One meal isn't the end of the world!
Then I twigged. 'It's her isn't it, you're getting this upset because of her?'
She started crying, nodding....
Took a while, but got her talking... Apparently (the other woman) gets very angry if she eats too much, so angry that she is scared?
I am a bit worried about her.. She has had eating disorders before, bulimia and anorexia, and it seems that her fear of (the other woman)'s wrath may be heading her back into one. She needs to lose weight, but she should be doing it healthily, for herself, because she wants to... Not because she is scared of someones anger.
And there seems to be a lot of things she does or says to avoid that anger.
I told her... That while its good that she wants to lose weight, good that she is making the effort, she needs to be careful, and not let (the other woman) hurt her, make her sick.
Which upset her more.
We talked for quite some time, I think she has finally realised what she has done. Realised that she really has lost my love, and regrets it.
She is having second thoughts about (the other woman) because she is scared that she will always have to be the understanding one, the supporter, the submissive... Which is Karma at its finest, in a way, because she is finding herself in the role that I have always had with her.
Always understanding but never understood. Always scared of the wrath, always backing down, agreeing to things on the outside, but not on the inside, but all the while, scared to stand up for oneself in case it would be a mistake.

She also has a problem with their plans for the future assuming things work out in person... (the other woman) insists that she flies back with her when she returns... But she is terrified of flying, and while she is telling her that although she is scared, of course she will get on that plane for her... She doesn't know if she will be able to.

She said she doesn't know how she got into this mess, that it was a game that went too far... That up until the plane ticket was booked, it somehow wasn't real, and now that its real, and its getting closer, she is realising just what she has done, how much she has thrown away. She said she has nothing, that she has thrown everything away. She was talking about our relationship.

I told her that she does not have nothing, that things have changed, are changing, but it does not mean she has nothing... Simply that what she does have is different. That she still has me, but in a different way. She still has her family, and so on... She still said she has nothing.
I feel sorry for her, but it doesn't change the way I feel.
She said she doesn't know if she really wants to be with (the other woman), she doesn't think (the other woman) can give her what she needs, that she will have to do all the giving. They fight every day.. While she understands that things might be different in person, with less insecurity, etc... She is still scared that she has made the wrong choice. At the moment she thinks there is a large chance she has (she put it at about 60% lol).

After all this talking, during which she was upset most of the time... We went to bed, as it was late... She put her head on me and cried, for over an hour. Full on sobbing, shaking, crying... I had to change my shirt afterwards, it was saturated.
She cried until she was exhausted, she had a headache... The whole time I was thinking... It has finally hit her.. She's realised whats happened, that it is real... She is mourning our relationship. I told her this morning that that is what I think she was doing and she said yes, I am probably right.
Feeling sorry for her, I tried to ease her headache my massaging her sinuses, which almost made her upset again.
Eventually she fall asleep.

This morning she confirmed my theory that she has realised that I am not in love with her anymore.
But still she said maybe when all this is over, in time, we can have what we once had again. She said that she didn't realise what she had until it was gone, that she is seeing why she fell in love with me in the first place, that she couldn't see it for a long time, but now she can... She thinks she may have made a mistake, but that maybe (the other woman) came into her life to help her change and realise that she could be happy with me.
It hurts me when she says these things... Because I don't want that. I honestly don't believe that she can change so much that it wouldn't be the same all over again... I am not in love with her anymore, and I don't think I ever will be. I don't want her to try to have me back. I want my life to be simple.
I'm sick of it being so damn complicated, and with her... It always would be.

Plans for Seperation

The 'just friends' thing seems to be working out ok so far...
She has asked me if I missed her after work, I'm not sure if that was some kind of test, to see if I really meant it, or just her wanting to feel special. She likes to feel special. I told her 'in a friend way'.
Last night she asked what was going to happen after 'the visit' if she didn't go with the other woman... I said we will just have to see, but I honestly don't think we should or can be more than friends again, because I don't love her that way anymore, and don't know if I ever could. Don't think I could. She said that she doesn't love me that way at the moment either. I'm not sure if she meant it, or if she was just saying it hoping it would hurt. I hope she meant it.
We agreed that if they did not end up working out, that we would continue to live together until the end of the lease on this house, if possible without problems.
For our daughters sake, and because neither of us have anywhere else to conveniantly go, nor can either of us afford to pay the rent alone.

I asked what her plans were if they did work out, said I kinda need to know, because we have to divide our stuff, our pets, figure out what to do about our daughter...
She agreed that we need to figure that out, especially when I pointed out that if she up and left, moved to England, or whatever, I would be left with a big mess to clean up.
She said that she would never have done it like that, that she doesn't want to screw me over, doesn't want to lose my friendship. I am the only person that understands her, who can understand her.... The only person that can ease her fears and tell her why she has those fears and the other woman would have to deal with her and I remaining friends.
Same goes for whoever I have a relationship with in the future.
Despite the problems that we had because we probably really never should have been more than friends, we have been through a lot together, we have been through a lot with each others families, so much that we consider each others family our own. Nothing and no-one can replace or dismiss what we have experienced together... Pain, loss, greif...

So anyway.. We spend quite some time discussing what will happen if they work out, who gets what, how to deal with the house, our child, our pets.
I also told her that I really hope things work out for her with the other woman, that it seems she might be better off with her.
She has a lot of doubts that it will though, which is probably why she was holding onto me so tightly, lying so much, when I was trying to pull away.
The other woman is a lot like me, apparently, but without the ability to understand others, and with an even worse temper.
She said she needs the understanding that only I seem capable of, needs me to calm her fears, help her through her anxiety.
I told her, that is something I can do as a friend, and in many ways might be able to do better that way. She looked as if that hadn't really occurred to her before. Looked relieved.

So it seems things are working out well now... We have established that we are better off as friends, started working out who gets what if we go our seperate ways, she knows I want her relationship with the other woman to work out, which should make it clear to her that I do not want her back.
And she seemed to deal with it all well. No anger, no lies, no desperation.
I feel good, happy.... It is a strange unfamiliar feeling.

Just Friends

Well a lot has happened, so this may be a long post...
I got up in the morning, thought I'd have a look at my clipped parts of chat logs, try to neaten them up a bit, was considering posting them here but I think thats probably a bit too... Well, too much.. Its bad enough that I post this stuff, really, posting chat logs in public would be a bit low, even for me.
Still half asleep, I double clicked it and went to have a smoke outside... Funny actually, I've never been that careless before...
Although I have thought about doing it on purpose, I've half hoped I would get caught, simply so that she would then know there was no point in hiding things from me.

Anyhow, I returned to my desk, and it wasn't on the screen. I assumed it just hadn't worked, this computer is so slow it doesn't realise I've clicked something half the time.
So I sat down and brought it up, was cleaning it up a bit and she sent me a message.. Asking what I'm doing.. I said I was waking up, having coffee etc.. Then she had a go at me for reading 'private conversations'...
So I explained that if she hadn't been hiding things from me, lying to me, which made me feel so sick I was unable to eat, I wouldn't have felt forced to go looking for the truth.
Of course she immediately went on the defensive, just in case, I guess, I hadn't read anything important?
Telling me how rude it is to pry into other peoples personal things, I pointed out that cheating on me and lying to me is more than a little rude...
Claims that she had been quite honest...
I said if you were honest you would admit that you are having a relationship with someone else, you wouldn't be telling me that we are together and her that we are not, and that you will move out when your parents house is built... You wouldn't still be being intimate with her...
Told her I won't look at her chat logs anymore... Because I've seen enough.
So she tries to fall back on her "I have a problem" defence... Claims that she was going to call up about therapy today...
Ugh its so hard to summarise all that was said, lol... Still tempted to paste the logs...

Well, a lot was said, anyway.
I told her she had to end it with the other woman, or end it with me. Told her that I will not share, and that maybe the other woman would be better for her than me, because I am too patient, too understanding, and I let her be the way she is when I should be kicking her up the ass to make her change.
I told her that at the moment, I cannot be more than a friend to her, because she has hurt me so much, of course she said that I have hurt her too, actually told me when and how which she has never done before (if she had told me at the time, several years ago, maybe this wouldn't have happened), apparently at one point I was angry and yelling all the time... And she was scared.
Anyway, we agreed that we have both broken each others hearts at some point... But what is done is done.
She tried the whole "if you love me like you say you do, you can wait and let me meet her, see if anything happens, which I'm sure it won't, I won't be able to because of you..." But I said if she is so sure, she should be able to end the relationship.
I pointed out that she has planned far into their future, she couldn't deny it anymore so she said it was in case they did work out.
I told her that with everything that has happened, the lies, cutting me out of everything online because the other woman wanted it that way, all that and more... Made the other woman her priority, not me, and if she couldn't end it, then I cannot be with her.
I said; "I care about you... but at the moment, only as a friend. It hurts to even think of you as more than that right now. Once she has been and gone, whatever happens... I cannot *guarantee* anything except friendship... even if you go with her, I will still be your best friend... If she would allow it.
cutting me off from anything online because of her, really hurt... that makes her your priority... you put so much energy into keeping her happy, totally crushing me, tossing aside my feelings
all for a "just in case"
so for the time being.... you're all hers."
She requested that I not go looking for anyone else, until it is all over... But I don't think she realises how much I don't love her right now... And it might be a little late for that. But I won't go into that right now, lol...

So she accepted that, more or less... Agreed that when we are being friends, we get on ok, when she is not lying, we don't fight so much, which is nice. We can have fun together. I said I think we are better as friends anyway...
So I asked some questions, since she now felt she could be honest with me, since we are friends and not a heartbroken couple with secrets and infidelity...
She answered them all well enough, although there were a couple I had to push for a straight answer, as she danced around telling the whole truth.. Habit I guess...
She tried to bait me at one point.. "I'm all hers, remember" Which I didn't react to, other than asking what that had to do with the current topic of conversation. Perhaps she was testing me, to see if I really meant it. Well I do really mean it, lol.

So I'm feeling kinda good at the moment... I have the truth (I think), I don't have to search for it anymore.
Part of me wants to tell her that even if nothing happened between them, I definitely wouldn't want her back, that I believe I would be happier without her, which is the truth, I mean I've had a rash, which I think is from stress, pretty much since I moved in with her 5 years ago... This whole mess has made it spread badly!
But I don't think she is ready for that. I've told her it is a possibility, that there is no guarantee that we will be more than friends again... For now, I'm just going to hope that her and the other woman hit it off, and live happily ever after, or at least happily for as long as I need to get out on my own and get my life on track without her so if she tries to come running back I can say are you kidding? Look at how much happier I am without you! Go learn how to live, how to love, get your head in order and make a life for yourself, because your future is not with me.

Stupid Work

Before I left for work today, she came out to say seeya (so that I wouldn't go in and make the other woman suspicious, I guess, considering she has been told that we have broken up and are just friends).
She said she was going to clean up a bit while I was at work, and finish going through her clothes which I got her to start doing yesterday. Of course I didn't believe her, I had already read the chat log which said she would have to wait till I left so I wouldn't hear them have sex.

lol... So I went to work... It was a very long 5 hours lol, had the most boring braindead task, so I was thinking too much, of course... Occasional moments of nausea...
I sometimes managed to get into the mindset "I'm not at home now, I don't need to think about/deal with this here, I can relax a little" a few times for short periods, but never lasted long.
Got home and whaddya know! Absolutely nothing done, no cleaning, nothing. Surprise!
She was half asleep on the bed.


P.S.... I notice theres been a new visitor (or at least someone who hasn't been here since I put the counter in), if you're someone I know, let me know who you are lol... If you come back :P

Crazy

I have to work today, she knows that, and has told (the other woman), who is very horny, that they should wait till I leave, because then she doesn't have to be quiet...
I wish I had a way of recording sound when I am not here, because it would be interesting to see how she is when I am not here, when she doesn't need to mumble, or be quiet during sex... But I can't think of anything! Perhaps I can buy something, to use another time, but its a shame to miss this opportunity as its the first time I've worked during their chat time, for quite some time.

The saddest thing is, I feel sorry for her... Because she is sick, psychologically. She always has been, sometimes she's improved for a time, but it always comes back.
I've always tried to help her, tried to be supportive, understanding... It has become such a habit that its hard to break, I can see whats going on, what she is doing, is hurting her... In more ways than one.. But she's dug herself such a deep hole she can't get out!
When (the other woman) visits... Well, I hope she really does care for her, that they both really care for each other, because if it isn't real, if it is one sided, they're going to have some major problems when she visits, and someones going to get hurt. Surely enough pain has come out of this?
I want to remove myself from this tangled web, but I have trouble doing so because I have this thing where I want to know the whole truth, but it seems impossible to find. The only truth I am sure of, is that she is psychologically unwell. I have no way of knowing if she is being honest with anyone! It is confusing and frustrating and throughout it all I feel pity for her, because she is sick.
But I don't think me being here is helping her, in leaving I might reduce the amount of lies she feels the need to tell, then she might feel less unhealthy and depressed and learn how to look after herself.
I feel awful, like I have failed somehow, as a partner, as a friend... I know I shouldn't, I know she is the one doing this, but she has a very good way of turning things around and blaming someone else, and it is often me. I've been pointing that out to her a lot lately, she does it even with little things. I don't know if it is stronger to stay, or to leave.. I think staying is stronger, because leaving is like running away, but at the same time... Leaving is so difficult, maybe that would be the stronger thing to do. Not that this matters... If I don't leave, I think I'll go crazy.. I already have gone a little crazy, I think... Spying, writing this blog, staying here as long as I have... Crazy.

I should have done this sooner....

Holy snapping dog shit would you believe theres 2 of them!
She's got a backup LOL...
A friend who she is in love with, confides in... But has told she can't be with until she knows what is happening with the first one, if it doesn't work out, she'll have a go with her, basically... In the meantime, she is cheating on the first one with the second!
She tells her that *I* want to work on our relationship, but doesn't mention that I have actually tried to break up with her, but she asks me to stay... Tells her that we are actually broken up, and she is moving in with her parents when their house is finished...
I mean for fucks sake, this really is getting rediculous... Anyhow in a fit of rage I sent the 2nd one a friend request on yahoo, with the message "She tells you and (the other woman) that we are broken up, why does she tell me we're together?"
Of course she will tell her about it and then shit will hit the fan and all hell will break loose.
Boy is that going to be fun.
I've also discovered that she is hiding money from me, in preparation for (the other woman)'s visit, and her ticket to move back over there...
She calls me a stupid bitch, makes a big deal over how she has certain things (bills etc) in my name and certain things in hers so that when we split, I'll get stuck with the internet contract and such, and she will have no worries...
Has told online friends that she is moving to birmingham, not that she might be, that she IS!

How do I know all this? Well, chat logs are great, aren't they?
I had thought about checking chat logs before, but I hadn't got around to it... I thought she chatted mostly on facebook (which has no logs as far as I know) when not on mic, but apparently not...

a bit of a random post

In continuation from the last post (I was interrupted yesterday when She decided to bring the laptop into the living area while she wasn't on mic).

I'm still listening to yesterday mornings recording... With the scared of flying discussion. The last significant thing I have picked from it is "No matter what happens I will get on that plane"

I had a dream last night that we broke up... She finally stopped pretending... It was a nice dream, not like the nightmare I had last week..
I can't remember much of it, because I think I fell back to sleep afterwards (goes to show it wasn't a nightmare). But it was like things should be...
She told me she was going to go, be with (the other woman), I basically said "I know, I've been waiting for you to get the guts up to tell me"
I think we discussed who gets what etc... But thats about all I remember. I just know I woke up thinking well that was nice....

Back to the recording... Quite a bit about flying, talked about my mother a bit... Talked about our foster daughter and how if it is easier for (the other woman) she won't 'bother'....
But then goes on the explain how she came to be in our care and that she is her parent, and asking how (the other woman) feels about being a step-mother. Saying that our breakup is no different to a straight couple with kids splitting up... But to see how they go... If she isn't comfortable with it...
I gather she is trying to convince (the other woman), to let her have shared custody, even if it is something like every 2nd weekend.
She is also telling her that the kid likes her... As if she doesn't like pretty much anyone that looks familiar that she sees a lot.

They also spoke quite a bit about having their own children... Whether to use a doner (the same guys we had thought about and asked previously in fact) or sperm bank/IVF...

Omg I just LOL'd because she was telling (the other woman) what she would be doing today... "going through my clothes, organising them... maybe do some cleaning.. theres not much to do... might kill a good 10 minutes..."
I've been waiting for her to organise her clothes since we moved into this house... 4 months ago... And the house is an absolute pigsty!

plans and passport!

Seems she spent most of yesterday morning figuring out their budget if (the other woman) moves here, or if She moves there.
And I mean, they didn't just touch on the subject... Its a continuing topic for hours!
How much they could each be earning, how much she would need for transport to and from work, how much debt (the other woman) has that needs paying... etc etc...
They go into so much detail.. I've asked about this topic before and she has always claimed it was a 'what if' that (the other woman) insisted on doing... I find that hard to believe on 2 counts... 1-a hypothetical that is not expected to happen would not normally go into so much detail and 2-I know She enjoys working out budgets for things if she is excited about or looking forward to them, so I doubt it took much insistence from (the other woman).

I'm currently listening to audio from earlier this morning, she's talking about going on a plane (to go over there). Saying that she's not sure if she would be able to go by herself because she is scared of flying, and might get there and freak out and not be able to get on the plane.

I looked through her phone text messages while she was napping... Most of her sent messages were deleted but there were many in her inbox...
A few of those were along the lines of "I'm so wet baby" and "omg im freaking out at work please tell me we're ok" and various love messages, and some saying she will need to work because (the other woman) is having money problems.
There was a couple sent still there though... Several "I'll be home soon" type messages... One was her telling (the other woman) that she would have the money for a passport this week, and would find the money for a ticket, borrow it if she has to, sell everything she owns if she has to...
There was also one telling her the only course she could do was IT (as I am doing) because she can do it online and maybe finish it quickly, aplogising if she wakes her up, asking her if she should do the course...
I did assume when we were there the reason she decided not to enroll for anything (she made a big deal about the courses all running for too long, she would only do something that went for say 6 weeks...) was because she didn't want to commit herself to anything, because she would probably be leaving soon... Guess I was right.

A kind of limbo

I enrolled to study Information Technology today... It was a great moment for me as I have been wanting to for a long time, but couldn't due to Her needs... Same reason as I have never held a decent job for any length of time until recently (and even then only casual).
Silly thing is... I'm sure she's letting me do things she wouldn't have before partly due to caring less.... She still wants me to look after her BUT doesn't care so much about what I'm doing, But also partly because she is guilty as hell for what she is doing, and she thinks that being nice to me, giving me some freedom, is somehow compensation, and showing me that she still loves me... But thats totally backfiring because I know more than she thinks I know, and I know she is trying to make me think she wants to be with me, and I am taking advantage of that... In a twisted kind of way the tables have turned.
We're still behaving mostly as friends, albeit with regular snappy moments, barbed comments and small disagreements...
Technically I'm still 'looking after' her... In that respect she is still using me...
But I'm not submitting to everything.. I'm not making it easy for her, and I am getting a lot of things I havn't had for a while, not having to ask for things so much... More freedom. plus I have the thrill of espionage lol!

The tension is much less now than when I knew there was something going on, knew she was lying, but didn't know what or why etc...
I have come to terms with it and it doesn't usually hurt much now. Basically, I expect her to leave, and I'm just making the best of things until it happens.
To up and leave would be complicated... We have a rental home, the lease in both our names, and neither of us can afford it alone...
Our child will be totally confused when it happens, she's been through a lot in her short life and perhaps its best to wait until we are ready to part amicably, rather than seeing us fight, watching her try to lie her way back into my heart...
Looking at it rationally, perhaps it is best to wait it out.
I'm sick of hearing her excuses and lies every time I try to drag out the truth, sick of her trying to make me stay. So I'm not fighting anymore.. I can wait, because it no longer hurts. My heart is closed to her love.
I care about her simply as a person I have known for a long time, a housemate, a friend... This wouldn't even be possible if I didn't know her so well...
For a while there I thought I didn't know her at all, because of the lies etc... But I realise now that she is the same lazy scared little girl she always has been... Lying goes so much against her grain that it is making her sick, and then more scared, and the vicious cycle that produces is the reason she just keeps telling lies.
So for now, we're in a kind of limbo.

Australia Day

Managed to make the best of Australia day, went to the local celebrations, had a nice family day, kid went on all the rides, scared the hell out of us on one of them...
Ran into some friends, hung out with one while her kids went on rides with our kid.. Spent a lot of money... Generally had a good time.
We actually had fun together but I had moments where thoughts would bring me down, make my stomach roll... Thoughts like; "this is probably our last special family day..."
"...I wonder how much of the little affection she shows me is fake..."
".. I wonder if this friend knows whats going on..."
" Why does she want to get video of the fireworks without my voice"
"Is she intentionally avoiding contact with me while her parents are here?"
"I bet (the other woman) is jealous that I have this time with her"
"I wonder if she is wishing (the other woman) was here instead of me"

You get the idea.... Occasionally I was able to forget... I just concentrated on the friends and the kid/s.
Of course when we got home she complained that (the other woman) was cranky, ruined the end of the evening by being grumpy when they spoke before bed. I pointed out that she is probably jealous because she would know that she is with me, having fun... Not with her.

I snuck a look at the christmas card she sent her... She wouldn't show me when she got it, told me it might upset me because she talked about her feelings...
Yeah, she talked about her feelings, she also talked about how they would be together in body soon, how wonderful it would be to be able to hold each other, touch each other, for real.
Explains why the blood drained from her face when she opened it, she was probably scared that I would insist on reading it. Well now I have... It could have been worse... If I didn't know what I do know now, it probably would have bothered me more.

Oh one last thing... I now know that her mother knows more than I've been told (of course) which also explains why she has seemed different towards me.
I heard Her say to (the other woman) that her mom wanted to know if she would be going to england when (the other woman) goes back, or at a later date.
Well thats just charming isn't it... Family is in on it and all... Considering what I have been through with that family, hell, I consider them my family and I thought they felt the same way... You'd think she would encourage her to tell me the truth.
But then again... She can be a sly bitch when she wants to be. Probably enjoys being in the loop, having secrets...

Found a loophole did we?

OMFG I know when I said no cybersex, I mentioned her touching herself... But when I asked her not to, I didn't mean she was still allowed to tell (the other woman) what to do to herself... Or what she is 'doing' to her.... Talk her through masturbation.... Thats still cybersex/phone sex... Its still infidelity... "I'm fucking you harder and faster...."
Even when we weren't having problems she would never do that sort of thing with me...
I can hear her dominating her, teasing her...
For fucks sake...
So yeah, another day, another piece of evidence... More fuel to help me believe that she is not taking me, us, our relationship seriously....
I wish she would just end it already... Let me end it...

She told me the other day that if I wanted to have cybersex in SL, she wouldn't mind, as long as it was with some random stranger, not a friend, or anyone that I have known for a while...lol...
Apparently that was her way of showing that the internet is different, that she considers it different.
So, she can have a full blown relationship, and I can have random cybersex for the sole purposes of relieving my sexual frustration. (which wouldn't work anyhow) How very generous.

Has anything changed?

Ok so... As the previous post told, yesterday I got her to admit to having cybersex... Along with a lot of excuses, of course....
What actually spurred me to force the issue is the fact that she is making herself sick over it all... Her throat is constantly sore from lying all the time, her self esteem, self image is absolutely disgusting, to the point where she is watching "pro ana" videos (promoting anorexia- videos with photos and inspiring words to encourage you to starve yourself).
The guilt is driving her crazy and it is so sad.... I may be angry and hurt by her behaviour... But to see her torturing herself that way isn't very pleasant.
She is essentially an honest person... Manipulative and controlling, yes... But she's never lied so much and the guilt is literally making her ill, mentally and physically.
After the cybersex issue was out in the open... She woke up the next morning and felt like she't lost 5kg or so... Just as an example of the direct result to her self image after releasing that one lie.

But there are more lies she still will not admit to.
About having told (the other woman) that she is going to leave me (but can't yet), etc etc....
I even said to her, last night, if she thinks she will be happier with (the other woman), maybe she should be with her. I practically tried to convince her!
I said... You need someone strong, stubborn... Someone who will make you help yourself... I'm not strong enough to do that, I let you walk over me I tell you that if you want to change, you need to put some effort in, but I don't make you do it.
She did say that she 'doesn't know what to do about her'.
That she understands (the other woman) so well, helps her so much... But she's always so cranky... But (the other woman) might not understand her so much...
But even after that, she wouldn't admit to planning to leave me, except that they do 'what ifs' and role-play.

So the very next morning, I figure it might be interesting to see if anything has changed... See if she even tries to tell (the other woman) that things have to change, that she wants to work out our relationship... See if she stops talking to her about their future together... etc....

the first thing of interest that I could hear clearly (because she got quite agitated and therefore louder), was a discussion about (our foster daughter).
"maybe halfway through the week I'd ring up and see how she's...."
"I don't have to its just..."
"I don't, I feel obligated, I feel obligated ok?"
"its not like... a real mother/daughter bond or anything its..."
"its not like that its just... I feel obligated thats all it is and I'm sure it'll go away"
"no I don't have to thats fine, its just... What?"
"no, I don't... I feel obligated to (talk to?) (our foster daughter) not (me).... No, I do... it is (our foster daughter)"
"..... hun we just won't have her on weekends... I'll just go and see her, pick her up and take her somewhere.. for two hours.... and take her back."

If she is saying there, what I think she is saying? That is really quite depressing... We've known this child her entire 4 years of life, she has been fully in our care for 2 years... And she's willing to give her up like that? Surely it has occured to her that our breakup might destroy the chances of adopting her anyway? Her parents would be horrified to never/rarely see this child, they have totally taken her in as their grandchild. Not that I, if I had her, would stop them from seeing her as long as they were ok with me. I consider them family, myself.
It sounds like (the other woman) is forcing her into it, because she never wants her to see me, or have anything to do with me, no connection at all... Which might explain why she ignored the letter in which I said if she continues to lie to me we will not be able to be friends.
Although when I asked yesterday if she read it properly she said no, she was too angry (because I was accusing her of lying).

So.. That was a bit concerning... What next?

The next part seemed to be her trying to explain (again) why nothing has changed- why she hasn't left me yet.
It is hard to understand most of the words (but can get the drift in context) because she is mumbling a bit... Probably heard a noise and is worried that I'm listening... But I did hear, amongst other things
"I understand that but.. its unavoidable... how, how is it avoidable?"
"....she knows..... its been like this two years.... she knows that... She's not stupid... we've been having trouble 2 years...."
"you should be happy that its like that not... annoyed... or... confused... its a good thing, not a bad thing..."
And something about having spoken to her mother about moving in with them if we break up... but she's waiting for their new house to finish being built

Which I've been waiting to hear something about as I heard this was her plan from a friend... I knew it had to come up sometime soon in their conversation because they've had delays with the house.. Its not going to be finished in february as expected... They're not sure how long it will be...
I saw the look on her face when she heard that... She took a deep breath, her eyes bulged a little and she locked her fingers and stretched them back while exhaling... It bothered her much more than it should have...
She must have seen me looking at her because she said later "i hope mom and dads house is finished before (the other woman) gets here so she can stay with them" (obviously I don't want her in our house and from what I hear of her opinion of me, she wouldn't want to be here either).
So whatya think about that?

A Taste of Honesty

So... I finally made her admit to having cybersex.
Well it took me saying "I know, and don't even try denying it because I know, that you have been having cybersex... In voice... With at least her cam on."
I didn't tell her how I know... I think she assumes I listen at the door.
She still claims that she wants to be with me, that nothing will happen between them... That her feelings for her are purely felt by "that other person" that she apparently is online.
Realises that I have always said I will forgive a lot... But cheating is the one thing I have always said I can never forgive. But she doesn't consider it cheating because it is online, etc etc... Its not real etc etc... they don't even connect, theres no intimacy... Well there hasn't been for us for years either!
She did say she will not do that anymore. Of course I said I can't trust her anymore, because she did it, and lied about it in the first place...
She says I'll just have to wait till (the other woman) has been and gone and when nothing happens I should be able to start trusting her again.
Points out that I have done things that have hurt her, broken her trust in the past (all within the 1st 6 months of our relationship, with 1 more recent exception which was a direct result of her cheating on me online).
I don't know how she can compare those things to cheating... Cheating is to me, the worst thing you can do in a relationship.
I don't think having trouble breaking a mild drug (marijuana) and alcohol habit, and lying about it, within the 1st 6 months of a relationship, really compared to cheating almost 6 years into a relationship.
But maybe thats just me.

So she is telling me don't throw away almost 6 years just like that blah blah... Just wait until march and I will see that she wouldn't do that to me...
I want to believe her... But I don't.
I've heard too much to contradict it...
I cannot accept that all the plans she has spoken to her about, all the time she spends reassuring (the other woman) that she will leave me, but can't yet because she needs me to... Drive her places, etc.. are 'role playing' and 'what ifs'...
I would be a fool to believe that.
It may even be role-playing on one side... But (the other woman) obviously needs that reassurance for real.
Stupid thing is, when I originally tried to break up with her, I told her we could continue to live together, while we each sort our shit out, that we could be adults about it... But she still insists on trying to make it work.
This is the one thing that makes me believe she hasn't fully made up her mind yet.
She doesn't want to, in case it turns out that (the other woman) can't deal with her shit, her anxiety, depression.... She told me last night she spends most of her time helping (the other woman) with HER issues... Controlling, anxiety.... So when is she going to get her attention? Who is going to look after her?

I have some new stuff... Working through it now, there will be a new post within 24hrs.

Amazing, she almost had me believing her... I know she has problems, that is true... But even if you can't control your feelings, even if you can't control your emotions and urges... You ALWAYS have an option not to act on them.
She knew I would never forgive cheating, she knew I included cybersex.
But she made the choice to do it anyway.
She cannot say it doesn't feel like her, when she's online... That doesn't make it ok, even if its true. Because when it comes to the crunch... It is her brain making the decision to cheat, and the "real" her is in on that decision.
I made a new recording, the morning after this... discussion... That is what I am listening to now.
I wanted to know if she changed her behaviour with (the other woman) or said anything to her about it.. Because I said to her you are having a relationship and it has to stop... Even if it is one sided, you have to stop encouraging it.
Well I'm not done yet... But I know she's still encouraging it..
Stay tuned....

The Eagles - Lyin Eyes (Lyrics)

This song just seems so right for the situation at the moment...
obviously not some of the details... But the meaning... The feelings...

The Eagles - Lyin eyes

City girls just seem to find out early
How to open doors with just a smile
A rich old man
And she won't have to worry
She'll dress up all in lace and go in style

Late at night a big old house gets lonely
I guess every form of refuge has its price
And it breaks her heart to think her love is only
Given to a man with hands as cold as ice

So she tells him she must go out for the evening
To comfort an old friend who's feelin' down
But he knows where she's goin' as she's leavin'
She is headed for the cheatin' side of town

You can't hide your lyin' eyes
And your smile is a thin disguise
I thought by now you'd realize
There ain't no way to hide your lyin eyes

On the other side of town a boy is waiting
With fiery eyes and dreams no one could steal
She drives on through the night anticipating
'Cause he makes her feel the way she used to feel

She rushes to his arms,
They fall together
She whispers that it's only for awhile
She swears that soon she'll be comin' back forever
She pulls away and leaves him with a smile

You can't hide your lyin' eyes
And your smile is a thin disguise
I thought by now you'd realize
There ain't now way to hide you lyin' eyes

She gets up and pours herself a strong one
And stares out at the stars up in the sky
Another night, it's gonna be a long one
She draws the shade and hangs her head to cry

She wonders how it ever got this crazy
She thinks about a boy she knew in school
Did she get tired or did she just get lazy?
She's so far gone she feels just like a fool

My, oh my, you sure know how to arrange things
You set it up so well, so carefully
Ain't it funny how your new life didn't change things
You're still the same old girl you used to be

You can't hide your lyin' eyes
And your smile is a thin disguise
I thought by now you'd realize
There ain't no way to hide your lyin' eyes
There ain't no way to hide your lyin' eyes
Honey, you can't hide your lyin' eyes

The Nightmare

I just had a nightmare... I had insomnia, till like 3am, and then when i finally do get to sleep, I have a nightmare. Lovely.
Now its 4:30am..

I dreamt that people were visiting.. I think the friends who told me she was planning on leaving me were there, and some other friends, sonyas friends mainly i think.. but im not sure..
This part is hard to remember, but I know I was confused because She was very hard to track down, every time i went somewhere she'd just been/gone she wasn't there anymore...
But I knew she was talking to people, the people visiting...
Then some more people, some of my family show up unexpectedly, like my brother, and its getting quite crowded, my brother is trying to talk to me but I'm looking for Her... and Her mum and some other people show up... And I'm still looking for Her..
Then I catch a glimpse of (the other woman).. I think.. I'm not sure, I follow.. I look in our bedroom and theres a shape laying on the bed and its not Her, the shape throws a blanket over herself.. I'm like WTF? and I keep looking for Her...
eventually I see Her and her mum, with a big suitcase and a few other bags.. headed for a car and I call out, im starting to panic, I run and she runs away and throws the suitcase in and runs around me back to the house..
I look in the bedroom again but no one is there now, so I keep rushing about and then I go outside and I see (the other woman), and I'm totally shocked and I start walking towards her, she sees me and cries out and starts running, so I run after her.
She has a friend with her, who is running too, saying does she have the gun? no get the gun get the gun!
(in the dream apparently I/we had a handgun)
She reached up on top of the meter box as she ran past and grabbed the gun that sonya must have hidden there from me and pointed it at me, walking back towards me yelling something, that I better stop or something...
I stop, a meter or two away, looking at her with the gun she looks scared as hell... I'm like what the fuck? what are you doing here whats going on?
And I wouldn't have fucking shot you, why bother hiding the gun why not just take the bullets out? I laughed a little here, kinda hysterical, she took the bullets out, she said something about just wanting to be with Her... and I said me too...
and then I was looking for Her again...
When I found her I said.. how could you do this to me, lie and cheat and run off, string me along for so long... She said this has been going on for 18 months..
I said I hope Karma bites you in the ass, I hope it happens to you, so you know how I feel!
And she said... "But its not my fault, its yours"

Then I woke up, to the sound of her typing, and left the room.
I told her about it, halfway through writing this she came out for breakfast... she behaved somewhat sympathetic (when I cried) but at the same time, as if it was a bit silly, and told me to go back to sleep please(on the couch)

Trying to get me outta the house?

We've not had any major fights the last 2 days... Little tiffs but nothing major... Because I havn't had a go at her or tried to get her to admit to lying...
I want to see what happens if I act like I'm like... Less stressed about it.. as if I trust her more... Its quite difficult lol, so many times I want to say something...

Seems she has to reassure her all the time, (the other woman) wants her to leave me, and she tells her she will, but can't yet... Because she needs me to drive her places and stuff...
After listening to that, I went outside to have a smoke and nearly threw up.
So unless she's lying to her, she really is just using me... I can't believe how easily she fakes affection... I mean when we are around family or friends, she puts her arm around me etc...
Thats so sick.. How could you fake affection like that? Omg...
She wants me to get a job with more hours, tells me its because we need more money, that maybe the reason we're having trouble is stress over money and because she is not used to me being around so much (my hours have reduced due to economy)
The morning before we had that conversation, she was reassuring (the other woman) that I am not around all the time... So I can only assume she was trying to get me to work more...So that I wasn't around so much... Tried to get me to apply for a job the other day that would have me out of the house in the early mornings and evenings, which is when they talk and have sex... Now I know why she got so pissy when I said no.
I was asleep when they were talking this morning, on the couch because she kicked me out of bed as usual at 4:30am (because she didn't want me to be waking up all the time because of her talking, apparently).. So she wasn't being overly careful.
But of course I'm not going to let a little thing like being asleep stop me from listening...
She was looking at jobs for herself today... But gave herself away by being overly concerned about the times she would be working and whether she could use chat programs etc while she was there.

damnit

Damnit I have to work today.... I would really prefer not to... I hate the thought that she doesn't even have to try to be quiet, if I am not here...
Imagine what I'm gonna miss....

She's still fucking her...

Well this morning I was wondering if anything had changed..
I mean we've fought, we've talked... We agreed to take a 'break' during which we are still officially together, are not avaliable (for relationships or sex), still live together and if we happen to come across a moment when we want to have sex (with each other... not other people, obviously) thats ok...
So here I am thinking, maybe she is serious, maybe she has got feelings for me again, maybe she is attracted to me again... Maybe she'll stop cyberfucking that pommy cunt and come to me for a change, goodness knows I need it... Mind you I don't know if I would be able to without throwing up on her.
So I did my little trick again...
At one point I tried to go into the room, and the door was locked... So I was a bit... Concerned...
Later she saw a comment on my profile on a website saying "the truth will set you free" and got all shitty at me "because some people might know what its about" and because it was obvious I still didn't believe her, so I tried to get her to admit it... again... No luck.
She's like... If I don't love you why am I still here? Are you trying to drive me away? Drive me to her? Of course I jumped on this... I said... For you to say that... Means you must think about it!
Which of course she denied furiously.. She carries on for a while... "why can't you just forget the past and focus on now, and the future?" I'm thinking... I am... the future you're planning without me....
I said now? Now you're not attracted to me, you never want to touch me (etc)
To which she asked "when have I said that?" I told her it was in her body language... She insists that she is attracted to me so I mustn't be able to read body language. I said well it would be nice if you showed me... If you acted like you wanted to make love to me.. If you tried... That would help me trust you.
She insists that she has been affectionate, but hasn't wanted to make love because she feels uncomfortable because we have been fighting so much. asks if we can stop fighting now, and keep trying to make things work...
She was so vehement about the attraction thing that I apologised and said I would try...
So... We finished the fight, lay on the couch to watch some DVDs... She halfheartedly encourages my hand to touch her... Only in the most 'important' place of course...
So I did, a little... But I could sense that she wasn't truly interested... She wasn't looking at me, wasn't really responding, just rubbing my head as if that would make me believe she wanted me to go further... Just to test... I asked if she wanted to go watch something in the bedroom.. hint hint.. nudge nudge, y'know... She kinda shrugged "I don't mind" I took that as a no.
I stood over her and kissed her... t'was like kissing a warmed up corpse... no arousal in those lips...
I couldn't do more because the child was in and out of the room... But I didn't really want to anyway. If she's not interested... It makes me feel dirty.
And she was showing no real interest in wanting to touch me.. She had plenty of opportunity when I tried kissing her.
I havn't had sex that didn't feel dirty, where I didn't feel used, or where I actually left physically satisfied for over 2 years. Its probably been more like 3 1/2 years since she used anything but her hand... Which she knows doesn't satisfy me as much as... Well, anyway, on with the 'story'

So... This evening... I examine my new evidence...
I actually had a little hope, because what had happened earlier..
I hear them talking about how she can get dual citizenship because her father was born there, she even came out and got her birth certificate, (because she needs to get ID, she tells me,) to check his place of birth etc...
Blah blah blah...
Then I hear her get up and close the windows, and say something about me listening at the door... (she smelt smoke come through the window yesterday and accused me of eavesdropping... got something to hide huh?)
Then I hear some heavy breathing... She is trying to be quiet.. the occasional mumbled word... A little louder... "you owe me one of those... remember, I asked you to move the camera down further once, and you finally did, and you promised me you would do it again......... mmmyeaaah........(a bit I can't understand).... you're the best (something) I ever had......."
Then, I hear the door... This is when I tried to go in, but it was locked...
I think I spoilt the mood LOL

So, before we even had that fight... She tried to fuck her.. and maybe she was a little frustrated because they were interrupted, and thats why she halfheartedly encouraged me to touch her... Did she think maybe I should make up for it? lol...